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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner swore at baby. **Title edited by MNHQ**

26 replies

Shadowescu · 15/05/2021 20:23

Baby is 5 months old for the past couple of days he hasn't been really settled at night. I gave him a bath tonight and he was fine but then I gave him a bottle and he kept screaming and he wouldn't settle. So I gave him to partner and he settled and eventually fell asleep on him. I then left them to do something else as partner said he'd put him in his cot. Partner put him in his cot and he started crying again and I heard partner say for fuck sake and then he shouted at baby 'go to fucking sleep and stop fucking crying'. I went in and said to partner not to swear at him and that he probably wanted a cuddle. He then gave baby to me and shouted at me you settle him then. He's now sulking.

Aibu and overrating or he is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shadowescu · 15/05/2021 20:31

@Shadowescu

Baby is 5 months old for the past couple of days he hasn't been really settled at night. I gave him a bath tonight and he was fine but then I gave him a bottle and he kept screaming and he wouldn't settle. So I gave him to partner and he settled and eventually fell asleep on him. I then left them to do something else as partner said he'd put him in his cot. Partner put him in his cot and he started crying again and I heard partner say for fuck sake and then he shouted at baby 'go to fucking sleep and stop fucking crying'. I went in and said to partner not to swear at him and that he probably wanted a cuddle. He then gave baby to me and shouted at me you settle him then. He's now sulking.

Aibu and overrating or he is being unreasonable?

Overreacting*
OP posts:
IsItSafeToBeOptimisticYet · 15/05/2021 20:35

Honestly? I never yelled at my newborn but I have said (to all three) 'what? What now. For fucks sake I need to sleep at some point' or something along those lines.
Parenting a newborn is hard. My husband and I have a great relationship but it was definitely tested with each newborn we brought home.

Original poster
Shadowescu · 15/05/2021 20:52

I just don't know if I was overreacting

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 15/05/2021 21:00

@IsItSafeToBeOptimisticYet

Honestly? I never yelled at my newborn but I have said (to all three) 'what? What now. For fucks sake I need to sleep at some point' or something along those lines. Parenting a newborn is hard. My husband and I have a great relationship but it was definitely tested with each newborn we brought home.
Very much so, sleep deprivation is a killer. DH was always more placid and patient than me, I'd be in a corner, rocking, eyeballs on stalks. It's also frustration more than anything else, that you cant fix the problem. It very much undermines your self-confidence and self-worth. It's not ideal, having a Tourettes-style explosion, but it happens. If he/you are generally on an even keel then I wouldn't overthink it
Summersun2020 · 15/05/2021 21:00

Neither of you wbu. Of course you were correct that he shouldn’t shout and swear at a baby-otoh it sounds like he’s struggling and the newborn stage/sleep deprivation is tough. How about support each other instead of biting his head off? Show a bit of understanding.

BackforGood · 15/05/2021 21:06

As pp said, I doubt if there is an honest parent amongst us who hasn't
a) overreacted to something
b) got frustrated at a baby not sleeping
at some point during a sleep deprived month.

Of course, calmly, logically etc etc nobody ought to be angry with a baby.
Of course we all do things we wish we hadn't when fighting through the fog of sleep deprivation
Of course we have all been short with our partners when fighting the fog of sleep deprivation.

I@m not going to say either of you were or weren't being unreasonable as reason doesn't come into it.

ViciousJackdaw · 15/05/2021 21:17

Someone posted about the very same thing last month. People do get frustrated, it's the sleep deprivation and the god-awful noise. He did the right thing by walking away but I can only echo what others have said in that you need to be kinder to each other.

Original poster
Shadowescu · 15/05/2021 21:18

Once DS is asleep he's fine, he maybe wakes up once at about midnight/1am for a bottle but I always go to him and he always settles after that and goes back to sleep. He then wakes at 5:30/6 and I usually get up with him. Partner does about once a week.

OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 15/05/2021 21:20

Your partner is a knob! How frightened that baby must have been having a fully grown gorilla scream abuse at him. We’ve recently went through similar with our ds and it was actually a teeth ready to come through

MindyStClaire · 15/05/2021 21:22

The swearing wouldn't bother me at that age, the shouting would. If he reached the end of his tether and is normally a loving, involved father and is unhappy with himself for having shouted, I'd put it down as a once off.

PurpleSunrise · 15/05/2021 21:23

@Shadowescu

Once DS is asleep he's fine, he maybe wakes up once at about midnight/1am for a bottle but I always go to him and he always settles after that and goes back to sleep. He then wakes at 5:30/6 and I usually get up with him. Partner does about once a week.
So he’s not sleep deprived/stressed with baby/struggling? If not then I would think he overreacted and I’d be furious personally.

Is he quick to anger/frustration generally or what is he like?

Aprilwasverywet · 15/05/2021 21:25

My ds is in the army. Sleep deprivation is used in their initial training....
Karma for all the sleepless nights he gave me.
As a baby I told the gps receptionist either she found me an appointment or ds was getting left in the buggy park at the surgery..
Some people can't handle lack of sleep. Unless your ds was hysterical because of being shouted at I would speak to your dp when you are calm and not shattered... A one off is forgivable... Becomes a habit not so much.

