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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men I never got to know...

20 replies

TheNewOrange · 14/05/2021 22:25

I am married and I know it makes me a terrible person for even posting this...

DH and I live separate lives. We do not share a bed. We had sex 1-2 times in the last year. The only time we spend time together is when we visit the in-laws. He has his life. I have my life. We both earn good money, but we don't really mix our finances. We both pay for things and never argue about money. We have children. We are both great parents and do things independently with the children without each other.

I will sound like a cliche... but there is a type of men that I never got to meet in life. I'm talking of the men who did not attend university and who don't have white collar jobs.

I spent some time with such a man today, really talking to him. He was so open about his dreams and what he wanted to do. He talked of the very hard work he was doing and how he was working towards an ambition of his. He is from a real working class background. And I was able to talk openly to someone about what I was doing, and what I wanted to achieve. He listened.

I am so terribly sad that I don't have this with DH.

I am mad at myself for being terribly cliche and feeling so attracted to another man when I am already married.

Everyone thinks that I have everything and yet I am so miserable.

OP posts:

RosieRedPetal · 14/05/2021 22:31

You're only human. Perhaps use the experience to inspire you into doing something with your DH. The grass is greener where it's watered.

Mummadeze · 14/05/2021 22:33

Am not sure what on earth his background has to do with anything but I don’t blame you for being dissatisfied. You could have a happier life with someone else from the sounds of it.

randomchap · 14/05/2021 22:36

You say that you're married but there doesn't seem to be the romantic, emotional or physical connection between you and your husband.

Maybe an open and honest talk with your husband about your relationship would help. From the info in your OP you sound like housemates with parenting responsibilities rather than a couple.

Original poster

TheNewOrange · 14/05/2021 22:42

DH and I are as you put it... housemates with coparenting responsibilities.

His background may not have anything to do with it... but I’m attracted to a man who is not like any men I got to meet before.

OP posts:

MournfulTromboneNoise · 14/05/2021 22:44

Did you and your husband not have any dreams or plans? Is it perhaps this man's passion for his work that's appealed to you?

That's something you and your husband could work to on together. Like a poster said before me, grass is greener when it's watered.

Hopdathelf · 14/05/2021 23:07

YANBU yo want to broaden your horizons and change your life. YANU to fetishise working class men.

bonfireheart · 14/05/2021 23:10

I don't understand the inclusion of his background- regardless of background he could still end up being a jerk.

I don't understand whether you and DH are together-together or pretending to be for DC?

TrishM80 · 14/05/2021 23:26

Sounds like you're looking for "a bit of rough".

peboh · 14/05/2021 23:30

Going off the information you've given about your marriage, it's understanding that you're curious about other men. His background isn't relevant, and this would have probably happened with any man who gave you attention.
Why are you with your husband? Your relationship isn't a relationship, it's roommates who happen to have children together.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2021 23:33

Are you Lady Chatterley?

Rosewood017 · 14/05/2021 23:37

I think a lot of successful marriages begin with romance and settle into strong companionship. You sound fairly compatible with your husband but maybe you need to make time to get to know each other again.

Sometimes DH & I spend all our conversations talking about logistics for the coming days. Other times we end up having a chat about memories or stories we didn't know about each other and I feel interested in him as a person again.

Something is missing for you right now with your DH so you went straight to the opposite end of the spectrum in search of it. The novelty factor is key here.

Namechangeme1 · 15/05/2021 16:51

Doesn't sound like a relationship to be honest. I think you should consider separation

Cryalot2 · 15/05/2021 17:06

Stupid question but why did you get married?
Have things always been the way they are now?
You both need to communicate and take things from there. Never stay together for the sake of the children .

Original poster

TheNewOrange · 15/05/2021 17:37

I realise how cliché this all seems.

We married because we were in love at one point. We were also a good match for each other, same group of friends, our families loved the idea...

We are both great in our individual lives, jobs etc. We are both fiercely independent. Things just fizzled out. I would say he is a great dad to the kids. He just doesn’t need me really. He doesn’t care about my opinion really.

I don’t think we should stay together. It’s difficult to separate too.

OP posts:

Countrycode · 15/05/2021 17:49

Sounds like you're looking for "a bit of rough

Yup! Been there - caused havoc, wouldn't recommend!

Original poster

TheNewOrange · 15/05/2021 18:46

I feel terribly foolish and terrible lustful too... It is incredibly enticing to have someone so genuinely passionate and working his way from the ground up to get what he wants in life.

OP posts:

LittleBlackSox · 15/05/2021 19:06

Lol this reminds of Titanic - a poor rich girl fancying a third class passenger because he gives her a thrill and not like the other first class business men she meets. Sure your hubs is nicer than Cal though.

You do realise you sound very condescending right?

OP divorce your husband if this is real. Sounds like it would be done on good terms and you both have finances to support yourselves.

Maddox33 · 15/05/2021 19:13

Your husband sounds like a boring twat who doesn't give a shit about you anymore. Separate, no matter how difficult that may be.

It sounds a bit as if you have put this other man on a pedestal - loads of people have worked their way up, from an ordinary background. You need to expand your social circle, go on a few dates with different people, but try not to be too concerned about what 'class' they are.

Original poster

TheNewOrange · 15/05/2021 20:40

I feel terribly sad for myself that after all of this, it turns out that it is all a terrible failure.

I think it will be amicable, I have no idea to be honest.

OP posts:

Maddox33 · 15/05/2021 21:20

Don't tell yourself you are a failure for not having a happy marriage. You can't change things, your husband won't suddenly become attractive to you, not now. This isn't a situation where you can fake it til you make it.

Be brave.

End the marriage then work on yourself for a few months. Find out what you want out of life. Date different people. Make yourself happy. Life is short.

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