AIBU to think this is bullying/ verging on emotional abuse??

[jazzitup15]

AIBU to think this is bullying?? DD's best friend is very manipulative and controlling. BUT she is also the most confident and polite teenager you will ever come across. She is head girl at the school and does every thing to help the teachers - but she is a real *** to my DD. I have complained about a few incidents in year 7 but they would not even listen as this girl is the best behaved girl in the school. She constantly puts my DD down tells her she is fat constantly and that she needs to wash her hair every day if she wants to look as good as her. She keeps asking my DD questions about sex, drugs etc which she doesn't know and sending them to other girls in the school. She sits next to her in class and pokes her in the thigh with an orange stick until my DD screams out then DD gets in trouble because this child would never ever do anything wrong. She is so confident and an adults dream. Every night she starts some drama with the girls in the group - I have been listening into the conversations - she makes rotas of who can meet who when - she tells them all what they need to wear , usually naff clothes so she can dress up and look the best. She never swears or shouts and always talks in a calm voice but gets kicks out of winding my DD up. When we used to have her round before lockdown she would always wash up for me and talk so politely and be full of how thankful she is to me for my hospitality but I can see right through her.

They have huge falls out but her friends charm and lovely words such as "You are the most loyal friend to me and you are so pretty" reels my DD back in and this is obviously my DD's insecurties that are making her keep making up with her. When they havent been friends the insults have been even more degrading. She makes sure however that whatever she says is removed from her phone straight away so there is no evidence. She is 15 and her manipulation skills are something else. My DD is getting into so much trouble at school and although yes she can think for herself and she shouldn't do exactly as she says she is only 14 and it is like she is being emotionally abused by her.

This sounds like something else.
I’m going to skip over a few steps here and say that you can try many things which I doubt will work, and they will cause lots of aggro…so I would say just go straight to moving DD to a different school.

Can you take photos of chats on your phone and keep an evidence log? Especially if
This is on Snapchat and disappears. Surely the school will have to take action when this is written down in black and white - they can’t deny it! Why should your daughter have to move when this girl is a bully?

Or if it’s calls/voice notes etc can you record them on a voice note in your phone!

I had a friend like this at school. I literally had to cut her out my life, was very hard at 16 as she had a hold on all my other friends!

I still have her on Facebook now at 28. She's definitely a narcissist but we don't talk. I met her at a school reunion (I moved city at 18) and she was insufferable.

Has your DD spoke to you about her or what she wants?

I had a friend like this at school. It messed me up for decades.

You have to tell your daughter to stop being friend with her slowly, my daughter since she was 12 years old she was able to cut those type of friend of, I understand some children are not able to do this on their own, so you have to teach her to avoid this type of friends

@emi93

I had a friend like this at school. I literally had to cut her out my life, was very hard at 16 as she had a hold on all my other friends!

I still have her on Facebook now at 28. She's definitely a narcissist but we don't talk. I met her at a school reunion (I moved city at 18) and she was insufferable.

Has your DD spoke to you about her or what she wants?

That sums up Facebook perfectly

It is most definately bullying!! I'm feeling both yours and your daughters pain. We went through something similar and it's not easy to keep quiet when you have the measure of a nasty piece of work and your daughter is suffering! I'm sure you do already but keep bolstering your daughters confidence and self worth. Reiterating that she deserves to be treated better and that you are proud of her. With regard to the nasty phone messages can your daughter do a quick screenshot as soon as something arrives so you have evidence to formally complain about the bullying to the head of year?? Sending hugs.x

So sorry for your poor DD. Some people can be amazingly manipulative and controlling.

