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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boss is a bully, WWYD

26 replies

Sittingonarock · 14/05/2021 15:55

My boss is really horrible to me and I don't know what to do as I'm a bit trapped.

For background he's a man, I'm a woman we're both mid 40s. He's the business owner and I'm his gofer. I literally run around for him all the time, trying to second guess his moods and his demands. Some days he's better than others, but most days I get at least one nasty snarky comment or snap. Today I've had loads.

Problem is he pays me well - not brilliant but better than I could probably get if I jump ship. He pays me about £30k a year, I could probably get £25-£28 elsewhere. I have to work as I'm a solo home owner with no kids.

Today he's vile. I only ever call him to ask work queries. He works in a field where I am not qualified in what he does (otherwise I'd be the boss) so I have to ask him questions. I've tried all sorts of ways of doing this, end of day email, text message none of them work except a phonecall. I have to have a prepared list of questions, I have to be as quick as possible, not um or arrh. Write down his answers as quick as he says them, never ask him to repeat. If anyone else (including his mates or gf) call him during the call he hangs up on me.

Then on other days he'll call into my office for a chat about his life, about what he did at the weekend or what his kids are doing to annoy him. Never asks me about mine but wants me to be pseudo counsellor.

I'm beginning to actually really dislike him. This is bizarre because at first I really liked him.

Tell me I'm being a wuss and just to get on with it. I need the job.

OP posts:

parietal · 14/05/2021 16:08

get on with it for now, but also keep a strong lookout for other jobs. and don't assume he will give you a good reference. even if you are perfect, he sounds like he could get the hump if you leave.

is there anyone else in the company or is it just you & him?

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 16:09

YANBU, get another job! Can you tell him you’re busy when he calls you over for a chat?

Graroug · 14/05/2021 16:10

I don’t know what to advise you and I am sure better advice will be here soon so hang in there for a bit but what I like about you is how you casually said if you were qualified, you will be the boss. I know it’s rude but I did laugh at that!

MissConductUS · 14/05/2021 16:10

Start looking for a new job. Life is too short to put up with treatment like this. After taxes, the difference won't be that much, and you may do better elsewhere than you think. Wages are going up, at least in the US, as the economy recovers from covid.

Sorry you're going through this.

covetingthepreciousthings · 14/05/2021 16:10

Is there only you and him in the company?

Honestly, I'd look out for other jobs and leave, working for a horrible boss isn't worth the extra 2-4K in my opinion. I'd rather be happy and on a bit less - this is if you can afford to & it won't put you in a dire situation obviously.

Moondust001 · 14/05/2021 16:13

Yes I am afraid you are stuck if you can't get a job at the same rate elsewhere, unless you are willing to drop in pay - but that doesn't guarantee the next place will be any better. So I think it must be "toughen up" - don't let it get to you, ignore his behaviour, and do the "water off a ducks back". That way you can hang on until you can find a job that is at least as good, or perhaps better - or one that you know will be better even if the money is less.

lightand · 14/05/2021 16:15

Do you think he likes you?
Does he realise he is unresonable in his ways?
How long do you think you can cope with him for?
Is it affecting your mental health?
Is he the type of person that sues others?
What is he like with other people?

As @parietal says, look around for another job to see what is available, but I personally I wouldnt be ditching my job for him, in the currect economic climate, without another one to go to, unless you had to.

CatNamedEaster · 14/05/2021 16:15

I earn 28k working with nice people who make the job a pleasure. If I was offered an extra 2k to work with a prick I wouldn't even consider it.
If I was you I'd look for something else that will make the pay cut worthwhile.

lightand · 14/05/2021 16:16

@MissConductUS

Sorry you're going through this.

Dont think wages are going up in the UK at all.

CatNamedEaster · 14/05/2021 16:29

Also, I've worked for someone horrible and you might be selling yourself short about what you could actually get elsewhere. It can really damage your confidence working for someone like that, so you could end up with a new role that's actually a promotion .

MadMadMadamMim · 14/05/2021 16:30

I'd start looking for a new job. But I'd also start standing up for myself a bit more.

If he's rude I'd look at him in silence with a raised eyebrow and probably say It's unnecessary to speak to me like that. I'm politely asking you for information I need to do my job. I would call him out on it every single time.

He doesn't get to be vile and speak to you like a twat, just because he pays your wages. And quite often men like this respond better if you don't let them walk all over you.

