DD5 gets moody/overdramatic - how to react?

[Snowstorming]

Hi everyone

This might sound silly but my DD5 has a tendency to be very overdramatic and moody and it’s really upsetting me. It annoys me to be around in her this mood and I end up just telling her off for being “grumpy all the time”. I don’t think I’m acting appropriately and really want to know how I can deal with it better.

I don’t know how to describe it! An example from today: she was reading a book (I was praising and helping where needed) and because she couldn’t read a slightly longer word, she crossed her hands and made a horrible grumpy face which... tbh... just pissed me off. A while ago she did the same thing while she was helping me to tidy up her room, she suddenly got annoyed, crossed her arms and wouldn’t talk properly to me. I hate to sound like this but it honestly grates me SO much. I hate it.

How do I cope with this behaviour and respond appropriately? I don’t want to constantly encourage it because sometimes I say “oh, do you need a hug? Come on, let’s have a hug and feel better.” Which does sometimes work but then she ends up doing it again and again and I just can’t stand it.

Please help Mumsnet. Her moods are draining me out. I have two other toddlers to deal with too and I’m just so tired.

I wouldn't react to it at all. Ever.

Sounds like my DD6 when she’s tired, has it got worse the nearer it’s got to half term? I always find they’re overtired at this young age in the two weeks running up to a holiday and just awful for the last week.

I'd laugh.

(Probably a good thing I don't have children )

@StCharlotte

I'd laugh.

(Probably a good thing I don't have children )

I'd laugh too! And I have children and work with them.

Just ignore. I can't abide this crossed arms stroppy stuff and it's usually learnt behaviour to get attention. If it isn't jumped on at a young age they are still doing it at 10/11 when they don't get their own way and use it as a way to manipulate friends etc.

Just say "when you're ready to use your words I'm ready to listen" and walk away and busy yourself.

Just ignore it? A grumpy face and crossed arms is hardly the end of the world! It's not like she's screaming the place down. She's 5 - does it really need "dealing" with?

Ignore it

Ignore. She’s trying to get a reaction out of you- and you are giving it!

She’ll learn how to be a right stroppy madam to get the results she wants if she feels like it pushes your buttons...

My daughter is a similar age. The moaning, dramatics and grumpiness is so hard to deal with, its mentally exhausting. I don't always follow my own advice but I have found that ignoring it doesn't work (the strops get louder and she just repeats and repeats moans until we listen). And getting grumpy back, pointing out she is being over the top etc definitely doesn't. It's hard because I don't want her to carry on with this behaviour and turn into the child that others don't want to play with because she has a strop and causes a drama when things aren't going her way.

Sometimes empathising, saying something like 'yeah tidying is boring isn't it, let's try and get it done quick so we can do something fun' can help take the wind out of sails a bit

My daughter is similar (she’s just turned 6) and it can be really draining. Sometimes she calms down if we ignore her, but other times it makes her more upset. Telling her to stop it makes her more grumpy/ upset, but I don’t want her to be the child no-one wants to play with because she has a tantrum if she doesn’t get her own way.

I try to do a mixture of sympathising with her (yes, it is frustrating that you have to stop playing to eat lunch) and ignoring/ being non-committal (I say Mmm a lot). But sometimes it’s really hard to stay patient!

Yeah I don’t want it to sound like I’m being over the top and “dealing” with a non-issue, but it’s just so mentally draining when she won’t talk, won’t explain what’s bothering her, won’t do anything except make annoying faces and expressions that remind me of those typical bratty kids that nobody wants to be around! Ugh.

She’s doing it again right now lol. It’s so annoying, I can’t work out why it grinds my gears so much. Maybe because she generally has a lot of nice things, positive attention and love from everyone around her and it almost feels like she’s been ‘ungrateful’? Which makes no sense because she’s only 5

Just so damn tiring. I can feel myself ageing lol.

Children can be mini-tyrants. I think it's built into humans. Christ, parenting is such an awful slog.

@GettingUntrapped accurate. Some days it just feels very unrewarding and exhausting.

Active ignoring, suddenly be busy doing something else.

