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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you politely tell someone to butt out without causing an family argument?

49 replies

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 15:15

I have an uncle and his girlfriend who I see maybe twice a year and really aren’t close too. They travelled down to see us a few days ago and were talking about my wedding next year.

They’ve made all sorts of assumptions and when I’ve politely corrected them on facts like the ceremony just being a few witnesses and the reception being for everyone they’ve reacted quite heatedly and are now just pretending that I haven’t said that and are messaging me constantly about the day, the wedding breakfast, the hen party etc ( all things they’re not invited too).

I’ve literally met this woman maybe 6 times and she’s messaging me constantly, trying to organise things and I’ve told her to just leave it, we’ve only just booked the damn thing and still aren’t sure ourselves what’s going on.

They’re also trying to use my grandparents against me, saying they would be mortally offended not to come to the ceremony, they won’t want to drive, they won’t want to stay blah blah. I’ve already spoken to my grandparents they are fine, they eloped themselves and even gifted us the deposit for the venue. I have already arranged the accommodation for my grandparents and I am driving them myself as they live near us.

I really want to say, fuck off and leave me alone you’re no coming but obviously don’t want to cause a huge issue.

Aibu to just fuck them off all together. Am I being a bridezilla? I’m also pregnant and a bit not myself but I’m so annoyed. It’s supposed to be a really laid back affair and now it just feels irritation.

OP posts:

saraclara · 15/05/2021 16:23

@ShutUpAlex

I only see them twice a year. But other family members see them a lot more and are closer to them.

I'm guessing it's the wedding breakfast that's going to cause the rumpus? How many are you inviting to that? Would any of the rest of the family be prepared to warn them that it's going to be a very small affair and they might not be on the list? Or would that result in 12 months of demanding to be invited?

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 16:25

The wedding breakfast is literally the witnesses for our ceremony. So our parents and siblings that’s literally if.

OP posts:

Melitza · 15/05/2021 16:27

You may need to give the b&b a heads up that any bookings from a deranged woman are nothing to do with you!

HalzTangz · 15/05/2021 16:35

@ShutUpAlex

The only thing I’ve responded so far is “we don’t know what’s happening yet, we only booked it on Monday.”

She has sent me 23 separate messages and I’m due to see her in a few weeks 😩

Just tell her politely that you're flattered she's taking such an interest but no plans are finalise other than those already discussed, extremely small ceremony with larger reception. I'm assuming you have invited them to the reception. Could they (as a compromise and to void fall out that you are keen to avoid) attend the stag and hen do.

MrsDoctorDear · 15/05/2021 16:37

“What time is the wedding breakfast and what are we wearing?”

You need to nip this in the bud. Tell her straight you have limited numbers and they are not on the guest list. You can't let them carry on thinking they will be invited.

Changechangychange · 15/05/2021 16:38

She is mental. She is the girlfriend of a distant uncle, and she is behaving like a particularly pushy mother of the bride.

You do have to tell her “no” when she is threatening to book stuff, or I can guarantee that she will cause a family fall-out when you won’t pay her back for random shit she has arranged against your wishes. If it wasn’t for the risk of a family row, I agree, I would let her waste her money on booking a whole B&B if she wants to. But overall not worth it.

Maybe a blanket “Janet, please do not book anything, as I have told you we are still deciding on that. You are making this extremely stressful for us by arranging things we have told you we do not want”.

But aside from that, ignore her.

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 16:38

There is no way she’s coming on my hen do haha.

She can be happy with the reception or she can get fucked. I just don’t want to be rude but I feel like that may be the only way to get through to her.

OP posts:

CadburyCake · 15/05/2021 16:38

Uncle’s girlfriend? I’d be suggesting if she’s that keen on organising a wedding and looking after a baby there’s an obvious solution looking in the mirror....

MrsDoctorDear · 15/05/2021 16:39

I mean get it down in writing and screen shot the message so no dispute further down the line.

