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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to leave my husband?

20 replies

hernameisHannah · 16/05/2021 10:07

Reasons to leave: I cheated on him, with a woman, and I am pretty sure I'm a lesbian. I don't look forward to a future with him. I'm bored by him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him properly.

Reasons to stay: he's a wonderful, kind, loving husband and father. We have been together for 15 years and we have a great home and family. He works hard and puts me and our kids first. He's attractive and he takes care of himself. He's a generous lover. I've been very honest with him about the cheating and my sexuality and he still desperately wants me to stay with him and make things work. He will be absolutely devastated if I leave. As the lower earner he will be considerably worse off. He's putting effort in to improve our relationship now, communicate better and not sweat the small stuff (previous fairly minor issues we had). He's even agreed to opening up our relationship on a trial basis so I can date women. He loves me, he knows me, he still wants me.

OP posts:

AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 16/05/2021 10:16

Leave him. You've cheated, you've said you feel that you're a lesbian. Why stay and continue to live a lie to both yourself and your husband?

I don't mean to sound confrontational, things never come across write via these type of posts.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/05/2021 10:27

Do you think he could be genuinely happy knowing you're in a relationship with someone else as well as him? If you're having doubts I guess you could try it for a period and see how it goes. I have a feeling it will just prolong the agony for him though

MishMashMummy · 16/05/2021 10:42

I think that the relationship is over. He may desperately want to salvage it, but if the reality is that you’re a lesbian there is nothing he can do to make it work. He would most likely just put himself (and you) through the stress of trying to make it work without any hope of true resolution. It might therefore be kinder to have a clean (and fair and amicable) break now, where divorce proceedings are conducted with love and fairness, than to drag it out to the point of hostility.

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 16/05/2021 21:46

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

He said he'd be ok as long as it doesn't affect our relationship but how could it not

OP posts:

Countrygirl2021 · 16/05/2021 22:15

If you wanted to stay you wouldn't have told him you cheated and you want to go.

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 20/05/2021 23:55

I don't want to stay.
But... it seems insane to leave.

OP posts:

Pinkpaisley · 20/05/2021 23:59

Leave him. Staying would be cruel.

Be extremely generous when it comes to the financial negotiation.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 21/05/2021 00:00

You are gay.

Staying with a man because he is a good man robs you of your true self and robs him of being with a woman who is sexually attracted to him.

That's insane.

Oly4 · 21/05/2021 00:02

I agree that staying is cruel. You’re a lesbian, let him be with somebody else who deserves him.
I also agree to not screwing him financially

moofolk · 21/05/2021 00:06

You have just described my situation a few years ago.

Down to a T.

Leave him. It will be hard at first but if he's a decent bloke then you'll manage to get on. I am happy that I made the choices I did and we are now excellent co-parents and good friends.

He took it really badly at first but is with another woman now (who was a lesbian when I first knew her so he clearly has a type) and we are all happy.

JackieTheFart · 21/05/2021 00:06

@hernameisHannah

I don't want to stay. But... it seems insane to leave.

It seems insane to stay.

You can’t stay because he wants you to. You don’t love him the way a wife is supposed to, you never will no matter how generous a lover he is.

It’s unfair to let him do the ‘pick me’ dance when you know you want to be with a woman. It’s unfair to stay because it’s easier for you, knowing it’ll be heartbreak for him.

Seriously, just read a few of the threads on Relationships about women who’ve stayed with their cheating husbands. How unhappy they are but can’t bring themselves to break up because of the kids or whatever.

spotcheck · 21/05/2021 00:08

Aw, come on.
This is the father of your children. Love him enough to want a better future for him than the one he is grasping on to.

Don't just let him go, INSIST that you both deserve a full and living relationship.

If you stay, you WILL hurt him terribly.
Leave early enough that a friendship can be salvaged

Musication · 21/05/2021 02:07

You must leave. You don't love him and you've cheated. He is clutching at straws but once the initial shock and sadness passes he will have a better life, and so will you.

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 06/06/2021 22:38

Three weeks on and not much has changed. He still wants to save our marriage. We are having counseling.

The counselor wrote me in an email "I do encourage you again, to think very carefully before you make a decision that will change the course of your life and that of your family. At this point, X has expressed his willingness to give you the space to explore this within the marriage."
Wtf does that mean.
I've been reading the thread about whether children are hurt by divorce

OP posts:

aibubaby · 06/06/2021 22:44

Get rid of that counsellor, for a start - what a horrendous thing to say.

Your husband deserves the chance at a full relationship who loves him as a man. It doesn't matter how nice he is, how well you get on, all of it - you're a lesbian. He's a man.

I'm not a saying marriage of convenience couldn't work, but how are either of you ever going to move on emotionally when you're still married and living together? He'll struggle to find a woman who's okay with that, as would you I imagine. If you want to be able to be a lesbian in practice (so to speak) you'd either have to only have flings forever or agree never to live together, have her visit your house etc...?

Be kind to both of you in the long run, and divorce. Your child will be FINE - they have two parents who love them.

QioiioiioQ · 06/06/2021 22:47

I think the counsellor wants to prolong the relationship because he knows it will damage you both psychologically and he can continue to take his fees from you

Cocopogo · 06/06/2021 22:50

I would tell you you are crazy to put sex before your kids and family but that horse has bolted now so do the decent thing and walk away.

QioiioiioQ · 06/06/2021 22:50

his willingness to give you the space to explore this within the marriage
I think that's code for 'give you space to get it out of your system'

Moanranger · 06/06/2021 22:59

Re counsellors advice: two of my friends trained as counsellors and they are the LAST people I would ask for advice. Ignore

aibubaby · 06/06/2021 23:16

Just realised my advice says that you're a lesbian as thought it was 100% when I see that you're not fully sure yet.

My advice doesn't change though - I know a man who is 'gay except for his wife' as he puts it, had only ever slept with men but his wife is the one person he fell in love with. The point is that you're not in love with your husband, because if this was the same situation you wouldn't care if you were otherwise only attracted to women, you were in love with him.

But you're not, and you're bored by him. You don't want to be in a relationship with him, his sex is irrelevant. So do him a favour.

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