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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel it is my responsibility to help my EX H's Mother out of debt!

26 replies

zazas · 16/11/2007 13:04

My ex h has just sent me an email asking if I 'mind' him not paying me maintenance next month as he has to pay off a £750 debt that his Mother has run up. Am I being unreasonable to feel that this is not my responsibility? He says that it will be a one off, but where do you draw the line, will it be a new car as an excuse next?

He knows that I am a soft touch and I like his Mother but I personally can't afford it (on maternity leave / in process of buying new house etc etc etc).

My suggestion is to take it out of savings that she actually gave for our DD some years ago that is in an account for her? Do you think that is fair?

OP posts:
RGPargy · 16/11/2007 13:06

You shouldn't have to suffer because of his mother!! Tell him that actually, you DO mind him not paying maintenance because YOU need the money!! Flippin' cheek!

Freckle · 16/11/2007 13:21

No, tell him that your DD needs the money and that, as far as you are concerned, she is more important than his mother.

MascaraOHara · 16/11/2007 13:21

I would say "If you want to pay of your mothers debt then that's fine but you must realise it has to be you paying it off not me so you will need to find some spare money from elsewhere!"

suey2 · 16/11/2007 13:22

YANBU. If you do it this time, you can guarantee it won't be the last. You have to be firm and don't give him any reasons- that way you will weaken. (you know the thing, i'm sorry but i really need it because of......). You must tell him he just needs to find another way. Don't find yourself apologising- he is in the wrong for asking you

bluejelly · 16/11/2007 13:23

Imagine if you were in the same position... I would go for a compromise approach?
Mind you I have always been crap at getting money out of my ex

PatsyCline · 16/11/2007 13:29

YANBU. He obviously can't really afford to help his mum out, so it's a bit strange that he would think it's okay that in effect you should do it. He has responsibilities to his mum, but also to his child/ren.

Obviously, you want to help his nice mum out of a tricky situation. I think that if you take it out of DD's savings then you may be able to get it back whilst if DH doesn't pay you maintenance he will just 'skip' a month and you'll never see the money.

Also if your ex-MIL is told that's where the cash came from (DD) it may make her extra careful about future debts (if, of course, they have resulted from her own actions - don't know the situation). In any circumstance, I would insist on your ex-DH or MIL setting up a direct debit into your DD's account to pay the money back ASAP.

Good luck. I think you're being really nice about it.

Patsy

suey2 · 16/11/2007 13:30

i would be suspicious tbh- it is very close to christmas....

PrettyCandles · 16/11/2007 13:36

Of course you and your dd shouldn't have to go short in order for your exMIL to pay off her debt! Let him pay it off himself.

Christamas is a-coming...hmm]

ernest · 16/11/2007 13:38

don't take the money from dd's account. It opens it up as a pot to dip into whenever cash is tight. And how does he think you're supposed to look after your dd on no money.

I'd hate to be you and have to say it, but it's gotta be 'no'.

How would his mum feel, if she knew he didn't want to pay maintenance this month because of her? Possibly she'd be shocked? Or surprised as she knows nothing about said debt?

Freckle · 16/11/2007 13:43

He is effectively asking you to pay off his mum's debt, leaving himself with exactly the same amount of money that month. How noble of him.

RibenaBerry · 16/11/2007 13:46

Say no. YANBU.

I agree with Freckle. Except that I wouldn't say "DD needs it", I would say "you daughter needs it", to really hammer home the point. He is effectively asking your daughter (cos, let's face it, the money's basically for her, not you) to pay his mother's debts. Not good.

Original poster
zazas · 16/11/2007 13:47

Phew thanks, I am not being unreasonable - as I thought! He can afford it in that he has a well paid job etc and not under any current hardship (believe me I would know!!!) - he just does not want to pay it!

I did feel like saying - well when she leaves her will- will I get half too

I think that is a good idea to speak directly to his Mother and say that it is appropriate that she takes back some of the savings she gave to our DD to help her out of this mess. It might make her more careful... I know if I pay it, I will never get a mention!

As for christmas this is what he said "But this has left me in the red, especially with xmas coming. Sorry for putting you in the position for having to ask this, but as I?m sure you can imagine I?m a bit stuffed with xmas fast approaching." - like I don't

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 16/11/2007 13:55

Do NOT agree to this under any circumstances. It will look as though you don't need the money and set a precedent. It could really rebound on you.

edam · 16/11/2007 14:27

He's a cheeky git.

Original poster
zazas · 16/11/2007 14:34

oh yes he is edam, yes indeed!

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 16/11/2007 14:34

Don't pay it. It is really not your problem.

Secondly, how do you know it's true? Is his mum normally that careless?
If she is, she'll do it again. On the other hand, maybe it's ex-h overspending on himself?

fedupwasherwoman · 16/11/2007 14:41

Suggest he takes out a small loan to sort out his overdraft or to settle his mum's debts. Do not take it out of dd's savings as they then become a safety net for him to fall back on again in the future

He is trying it on and if you even entertain the thought and then say no he'll add extra sob story elements to it next time.

Freckle's analysis of the situation is spot on. He's asking you to pay, to leave him in a better financial position in the long run.

Absolutely no way, particularly in the run up to Christmas, no way.

casbie · 16/11/2007 15:16

i agree with ribeana -

I would say "you daughter needs it"

it might hammer the true impertience of his 'offer'.

colditz · 16/11/2007 15:25

I think it would be a good idea to speak to his mother full stop, as he has probably assumed you wouldn't dare. I'd find out if this debt story is true.

His mother = his problem. Not yours and not your daughter's.

chocchipcookie · 16/11/2007 15:40

Does he have a girlfriend or new wife? Maybe she could pay it

Original poster
zazas · 16/11/2007 17:04

I have said NO - which is a big deal for me - not good at that no thing!!! Of course he said that he didn't expect me to have the kindness in my heart to help his Mother out and wished he hadn't bothered......

Thanks for your support - could have done with this through my marriage to him

OP posts:
Freckle · 17/11/2007 09:18

Well done you. Why should you have the kindness to help out his mother, when he clearly doesn't? His logic is baffling.

suey2 · 17/11/2007 12:03

good job zazas- it can't have been easy. He was bound to come up with some way of having a go at you for refusing, and if that is the best (or worst) he can do, then bring it on.

clam · 17/11/2007 12:16

Didn't expect you to have the kindness?? Cheeky git! And I expect you wish he hadn't bothered too! Well done, anyway, for telling him to shove it (nicely).

MrsTittleMouse · 17/11/2007 13:17

F*ing hell! Agree with everyone else here, he's expecting his own daughter to go without to pay off his mother, leaving him with no hardship at all. Can't believe the cheek of some people, and I'm glad you stood up to him.

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