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 16:40

I have told her point blank to her face she’s not invited to the breakfast or the ceremony. She just doesn’t seem to be having it.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 15/05/2021 16:42

If the messages are on WhatsApp you can just mute the conversation.
However, I think some of the responses upthread from TheProvincialLady and saraclara or Selkie1961 are good. Just don't reply to her.

Changechangychange · 15/05/2021 16:43

@MrsDoctorDear

I mean get it down in writing and screen shot the message so no dispute further down the line.

Yep, my suggested message was also for the benefit of screenshotting/forwarding to the rest of the family when she causes a massive screeching row later on.

Unfortunately from what you have said, I think the massive screeching row is inevitable at this point, it is just a case of when.

MrsDoctorDear · 15/05/2021 16:46

@ShutUpAlex

I have told her point blank to her face she’s not invited to the breakfast or the ceremony. She just doesn’t seem to be having it.

She's a crank. Can your uncle can explain it to her and rein her in?

Cowbells · 15/05/2021 16:48

Can you kill them with kindness:

Dear Barely Known Rellies,

It was so lovely to see you. I was incredibly touched by the interest you took in our wedding and your enthusiasm for it. So it is a bit embarrassing to have to say that we really are having a tiny do to keep costs down so only immediate family are invited. Thank you for understanding that this in no way reflects on how much we love our wider family. We just decided to have a very quiet affair.

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 16:52

My uncle is just cross about the whole thing really. He thinks I’d were “excluding” certain members I’d the family then we should just have two strangers as witnesses.... which is what we wanted until we got guilted into having parents and siblings there so I already feel like we have compromised loads.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 15/05/2021 16:52

"As I have said, the only people invited to the ceremony and the wedding breakfast are our parents and siblings. Evening invitations will be sent out for extended family and friends, in the post, nearer the date of the wedding. We will not be taking any responsibility for guests accommodation. People are free to book their own accommodation as they see fit, once invitations have been sent."

After that ignore any further messages, questions from her/your uncle/other interfering relatives regarding the wedding. Block her if needs be.

123ZYX · 15/05/2021 16:57

Is she frustrated your uncle won't marry her?

Maybe you need to ask about when she's getting married/ what her plans are for when she gets married each time you reply? I wouldn't normally suggest it, but she's not exactly being nice to you either

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 17:01

@123ZYX yea this is her issue I think.
She says every year that if he doesn’t propose that year then she’s leaving and they’ve been together 10 years I think. She says that to everyone else mind, don’t think she’s ever said that to him.

OP posts:

SuperSange · 15/05/2021 17:12

I agree that one final, very clear message, in words of one syllable is in order. Spell it out that it's nothing to do with her and any further messages will result in no invitation at all. I couldn't be arsed with dancing around trying to avoid a family row that I'd not caused. Fuck that.

Aprilwasverywet · 15/05/2021 17:41

She sounds like a guest who would turn up wearing white op..
And she will be throwing guests left right and centre to catch your bouquet!.

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 15/05/2021 17:44

Haha she probably would!! Not doing the whole throwing the bouquet thing luckily!

OP posts:

SkodaKodiaq · 15/05/2021 17:51

Please just stand up to her OP. Otherwise you're going to have 12 months of this

SkodaKodiaq · 15/05/2021 17:54

Sounds very much like your Uncle & her have said to each other that they're going whether you like it or not! And that's why she's ignored you when you've tried to tell her she's not invited and is why she keeps forcing all these messages on you - so you feel guilted into allowing it

saraclara · 15/05/2021 21:17

@ShutUpAlex

I have told her point blank to her face she’s not invited to the breakfast or the ceremony. She just doesn’t seem to be having it.

Jeeeze. She's totally nuts then.

So yep. "The wedding is a year away. Having booked the venue, we will be doing no more planning for some time. I'm glad you're excited about coming to our reception, but there really isn't anything more to do or arrange at this point. People are making their own arrangements re: accommodation, as people have their own tastes and budget, so booking many rooms at one place wouldn't work"

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