to be a little hacked off that MIL doesn't seem to be giving DS his tea on the days she looks after him?

[MonkeyandBabyBoo]

I work 4 days a week and DS (3.10 yo)goes to MIL 2 of those days. I drop him off in the morning, she gives him his breakfast and takes him to preschool. He has his lunch at school and then she picks him up after lunch club. I pick him up at around 6pm so asked her before we made the arrangement if she could give him his tea. She was fine with this. I pay for him to attend the lunch club so she doesn't have to worry about giving him his lunch and he goes to my mums in the school holidays to give her a break.

Now DS has started to tell me this week that he doesn't have any tea at grandma's. I ask him what he has eaten for all his meals to make sure he is not exaggerating and he tells me what he has for breakfast and what he had in his lunch box but when asked what he eats after school at grandma's he tells me he has no tea but he might have had a lolly or something like that. Wednesday he said he had a bowl of ice cream and a packet of quavers!

I am really hacked off with this. I know its only for 2 days out of the week but he will associate having that sort of crap at PIL's house. DH hasn't really said anything about it but I feel I need to say something to her but don't want to sound ungrateful for what she does for us. DS goes to a CM for the other 2 days. We cannot afford to put him in with CM for the 4 days I work so she is saving us alot of money and she appears to enjoy having him.

AIBU to make an issue of this? If not, any suggestions on how I can broach this with her?

i would just casually ask "ooh what's he had for his tea tonight" when you collect ahim and see what she says

it could be she just doesn't understand what you mean - you could talk to her about what you want exactly & see what she says.

You need to ask her outright what the situation with dinner is first to make sure that he isn't getting any dinner?

You could just say "I was wondering if ds eats all his dinner at yours as he often says he's hungry later on"

It's not acceptable for him to go without dinner but tbh if she isn't looking after him the way you want you need to find alternative care.

send him with a cooked meal to reheat to solve the problem if you don't feel you can tackle it with her?

I think that I would say something along the line of "excuse my silly brain, I can't remeber if we'd agreed whether DS would have tea at yours or not?" If she says he is having tea there, ask her if he's eating OK and what things he seems to like to eat since he's been off his food a little lately (sneaky way to find out what she's feeding him, if anything). If she says he's not having tea there, maybe you could just ask her not to give him crips or lollies as it will spoil his appetite, and then give him tea when he gets home?

Send him with a meal to reheat then it's no trouble for her and you're not taking the pee out of free childcare.

Maybe 'tea' means something different to her? I would probably go along with the idea of sending a reheatable meal. Or make a batch of stuff to leave there for her to reheat. You could do a big batch of bolognese sauce, and a batch of chicken casserole, which would probably last him 10 weeks or so (assuming one of each per week). Then she'd just need to defrost the appropriate bag, reheat and serve with pasta one day, and rice the other.

It sounds like a misunderstanding - she thinks he's eating at home, you think (or thought) he was eating at hers.
I'd tell her that DS has decided he'd rather eat tea at Grandma's because he can't wait till he gets home anymore because he gets so hungry. Then offer to send a ready made meal that she can bung in the microwave. Then it's up to her if she wants to offer to cook him something.

He goes to bed at around 7-7.30pm and I feel eating at 6.15pm onwards is a little late. When he told me he hadn't had any dinner obviously I have given him something.

She looks after my niece one day a week and I know she has her three meals there so I don't think its that she doesn't understand.

Maybe IABU then. I send packets of weetabix for his breakfast, I pay and provide his lunch for lunch club so I don't think I'm taking advantage of her - am I?

God I feel guilty now - maybe I'll just ask her not to give him those sort of snacks in the afternoon and he can have tea with us.

I'll ask DH about doing reheatable meals - he does the cooking in our house!

Easy solution is to say nothing and when he gets home give him big bowl of porridge & raisons (or something equally complex carby) - it will fill him up without making him feel bloated so fine for giving an hour before bed.

I'd say that if your niece has her meals there, and she isn't giving your DS any, then it's even more likely to be a misunderstanding. Unless she's an evil boy-hating MIL, which she doesn't sound like she is

I cannot believe people really expect Mum to send pre-cooked meals for Gran to reheat to feed her grandson when she looks after him! FGS! She's his grandmother - of course she should feed him at that hour.

Little children are not generally accurate reporters of their day ("What did you do at preschool today?" "Nothing." Do you really believe that?)

Why not just ask your MIL what he's having for his tea? Nothing wrong, nothing critical, nothing suspicious about that.

Thats my fear PrettyCandles, that his report isn't entirely accurate. He volunteered info and his story doesn't change but then he could just be remembering the yummy ice cream or lolly he has afterwards

I am not very forthright with my in-laws as they are strong characters (and I am not) so I think just politley querying what he has for dinner maybe the way to go.

My mum has always fed him all meals without question when she looked after him, and still does for DD so I guess I am taking it for granted that MIL will too.

Thanks for all your opinions.

Ds has claimed he only had ice-cream or something when he's been to another house for tea before now. Not true - it's just that ice cream is more memorable when you are four than broccoli or macaronic cheese or whatever.

Ask your MIL when you pick him up what he had for tea, just to reassure yourself, but I bet it's OK really.

macroni, even!

Or maybe even macaroni, Edam

Edam - Have you got the recipe for macaronic cheese?

If you seriously think he might not be getting a proper tea, how about preparing something and giving it to her in a small tuppaware that she can just blast in the microwave? M&S do tots meals that are not very expensive (macaroni cheese etc). Given that she helps you out by looking after him, it would be shame to spoil it over something so petty.

An aunt used to look after my niece for a couple of hours once a week when my niece was 3. The aunt was supposed to give her her tea but she was so worried about keeping her safe, she seldom got round to preparing her anything. My sister sort of guessed what was going on and left them a prepared high tea -with proper cups and saucers - and this became a lovely part of their weekly time together.

You need to ferret out the truth! 'Did X eat Ok this evening MIL? It's just he's been a bit fussy recently.' I tried a similar tactic with CM a few years back after I was getting similar feedback from DS#1. Turns out she was giving him food - not neccesarily what I'd have given him but still a meal. DS only remembered the custard creams and the Muller corner with chocolate balls because those were the things he wouldn't have had at home.

can't decide if macaronic cheese would be bionic or macrobiotic...

or even moronic - that's how i first read it!

edam - or both?

I have just told my 12 year old that we are having macaronic cheese for supper tonight.