NOT to say something to my step-daughter about her smoking

[chocchipcookie]

I would really like your views on this one - my friends are split down the middle.

My step-daughter, her husband and his brother smoke like chimneys in a small house. They have 3 small children.

Lately the youngest aged 3 has been twice to A&E with a severe ear infection that was a cold/cough.

I think they should bloody well smoke outside.

But is it none of my business?

My husband would actually quite like me to influence her, I don't think it will make any difference but another part of me thinks someone needs to stand up for the kids. Her mother is out of the picture and the rest of the family smoke. She smoked through her pregnancies so she is very addicted.

My DH feels he can't really say much because... he smokes! But he is really trying to give up, gave up for eight months, about to try again.

I am an ex-smoker myself, I know how hard it is to give up. I'm not really bothered whether she smokes or not, it's her life, I just think they should go outside.

We get on OK but not really close, I think she thinks I am a bit of a Bree van der Kamp.

some dc are prone to ar infection and has nothing to do with smoking personally i think you should leave her be

we all have views on pefect parenting but we all raise our dc how we see fit i was raised in smoking house hiold never ill as a child

i dont smoke unless out in pub so dont smoke at home but my dp smokes not alot mind you he does smoke in front of out ds

i do understand your worry but it would not go down to well if you were to say anything as i doubt they would change there mind anyway

Very dificult one! I completely get where you are coming from (and agree!) but I think for you to say anything, being a non smoker and a step-mum would just be viewed as interferring and none-of-your-business-what-she-does-in-her-own-house, and I think that would be the case however nicley,diplomatically you put it, once she had chance to reflect on what you'd actually said.

However, I do think it may be different if it comes from her dad. He can empathise with the fact that she smokes as he does to, - so the 'smoking' issue is removed and the conversation is about the real concern - 'could she think about moving the habit outside for the sake of the kids?'

Having a smoker (& her father) point that out to her may be a slightly less bitter pill to swallow, than having you point it out to her?!

I agree, it doesn't sound like you have the kind of relationship for that conversation. I agree that, actually, her dad is in a much better position because the 'evangelical ex smoker, thinks she so much better than us addicts' angle is removed.

I'm a smoker, and I do agree that she should smoke outside, however I agree with the others that perhaps you're not the best person to talk to her about it.

I agree with everything so far! The problem with my husband trying to say anything is she turns round and says 'You can't talk, you smoke...' But he smokes outside and he knows it is bad for kids.

The house is really, really bad by the way - it is like a fog in there!

Believe me I am inclined to say nothing but I really think it does impact on the kids, it is 24/7 smoke.

In that case your husband is the perfect person to talk to her BECAUSE he already does exactly what he's asking her to do too.

He could say that she followed his example with the smoking, and that's fine, so therefore he could ask her to follow his example also by moving it outseide and being responsible towards the kids health....Just like he has.

I agree about your dad being better off to say something and she shouldn't say 'because you smoke' if he smokes outside - I think forget trying to get her to stop, just encourage them to go outside or at least in a certain room with windows wide open.

As children, me and my brother and sister hated being in the car, my mum and dad smoked with the windows closed and it was awful, you tried not to breath but of course had to!! We cough like mad and ask them to open a window but were shouted at for rebelling I think it's disgusting, makes your hair and clothes stink and I'm an ex smoker (but whenever I've had the odd one since ds, it's always been outside and dh smokes outside since he came along too!!)

Poor kids

Doh, HER dad, YOUR dh

I grew up with both parents smoking, swore I would never smoke myself...

definately your dh is the best person to say it, if you have a close relationship with her its a bit different you could say something or maybe you could be with your husband and back him up when she comes up with the you cant talk you smoke line

Its probobly a case of pick your moment.

If the mother is stressed with the sick child, you could mention it then. It might have more of an effect at that time.

I smoke, smoked during pregnancies (limited it alot though) and i smoke in the kitchen only. I try to encourage dc to leave the room when im smoking. Its not the best i know, but dc have never been unwell as a result. If they were i would smoke outside, definitely.

I have often thought how unfair and bad it is of me, as i do for my own health. But addicted i am and sometimes i need the ciggies to keep me sane (weak excuse i know).

If someone said to me, that i should smoke outside id say, yes i know i should, but its my house, my dc and my choice. Not alot anyone could say unless my dc were actually suffering as a result. I mean if they had asthma or recurrent chest problems, i would change my stance.

This came about because I got a leaflet handed to me at the doctors, they give it to everyone, about second-hand smoke.

It said it's actually the worst kind because it's unfiltered. I didn't know that.

I know it's her house, her children but if you take that argument you would never say anything to anyone. I feel the children have no voice and no choice in this.

Why not just pass her the leaflet, saying it was given to you at the dr's and would she like to read it?

Then say nothing until/unless she ever complains about her children being ill.

I disagree with Bubbla when she says the ear infections may have nothing to do with the smoke. Tobacco smoke contains over 2000 poisonous substances and the evidence that passive smoking causes disease is overwhelming. Many smokers just don't acknowledge that, especially if they were brought up in a smoky household.

Smokers tend to be in a lot of denial about the effect they are having on others. If she has rationalised smoking through her pregnancies and smoking in her house to date, it's highly unlikely that anything you say will have any influence.

Dh could make a point of not smoking in their house and as such, set some sort of example, or hey, give up altogether!!!

That's what I keep saying to him! Yes, I agree totally about the denial.

The worst one is my MIL who says that smoking doesn't cause cancer or indeed any illness at all, it is all genetically predetermined, when it's your time it's your time. Oh it's the government do-gooders who make up all this anti-smoking stuff.

My brother was in denial about what effect smoking has on health (no children involved here, just his own health was at stake) until he had a heart attack at age 43, whereupon he gave up his 60 a day habit, cold turkey and hasn't smoked since. That was 11 years ago.

So in a way the heart attack saved his life, EW. My awful fear is that if and when my DH gets sick there won't be a second chance.

But he has just started some pill to reduce cravings and has a stop date of next week. Also he has just got a bad cough and cold so that should help!

It does make me depressed when I listen to his family go on. Once I was there when a friend challenged my MIL who promptly got really nasty, started ranting on about how everything is bad for you these days, so I keep my mouth shut around her. But this is the message my step-daughter is getting.

I don't associate smoking with death, I associate it with ill-health in life and making an unpleasant, unhealthy atmosphere for the rest of us.

You are right to be worried Chocchip but as many of us have pointed out, you are not best placed to tell stepdaughter unpleasant truths which she will rightly see as criticism. However, perhaps you could offer to have your stepgrandchildren to your house, or take them out to the park for fresh air sometimes. You might ask what the doctor has said about the children's health, as it will have been obvious at the consultation that they live in a smoky atmosphere.