They've not always got the skills to express their emotions at that age.

I agree with the "ready to listen when you're ready to talk" approach. It acknowledges them, let's them know you're there and then you're not giving positive or negative attention to a bad habit.

Gives you a few minutes to shake off the annoyance too.

Ignore the silliness and walk away. Before you leave tell her that when she's ready to talk she comes tell you but she needs to change her attitude. My ds is 5 and he understands this perfectly. He doesn't do this alot but when he is in a mood, that is what we do. He has no one indulging this behavior so he sorts himself out very quick.

Ignore
She’s obviously doing it for attention so don’t give it!

I actually wouldn't just ignore it, I would tell her to stop being silly and get out her mood and if she ignored that then j would tell her that's fine, I'll ignore you too. I would also tell her that no one likes a child that acts like a spoilt brat when they don't get their own way, and then blank her.

My daughter does this and it’s so wearing. I tend to say ‘I’m going to go and do X, come snd tell me when you want a cuddle/talk.’ That sometimes triggers a strop but worth a try! I try and bear in mind they’re little and can’t always explain their frustrations.

It sounds a bit like attention seeking. When she's done this previously, have you fussed around her to make her feel better? I'd just ask her what's wrong and if she's pulling faces and not talking, I'd walk away and tell her you'll be around when she wants help and that stropping will get her nowhere. She'll soon cotton on when she's not getting the attention she wants. It may also be worth speaking to her about her behaviour when she's out of the strop to at least give her the opportunity to stop herself doing it.

I don't have a 5 year old (yet) but as a teacher of them I can definitely echo what others have said about the "we can talk when you're ready" approach. "Oh dear, I can see you're really cross about xyz. I'll be over here when you're ready to talk nicely to me about it and then maybe I can help you." If she then tries whining or grumping about it, calmly but firmly repeat that she needs to use her normal voice and you will talk to her when she's ready to do that.

Let me know when you have stopped huffing- and walk out the room

Yep, totally ignore her and walk away

I like that you're self aware enough to see your reaction to this behaviour is emotional and disproportionate. That's why ignoring it doesn't work, you can't, it's tapping into something in you that's more than just her behaviour. Probably something about how you were treated/your emotions responded to in your own childhood.

Would recommend Philippa Perry's book "The book you wish your parents had read" to help you get to the bottom of why you find this behaviour triggering. As others have said, the reason it persists is because you are reacting to it which is answering some need in her for attention (you gave two younger kids so she's prob struggling for what she perceives as her "fair share"!). So once you have bottomed out and controlled your instinctive overreaction see if you can figure out what is triggering her need for attention and preempt it maybe?

With me it's my 4yo crying about everything, even trivial things. I want to be loving and sympathetic but because I'm such a people pleaser i feel personally implicated by her unhappiness (need to make it better! But ... She has to put her socks on!) and so I overreact and get shouty. I'm working on it!!! So hard parenting with the baggage of our own childhoods/family dynamics in tow. Good luck!

She is doing it for attention. I know when my younger sister was born when I was almost that age I was unhappy. I see you have two other small children I can guarantee she is doing it because she feels a bit pushed out because of younger siblings.

She may be unsure herself. I have a very strong memory of feeling excluded as toddlers and babies do take up a lot of time and my Mother was unwell when she had my younger sister so my whole world turned upside down. All you can do is reinforce praise when she is good.

I’m from a very big family and was number five. My happiest memory is when I had a whole day out with my Mother to myself.

@Shareddriveagghh this is so true. I've got a 3mo and my 4yo is struggling SO much, it's awful and I don't know how to help her adjust. Trying to carve out time for just her and me is a real challenge right now but when I manage it it does her so much good. With two young kids it must seem almost impossible! But worth it if you can. I think because our small ones are so small we maybe start seeing our big ones as bigger/more capable than they are, especially emotionally. Or in our case there's stuff we've been letting slide/doing for her because when we had the time it was easier than challenging her/enforcing boundaries and now we have the baby there is no time to do things like get her dressed when she's perfectly able to do it herself so we're suddenly expecting more of her. It's rotten on the older siblings!