Original poster

Sittingonarock · 14/05/2021 16:49

Thanks everyone. It's just me and him mostly, but he has some guys who do the labouring side of the work and he treats them pretty much the same. I don't think it's personal, he's just a bit of an arse. He treats everyone the same, I pity his gf as I'm almost sure he's the same with her and his kids.

I have been looking elsewhere a little bit just to see what's out there. Not a lot obviously given the dire economic situation we're in. I think I'm going to have to pull up my pants and get on with it. He's not terrible all the time, but when he's horrible he does affect me.

OP posts:

partyatthepalace · 14/05/2021 16:56

Start looking for another job - if you think you can get 28 you might get more. Any training you can do to increase your chances?

In the meantime, this is a good opportunity to practice standing up for yourself. This isn’t your fault, the man sounds a wankstain, but you are talking as if you are trying to make yourself as invisible as possible (I never asked him to repeat anything etc) - you are a person and you are entitled to be treated as such. It’s a whole new thread but I would make a list of his most irritating characteristics and possible ways you can stand up to him more. And then post separately about that for advice if you want.

Pinkylemons · 14/05/2021 17:04

I used to work for a guy like that. I was 18, he was 30. He used to snap, throw things , literally stamp his feet if he didn’t get his own way. I just used to ignore him, like a naughty child. He really was a twat. I looked him up the other day and he’s now a high court judge 🙄

nixonten · 14/05/2021 17:10

Seriously you should consider leaving as soon as conveniently possible.
Eventually it will affect your morale and health.
I used to work in a job where I was the junior, only person in a department without a degree. All sorts of clearing up jobs. Fair enough.
Then a new person joined and more pressure on everyone, so from being the gopher I became the slave for the whole group.
It became too difficult then one day I jacked it in a rush.
I cannot remember what pushed me over the edge but I do remember driving home - A weight was lifted- Freedom!
Plan your escape better than I did, but leave.

normalsaline · 14/05/2021 17:13

i think I'm going to have to pull up my pants and get on with it

what?!

NeverAgain123456 · 14/05/2021 18:30

@normalsaline
I think OP was talking metaphorically.

HeirloomTomato · 14/05/2021 18:36

Leave the job. The boost to your self-esteem that a new job would bring has to be worth the loss of 2k-5k a year. You could probably save that much money in a year anyway if you put yourself on a tight budget. Scrimping and saving would be less stressful than dealing with a w1nker like your current boss every day.

In the meantime while you look for a new job, be more politely assertive with him to let him know you're not a complete doormat. You'll feel better about yourself.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/05/2021 18:36

Leave. There isnt much you can do in all honesty when he is in such a position of power over you. Its not like he is a nice person that when he realises hes upset you then he'll stop.

Leave. Unless you think 100 quid a month is worth being miserable for he majority of the time you're awake

babbi · 14/05/2021 18:40

Get another job ASAP .. it’s really not worth the stress - life is too short.
After tax the difference won’t be that much.
You will thrive somewhere else and never look back ..

Good luck - what you are going through is tough .

Abitofalark · 14/05/2021 18:48

It's a difficult situation to be in, needing a job but having to accept being treated as a doormat or a confidante depending on what mood he's in.

While you are pondering your position and figuring out what's best to do, one thing I'd urge is to take full advantage of the 'extra' pay it yields to pay off a bit on the mortgage and / or to build up a reserve for when you might decide to jump ship and take a slightly lower paid job. Whether it's worth the daily mental strain of catering to a bully's whims is another matter.

Merryoldgoat · 14/05/2021 19:09

Have you told him?

I couldn’t hold my tongue.

koalaroobear · 14/05/2021 20:06

I had a boss like this and it laid the foundations for chronic depression. I left with no job to go into and was out of work for 3 months. After a rough patch in my current place of employment I was signed off sick by my doctor for another 3 months. Long story short, my first boss damaged me beyond repair (I'm doing better now, 2 years on).

Tribblers · 14/05/2021 20:19

Leave asap when you find another job, life's too short for that crap. You may have to take a pay dip for a while, but I bet you end up earning more within a couple of years (I did in a similar situation, I wish I had left far earlier than I did).

InTheFamilyTree · 14/05/2021 20:34

YABU for thinking you should put up with his BS. It will mess with your head and possibly affect your mental health. Get a new job, even if you're earning a couple of grand less, you are worth it.

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