To not ask ExH to swap contact right before DDs birthday?

[BlueLovingGirl]

ExH and I share a DD who will be turning 7 in July. There is a CAO giving ExH one night EOW and then other specific days throughout the year this was made in 2018, but as we’ve got further from the split there has been some flexibility in arrangements e.g. ExH wants to take DD to a wedding in August on “my” weekend so I’ve agreed he can take her if he ignores me booking a holiday over “his” weekend.

There is an event that my dad (DF) would like to take DD to if covid restrictions allow, but it falls on the Saturday before DDs birthday (she will 7 on the Tuesday after the Saturday) it’s also ExHs weekend.

DF wants me to ask ExH if I can have DD for the Saturday and I instantly thought no to asking. While there is some flexibility if ExH asked to have her right before her birthday on my weekend I’d instantly say no, ExH has parents and grandparents who dote on DD (as their only grandchild/great grandchild) and they haven’t been able to see much of her over the last year or so, they completely missed her 6th birthday due to restrictions. Also selfishly I’ve got an activity planned the weekend after her birthday (“my” weekend) and I don’t want to cancel that unless it’s cancelled for me due to restrictions because if I ask for those few hours on the Saturday ExH could turn round and ask for her the following week to compensate for the missed time with her.

DF says that its one day a year this event happens and it’s not “on” that ExH has all the cards when it comes to the weekends, when I do all the weekday stuff like homework and school runs.

For context ExH and I split due to his violence and control so I am always wary when asking to change contact and only do it if I have a trump card (like the wedding). DD has some additional needs and struggles with the EOW as it is, chopping and changing it unnecessarily is not in her best interests. I also don’t believe DD is “mine” just because I do 90% of the parenting, ExH has as much say even if he doesn’t actually use it I also know she has the right to a family live in both homes and her great grandparents on her dads side are lovely and amazing and I’d never unnecessarily deprive them of time with her (they do actually see her in the week sometimes as I pop round when I go to the shop as they live closer to me than ExH but that’s not the point).

So WIBU me or DF?

YABU - I am UR
YANBU - DF is UR

I agree with you. I think changing all the plans for a single event would be unfair. Surely ExH and his family will have plans that weekend to celebrate DD birthday?

If your DF wants to treat your DD then there will be other events / activities that they can do together.

No one is being unreasonable, I think your DF just doesn't fully understand the implications of his request. If you explained you risk not having her on her birthday (which you already have plans for) by making his request then hopefully it be clearer to him. Perhaps agree you'll try to have her for this event next year.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

No one is being unreasonable, I think your DF just doesn't fully understand the implications of his request. If you explained you risk not having her on her birthday (which you already have plans for) by making his request then hopefully it be clearer to him. Perhaps agree you'll try to have her for this event next year.

Her birthdays the Tuesday after, so I'll have her as ExH doesn't have contact but I risk not having her for my birthday celebration.

*contact midweek that should be

Imo ex needs to have dd either weekend before or after her birthday. You cant have both weekends as such. So if your dad takes her then you cancel your activity.

For the sake of your child, if the event with your DF is something you think she would enjoy, could you ask to swap but see if he would like your DD on her birthday? Then she gets the event with your DF, sees her dad for birthday celebrations, and does the birthday celebration with you too the following weekend

@PremierLynn

For the sake of your child, if the event with your DF is something you think she would enjoy, could you ask to swap but see if he would like your DD on her birthday? Then she gets the event with your DF, sees her dad for birthday celebrations, and does the birthday celebration with you too the following weekend

ExH won't have her in the week so can't have her for her birthday so it's either before or after. His weekend is before her birthday so I've made plans for the weekend after.

@Hankunamatata

Imo ex needs to have dd either weekend before or after her birthday. You cant have both weekends as such. So if your dad takes her then you cancel your activity.

Unfortunately the way the court orders written I have to pay that contact back even if it's an hour because he doesn;t have any weekday contact. He lives close enough to have it but doesn't want it.

Your DF IBU. You and ex should each have a weekend either side of her birthday

It’s only fair that ex has DD either weekend before or after he birthday. I’m sure he will also have potentially been making plans with his family, especially as they missed her last birthday. I think your only option is to cancel your activity or say no to your DF.

It would depend, for me, on what the event was & how much DD would enjoy it with my Dad.

If I thought she'd love it, I'd change my birthday celebration to my next weekend I have her.

@AlmostSummer21

It would depend, for me, on what the event was & how much DD would enjoy it with my Dad.

If I thought she'd love it, I'd change my birthday celebration to my next weekend I have her.

She would love it but she will equally love seeing her grandparents and great grandparents and being spoilt by them.

You seem to be thinking it comes down to either your father’s event or the ex’s event (or weekend), which isn’t fair. The decision needs to be does she attend your fathers activity or whatever it is you have planned. Ex’s plans should not be touched in this, it is not fair that you or your family get both birthday weekends.

@Aprilx

You seem to be thinking it comes down to either your father’s event or the ex’s event (or weekend), which isn’t fair. The decision needs to be does she attend your fathers activity or whatever it is you have planned. Ex’s plans should not be touched in this, it is not fair that you or your family get both birthday weekends.

But she can't do both, if I cancel her weekend with ExH to have her for my DFs event then I will not get to do the activity I planned for her the weekend after her birthday because she will be with ExH. I absolutely do not want to have her for both weekends, the decision is do I ask ExH and possibly alter his plans and mine for the sake of my DF?

Will add I am not invited to DFs event, it is just DD if that makes a difference?

if I cancel her weekend with ExH to have her for my DFs event then I will not get to do the activity I planned for her the weekend after her birthday because she will be with ExH.

Surely the decision to cancel isn't yours to make? If she's due to go to her dads that weekend, then he and his family are already likely to have made plans for her birthday.

wild guess, but did you effectively marry your father? sounds like they are both controlling .... personally i's day no to DF in this instance.

Can you give some details Re the DF event? Sounds strange (and possibly controlling?) that you’re not invited to that.

Tell your DF to sort it out with ex himself.

Can you not move your activity to the Sunday before her birthday? Then that leaves following weekend free for your ex

To be honest, it’s sounding like there’s other reasons that you don’t want DF to take her to this event

@Bonheurdupasse

Can you give some details Re the DF event? Sounds strange (and possibly controlling?) that you’re not invited to that.

I am invited but i'd have to drive myself, he'd want DD in his car with his friend and friends granddaughters (x2) as his friends GDs fight if there isn't someone sat between them.

Plus i usually work the weekend DDs with her dad as I get overtime pay (my hourly rate plus half).

I could change my activity to a Sunday but due to covid restrictions you have to book in advance so it's whether they have space.

Event is a yearly event to do with something to do with my DF, my brother and I used to go with him when we were children, there will be like a market, funfair and activities for the kids to do. DD will love it, she's never been before as she's always been with ExH when it happens and then last year when we could of gone with it being my weekend it was cancelled.

No is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain yourself to your father.