Crikey. I would have moved her ages ago

She's controlling others as well- does your DD ever speak with them about it? Does she have other friends. This girl sounds awful and brings back memories of high school horrors

She loves the attention after a fall out I think . The 'you are beautiful, such a loyal friend, you are my rock' This has been going on for 4 years but very subtly in year 7 and has got progressively worse and more intense. She says in year 10 you can't just up and leave a friendship group and join another. This girl knows this so she knows she can be as mean as she likes as DD will always come back if she does leave her for a while!! Some nights she will phone 10 or more times but my DD will always run to answer it straight away, because she is so manipulative towards my DD if my DD doesn't play ball she makes horrible things up about my DD and tells the other girls who are all under her spell and then she is friendless. She runs a mental health group at school and her public speaking is out of this world. When we went for a school tour for my younger DC and she was leading it she was "the best salesperson if you like" for the school. She honestly comes across as such a lovely person but hey behind this nicey nicey exterior is one hell of a mixed up young girl who I think is probably really insecure so she needs to manipulate others to get the love and adoration she needs. Her home life isn't great and she basically brings herself up so she has had no guidance on how to treat people but her mother insisted on good manners from an early age and her mum is always talking about how polite her daughter always is to everyone she meets!!

She sounds like a sociopath or something (cba to google if that’s the one I mean).

No good can come from this ‘friendship’.

OP is there's some info here from Family Lives on what do if your child's school aren't handling it well: www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/advice-on-making-a-complaint-to-your-child-s-school-about-bullying/

There's more info here:
www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/what-to-do-if-the-school-doesn-t-resolve-the-bullying/

You can also contact Family Lives here for advice: 0808 800 2222

I had one as well. Luckily after 2 years I moved to another school so she cut me out of all after school meets.

I look at those two years and shudder at my own behaviour too, where I was too weak to stand up to het and bullied others on her behalf.

I hope I've redeemed myself since then by stepping in when I see someone bullying.

This is all a bit confusing.

Even if the friend deletes the mean messages from her phone to leave no history, surely it's still there on DD's phone? Can you take some screenshops to send to the school?

I'm not a teacher but I can't imagine a teacher would be fooled by her behaviour for four years? Surely someone would notice DD is being poked in the thigh?

Also, if you've seen this happening over 4 years, why haven't you moved dd to a new school and why do you let her in your house?

Dd used to know one like this. Beautiful table manners and so polite. But an absolute bitch. Fortunately for us dd found a new group of friends. This one still torments others though. Have often wondered why they get like this. But your dd's only hope is to find different friends. Get into a sport or hobby to get in with a new group. It's hard but not impossible.

Is there a local college she can transfer to, to finish GCSEs?

What is this girl’s influence outside of school? If your DD moved would she still “get to her” through social media?

It might be a case of just keeping talking to your DD over and over, helping her to see this girl for who she is.

When I was in school a girl left half way through her GCSEs because of bullying. If the head of year had come up to me and my group of friends and asked us to include her, we would have. Talk to the school, there may be more options than you think.

Is her name Regina George?!? I think all you can do is reinforce your daughters sense of self worth and encourage other friendships until she is ready to move on. It sucks but learning how to read people like this piece of work is an unfortunate part of adolescence

oh gosh this sounds like cult leader behaviour!

My DD had a friend like this, well a frenemy, which left her feeling bullied and with low self esteem and very few friends. I wish I’d moved her from the school in Y 7

When I was in school a girl left half way through her GCSEs because of bullying. If the head of year had come up to me and my group of friends and asked us to include her, we would have. Talk to the school, there may be more options than you think.

I agree.
My dd and her friends supported a girl who was bullied but this wasn’t until I knew from the girls dm and told dd.
In her case the school refused to sanction the bullies because they were all A grade students. I knew two sets of the bullying girls parents and to this day these parents don’t know what their girls did. It’s shocking!

@Melitza

When I was in school a girl left half way through her GCSEs because of bullying. If the head of year had come up to me and my group of friends and asked us to include her, we would have. Talk to the school, there may be more options than you think.

I agree.
My dd and her friends supported a girl who was bullied but this wasn’t until I knew from the girls dm and told dd.
In her case the school refused to sanction the bullies because they were all A grade students. I knew two sets of the bullying girls parents and to this day these parents don’t know what their girls did. It’s shocking!

Think that is probably what is going on here, She is a huge asset to the school an A grade student and head girl so they cannot afford to have her embroilled in a bullying scandal. Adults just love her!!!

Helicopter parenting comes into play here op...
If your dd can't /won't pull her up then ime you must...
Be around when she is at your home and pull her up on anything negative she says to your dd...