Traveller3367 · 15/05/2021 21:26

@Joinedjustforthispost
You sound like a terrible parent. Would you be that unforgiving if your child made a mistake due to sleep deprivation and desperation? Have some compassion!

user648482729 · 15/05/2021 21:28

It’s the shouting that would bother me; I’ve muttered things that I’m not proud of but I’d rather put my crying baby down and walk out the room for a minute rather than end up shouting

AliasGrape · 15/05/2021 21:32

I can’t believe how many people are making excuses for him.

The OP has clarified that her partner is not sleep deprived since it’s OP doing most of the wakes.

Shouting at an upset baby is awful and I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Swearing isn’t ideal but we’ve all been there - I know I’ve muttered ‘go the fuck to sleep’ a few times when women for the 8th time in a night - but that’s not the situation here - your partner wasn’t woken up, this didn’t happen in the early hours, baby had been asleep and woke up upset - awful to shout at him.

Bul21ia · 15/05/2021 21:34

Sorry but I think your response was a bit slow! OP

It’s a good job you went in!

Has your partner mentioned anything? Did he say sorry and he was caught up in the moment?

toocold54 · 15/05/2021 21:34

You’re overreacting a bit but I understand.
He was tired and grumpy but as long as he wasn’t full on shouting at the baby then I think it’s ok as the baby is too young to understand his language.

But I don’t think swearing is the best and if he was getting stressed he should have left the baby crying and then went and got you to settle him. Being sleep deprived is really tough and if one of you is getting stressed it’s important to recognise that and let the other person take over.

Bul21ia · 15/05/2021 21:36

@toocold54

You’re overreacting a bit but I understand. He was tired and grumpy but as long as he wasn’t full on shouting at the baby then I think it’s ok as the baby is too young to understand his language.

But I don’t think swearing is the best and if he was getting stressed he should have left the baby crying and then went and got you to settle him. Being sleep deprived is really tough and if one of you is getting stressed it’s important to recognise that and let the other person take over.

What is OP overreacting about? She told her DP not to swear!! That is all and then the her partner went on to do the shouting Confused
justanotherneighinparadise · 15/05/2021 21:36

I don’t remember ever swearing but I do remember shouting once at my first born as he just wouldn’t stop crying abd I didn’t have a clue what to do. He just cried louder!!!! Do I have sympathy all round. Those days are tough.

nanbread · 15/05/2021 21:40

I think there's different types of shouting, aren't there. Some are less acceptable than others. A baby hearing a parent shout angrily once is unlikely to do any kind of long lasting harm.

I also think every parent should be cut a bit of slack and not written off as a terrible parent and person for one mistake. Some people get very triggered by long bouts of crying, I know I did.

The sulking however is shit, he probably feels defensive and like a failure, but he needs to grow up a bit and learn to communicate.

Suggest when you're both calm you talk to him about it, discuss without judgement what sort of parents you both want to be and think of other things you could do when you feel like shouting etc.

wildeverose · 15/05/2021 21:42

Honestly it's not going to harm him long term - he shouldn't have shouted, but honestly most parents have lost the will to live over a baby who just will not stop screaming. If it's a once off I'd let it go tbh.

Original poster
Shadowescu · 15/05/2021 21:46

@PurpleSunrise no he isn't sleep deprived. He usually is calm with DS so I have no clue why he shouted at him especially as he wasn't trying to sleep, he just put DS in his cot.

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 15/05/2021 21:51

HoW long is the screaming going on for? Is It a long time?
I've had a baby who would scream due hours, it's mentally draining. I have raised my voice on frustration, sworn, walked away and ignored and put ear phones in, playing music. It's hard.
Parenting is very difficult at times and we all react to stress differently. I think the fact it's the first time it's happened is a good thing, as it's not a regular occurrence. Do you think you'd both be able to talk about it calmly and discuss how you could handle the baby crying, that way you are both doing the same.
It's rubbish he's sulking but he probably feels guilty and embarrassed. It's hard to admit you're not coping.

SunnydaleClassProtector99 · 15/05/2021 21:52

They cover this in NCT classes it's very common for parents to feel overwhelmed at a crying baby. It can set off your fight or flight mode.
What they recommend is checking baby is safe. Close the door and go to another room to calm down. Swapping partner dealing with it can help.
People who are sleep deprived or generally stressed can end up shaking babies so it's really important you get out before either of you get overwhelmed.

pregnantncnc · 15/05/2021 22:09

I consider myself a gentle parent. It's an ethos/parenting style I wholeheartedly believe it is the right approach for our family, due to both mine and DH's personalities and upbringings.

However, there have been occasions where I have shouted at my 15 month old son, including swearing at him. I've snapped at him when I've been incredibly frustrated. I consider myself to be a good mother. I apologise to my son afterwards. When this has happened, my husband has come to me to offer support and we've figured out ways to help me feel less frustrated and more in control. He certainly didn't berate me for something I already felt incredibly guilty for. I'm calm with DS more than 99% of the time, I hold space for his emotions and make sure he feels safe and loved and respected. But burnout is real. Adapting to parenting is really hard. Sometimes we forget to care for ourselves properly and it translates to how we care for our children. If it was my husband who shouted at our baby, I'd be trying to figure out what is lacking for him and what he needs to better his emotional wellbeing.

Also what @SunnydaleClassProtector99 (great username) said. It is common enough for it to be covered in NCT classes, I'd forgotten about that until now but remember in the beginning telling myself over and over "if it gets too much, just lay the baby down in his cot and go and take a breath".