To be livid about this

[ChangedMyMind]

was at toddler group with dd who is nearly 2yrs3mths she doesn't look older than she is and has very poor verbal skills.

dd was very angry, she was playing with the trains, got pushed over, I calmed her down then an older child (who is 4 and often does things like this) took the trains that she was trying to join together off dd. I asked child to play with the other trains that noone was using and all was fine for 30secs. Dd was then getting angry and anyone coming near her so I took her away to the another part of the hall to calm down.However you can imagine dd was not in the best of moods by this point!

Minute later we go and get a biscuit and I ask to get a bottle of ebm warmed up. I go to wipe dds snotty nose she gets angry and runs away. She is standing by herself and throws her biscuit on the floor and is looking at me for a reaction another adult goes over to my dd and tells her to pick it up dd stamped her foot so the other adult picks it up and puts it in the bin, dd then very very cross/angry/upset and sits down howling adult tell me she was about to stamp on it (actually I think she was going to pick it up and throw it again) and is laughing. I am not happy as it has fuelled the whole situation with my dd and I think she was out of order to interfere and I was watching my dd the whole time to ensure that she didn't "do" anything.

I sit down and am still watching dd sitting in the corner being cross waiting until she calms down enough to talk to etc. ANother child goes up to my dd and starts shoving her feet with a dolls buggy (same age as mine), my dd starts shouting "go away" to the other chhildd (this is virtually the only sentence she can say) - I get up to go and intervene. Immediately the other adult jumps in drags the other child away shouting "no don't do that" then roughly picks up my dd and shoves her back down saying "you sit there and stop that"

I collected my stuff together said to the adult something like "it's not up to you to discipline my child and if you hadn't interefered in the first place she would have calmed down in a minute anyway" got dd went out the room to calm her down - she was shaking with anger that turned to heartfelt sobbing, then calm home.

I am livid with this other adult she is a childminder I feel she ought to know better, my dd was having a tantrum she completely rewarded it and fuelled it IMO.

Would u be livid too?

Personally I would think it was just another day at toddler group...

Its hard to understand completely as my dd3 who is 2.5 does not get 'angry' so much as upset.
I would object to anyone else picking her up without permission though unless i wasn't there or it was toavoid an accident.

i would be very cross that an adult was rough with my child, and i would say something.

did she respond to you when you said what you did?

she didn't but she wouldn't look at me when I was speaking to her though.

I suppose I can't believe that anyone would ask a tantruming 2 year old (or 3 or 4 or more) to pick up a biscuit and expect them to do it????? It wasn't said in paritcularly calm way either.

are you going to go back next week?

i would

well, I would expect a child to pick it up, well definitely by 3 or 4 anyway...but if she didn't work there she had no right to ask

yes I will go back as my dd needs to learn to interact with children her own age (too used to older children) and I wouldn't have been cross if she had been attempting to hit/kick another child or doing something potentially dangerous.

Biscuit incident: absolutely fine
shoving your DD: not on at all.

I would object to this adults behaviour on several counts.

One interfering in the first place when it really does sound as if it should have been obvious that you were dealing with it. I know sometimes someone else's intervention can help but not if you've got a child of your dd's age having a tantrum.

Secondly, getting physical with your child . I think you handled yourself very calmly and I would be tempted to have a word with this adult the next time you encounter her.

A tantrum isn't as simple as a child playing up and I really believe that handling tantrums needs to be left to parents. I'm totally with you there's always a window in a tantrum in which you can intervene but you have to wait for it, doing something at ANY other point simply inflames the situation.

If I were you, I'd try to calm down and also think about what (if anything) you might like to say to this other adult just so you don't have a repeat performance in future. L*rd knows, dealing with a tantrum is draining enough.

Sometimes some children will respond to another person/relative stranger in this situation when they won't respond to you, and that might have been her intention. However, it was ill-judged and OOO given that she hadn't checked with you first!

IMO, the only time you should interfere with another child in this type of situation is either when a) the mother/carer is not present to deal with it or b) when they are deliberately ignoring the situation and other children are getting hurt. Clearly none of that applies here!

My thoughts are she is just 2 she was obviously cross/angry/in a temper telling her to pick the biscuit up was a red rag to a bull, if she stamped on it BIG DEAL I would have cleaned it up and dd would have then seen it had to go in the bin I suppose it's why was their any need for her to say anything to dd at all??????

Indeed!

sorry "there any need"

I just think my dd has had a lesson in that having a tantrum gets her attention which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

"having a tantrum gets her attention" I don't think it did. It got her biscuit thrown away which probably wasn't the reaction she was hoping for. In fact, it's probably how I would have dealt with it had it been my own child.

Changed - Consistency counts in handling tantrums IMO. This person won't be there next time, you will still be the over riding influence. I think as soup said she won't necessarily be viewing this as a victory for kids and biscuits the land over.

my friend who was there has rang and basically said asked what the other woman's problem was today and stated that her "tone" was completely unneccessary which I guess is what I can't get across - it wasn't calm it was a order barked at her. Also dd wasn't told that the biscuit had to be picked or it would go in the bin just told to "pick it up" in a stern voice.

I would have gone and asked my dd to pick it up had I been given the chance, dd did throw the biscuit for my benefit to see what I would do and I was actually waiting to see what her next move would be - if she'd had 30 secs she probably would have picked it up of her own accord and eaten it! Had the other women picked it up and binned it without saying anything I wouldn't have minded so I guess it was about the way she spoke to dd it was confrontational both what she said and the way she said it.

At least this has given me the chance to work out why I was so livid about it.

she should have left it to you do deal with IMO totally different if you were not there but I think I would have been annoyed as I would have felt it undermined my authority and my way of dealing with my child

If anyone had been rough with my child I would have been furious. Sounds like she had it in for her. Why get involved twice in something that wasn't her business?