Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Falling apart, not sure how to cope with this

16 replies

mldwfan · 14/05/2021 23:51

Not AIBU but I need help, I'm not doing great at holding things together.

Full disclosure, my nan is narcassistic/controlling/set to a rigid routine/ she has it harder than everyone else/ always something wrong with her, etc and has always 'babied' my grandad, Hard to explain just treating him like hes 12, example, if they are going out somewhere she will remind him to lock the door, remind him he needs to take his coat, remind him to take his keys (and has done everytime they go out for the last 45 years). He has been henpecked for most of their marriage and went along with her for an easier life. Whatever she wants on the tv is what they will watch, if grandad speaks to their neighbour she wants to know what was said, what were you laughing at? If someone is ill, my nan is more ill, I have a cold, she has the flu. Controlling, set to a rigid routine (Grandad five minutes late home his tea would be in the bin, tea at 3pm everyday, hungry or not) Hard to explain it all.

Almost two months ago my grandad was told he has lung cancer, stage one, now we have found out it has spread to his bones and is stage 4, He has been given months to live at best (he has other illnesses as well) The reason for this thread is I have no idea how to cope with my nan and the way she is treating my grandad, the things she is saying, I'm not sure if it is her way of processing it all but some of the things she has said since finding out grandad is dying:

He is feeling cold a lot and she won't keep the heating on for him, she turns it off as she doesn't like it warm, and complains the gas bill will be high, so he is sitting in his dressing gown cold.

'I'm going to need the pin number to your bank card now'

When she found out he would have nurses coming to help him as he gets worse 'I don't want nurses coming in, I'm still alive, I want to live my life without them in it'

'I still have a life to live you know'

'Why is nobody taking my health seriously, why is it all about him?'

Five minutes after finding out he had months to live ' I don't need all this negativity, you better buck up now'

His dying wish is to go to (not naming as outing but somewhere in the Uk) I got home today and booked it for two weeks from now, I have paid, got him in his favourite hotel he has been going to for years. Nan phoned me to tell me she is not going and neither is he, that I should have got her permission before doing it, he has no clothes to wear for a week away (?) she didn't want to stay in that hotel, also, she has a fucking blood test on one of the days so can't come.

Grandad is now saying he doesn't want to go.

I'm falling apart, I have no idea how to handle all this, selfish of me but I have never lost anyone close to me before, I'm 40, this is hitting me hard, I love my grandad and I can't stop thinking of what is coming next and how he is going to suffer (I have depression so this may be that making me think too much) but I'm not sure how to handle my nan and the things she is saying right in front of him/to his face etc.

She is clashing with my mum who told her to fuck off and give him a break, I also know despite my nans faults she is processing losing her husband of almost 70 years.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, I needed to get this out.

OP posts:

Plumbears · 15/05/2021 00:02

That's tough. I don't know what to suggest but the fact you're showing concern for your grandad will comfort him I'm sure. Would it help perhaps to write some letters to him so he can keep these close and have private dialogue with you while all the rest gets sorted/ re arranged/ discussed?

Zerrin13 · 15/05/2021 00:17

Its wonderful that you are so voncwrned about your Grandad. I'm so sorry he is terminally ill. With regards to your Nan. He has been married to her for a lifetime. He knows exactly what she is like. She is undoubtedly going through many emotions at this time. I think you need to leave them to it.

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 15/05/2021 00:26

I'm so sorry to read this. I don't have much advice on how to handle your Nan, but wanted to share a few suggestions as a I'm a stage 4 cancer patient myself, so have thought about end of life care a lot.
Has your Grandad expressed any wishes about where he would like to die, and is he under the care of a hospice? Regardless of whether he would prefer to die at home, or in a hospice setting, I would strongly recommend getting in touch with his local hospice team, they can offer a wealth of support, and it's not just about caring for him at the very end, they can help with planning days out, complimentary therapies, emotional support for all involved, and some of the practical things that may be overwhelming for your Nan at the moment.
If your Nan would agree to talk to someone from the hospice team, I'm sure there would be so much that they could do to support you all. I appreciate that may be difficult for her.
Sending love ❤️

Original poster

mldwfan · 15/05/2021 00:38

@DoreensEatingHerSoreen

I'm so sorry to read this. I don't have much advice on how to handle your Nan, but wanted to share a few suggestions as a I'm a stage 4 cancer patient myself, so have thought about end of life care a lot. Has your Grandad expressed any wishes about where he would like to die, and is he under the care of a hospice? Regardless of whether he would prefer to die at home, or in a hospice setting, I would strongly recommend getting in touch with his local hospice team, they can offer a wealth of support, and it's not just about caring for him at the very end, they can help with planning days out, complimentary therapies, emotional support for all involved, and some of the practical things that may be overwhelming for your Nan at the moment. If your Nan would agree to talk to someone from the hospice team, I'm sure there would be so much that they could do to support you all. I appreciate that may be difficult for her. Sending love ❤️

All he has said so far is he wants to be cremated, He has not mentioned anything else so far.

The oncologist (?) is calling on monday as they want to start radiotherapy, they have said it won't cure it.

Palative care has been mentioned.

I'm sorry about your own cancer, I wish you well x

OP posts:

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 15/05/2021 00:46

That's good to hear that he will potentially be accessing palliative care. (I mean good in the context of the circumstances of course).
In my experience palliative care teams are truly wonderful, and again, it's not only about end of life care, but about managing his symptoms, keeping him as pain free as possible (which hopefully the radiotherapy will help with) and helping him to live well for as long as he has left.
I'm (hopefully) no where near end of life, but accessing these kind of services and practical help has done the world of good for my mental health, and that of my family.
Wishing you all the best ❤️

Disneyforever1974 · 15/05/2021 01:22

I’m sorry you are going through this and I don’t want to be harsh but you should have discussed booking the holiday with your GPs before you booked it, so they could say if they were free or not. You have issues about the way your GM treats your GD and that’s fine but he made the decision to accept her behaviour and go along with it and you are not going to change that now. I also think some of the things she is saying is coming out of complete panic not only is she having to come to terms with her husband dying she is also coming to terms with not being able to control what is going to happen in her own home and life. I think the best thing to do is just offer love and support to both of them but also some space to grieve in peace. The other thing that might help is maybe offering to pay the extra gas bill and such like so they don’t worry about money.

DaisyDreaming · 15/05/2021 01:30

That sounds like safeguarding issues. Please contact your local social services and talk to them about how your grandad can be protected

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 15/05/2021 01:38

@DaisyDreaming

That sounds like safeguarding issues. Please contact your local social services and talk to them about how your grandad can be protected

My thought too. May not quite reach the threshold for investigation but probably worth flagging - she may take advice better from someone outside the family.

Original poster

mldwfan · 15/05/2021 01:40

Grandad said earlier today he wanted to go, and it would have to be before his treatment started, he wanted to go one last time before he gets too ill etc. so I booked it. Before booking my nan was coming too, as soon as I booked it she called and said neither of them were going.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 15/05/2021 08:18

The whole thing is her way of reacting to a very tragic event in her life..losing her partner of so many years. Try to be in her shoes and have some compassion for her predicament. I'm sure your GD is well used to her by now and maybe her being her usual self is a comfort to him. It's understandable about the holiday as he will have dreamed of going but then realised he wasn't up to it.
Just support both of them. Give financial support from the whole family so they can get what they need. Get a lovely warm cosy blanket for him so he can be warm and your Nan comfortable too.
Maybe spend the holiday money on their bills.

Lostlemuria · 15/05/2021 09:08

If you can read A Place for Everything by Anna Wilson about a woman facing similar issues. It may be helpful for you. Good luck OP.

Newmumatlast · 15/05/2021 09:23

I'm so sorry to read this. A lot of people are saying this is her way of dealing with it all but only you really know your Nan. I have a grandparent like this. Thinks very much about themselves and how everything impacts them to the extent that my parent will not tell them certain news so that they don't get comments or my grandparent upsetting them by making it all about them rather than my parent. Some people are just narcissistic. If you think its that and not just how your nan is coping with this all - that she is just like this as a person - it is really horrible for your granddad and I would look at trying to get social services support as others have said. Your nan can also get support but your granddad is the focus at the moment

Bonheurdupasse · 15/05/2021 18:47

@DaisyDreaming

That sounds like safeguarding issues. Please contact your local social services and talk to them about how your grandad can be protected

This.

Please do this OP.

Can you try to talk to the oncology and palliative care teams about it as well.

Only you know the lie of the land but if she’s a narcissist and has been low key psychologically abusing / controlling him for decades, that’s no reason to let it be even worse as he’s dying.

Smashingorbs · 15/05/2021 19:06

I think it's wonderful that you are so protective of your gf and I am so sorry about his diagnosis.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive but like many controlling bullies, your man sounds very, very anxious to me. That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it does explain it.

I don't think you should be taking all of this on yourself though. I know you want to, for the very best of reasons, but it's not your battle to fight simply because your gf had 70 years to leave the marriage if he felt that that was the right course of action for him and he didn't.

Even though it was a lovely thought, I don't think you should have booked the holiday without consulting everyone involved.

I think your best plan now is to stay on side with them so that you are there and involved when the palliative care professionals are around and maybe you or your mum could tell one of them your concerns. They will have had experience of working with all sorts of different families during very stressful times and they may be able to help.

Notaroadrunner · 15/05/2021 19:12

I'd bring him and leave her behind. She doesn't get to decide if he goes. Talk to him again and tell him you can bring him. She sounds like a fucking nightmare.

CuntyMcBollocks · 15/05/2021 19:21

How awful for you and your grandad. If your grandad won't speak up against your grandmother, then the best you can do is be with him as much as possible, and try to filter out your grandma. She sounds awful tbh. It's not up to her what your grandad wants or needs. I know it will be hard, but you need to do what's best for your grandad

Flip