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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and weight comments

46 replies

Stuckinarutneedhelp · 13/05/2021 10:41

When dd was a baby I had several comments one from fil how I had " let myself go " and mil offering me her sliming world shakes because I like to diet ( if I liked dieting I wouldn't be overweight ) they talk a lot about people who have put weight on and openly too ( not in a nice way ) everytime mil shows me a pic or talks about partners brothers wife she says she's so tiny it's made me feel quite shit to be honest she's said it a few times and almost like she's lost her baby weight why haven't you! I'm 3 stone over weight and I look pretty big but I'm doing something about it now just comments like that get to me not sure if I'm being unreasonable?!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 14/05/2021 11:39

@Stuckinarutneedhelp

Thankyou so much for the replies! Dp seems to think she wouldn't have said it nasty and said she doesn't think I'm fat !! Why would you want sliming shakes if your not fat lol I think I'll use some of the suggestions on here thing is she says it so " innocently " that I'll probably look like a bloody weirdo Saying something back x

So your partner is telling you what she meant? Gaslighting you and implying you are sensitive?

You don't need him to tell you how you feel.

She is very rude to comment on your weight and only ignorant people do it.

She has little regard for your feelings and needs firmly putting in her place.

TurquoiseLemur · 14/05/2021 11:56

Men who talk about women "letting themselves go" are never oil-paintings themselves, I find.

Your PIL are undermining you. Tactless, deliberately nasty, who knows? Whatever, their comments are completely unacceptable.

Cactuslockdown · 14/05/2021 12:02

“Like I say to the children; if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” that should shut her up

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 12:05

Definitely tell MIL with DH in the room that she is being very rude and upsetting you. That will shut her up.

And then when you lose weight in your time, she won’t be able to take the credit it for it.

And give her back her bloody slim fast shakes or post them through post box.

Original poster

Stuckinarutneedhelp · 16/05/2021 14:00

Thankyou for your replies, there really is no point in saying anything to her as she will turn it around on me being sensitive and horrible to her, will only cause rift between me and partner, shut up and suck it up is the only option I have really xx

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2021 14:09

Stop being so defeatist, OP! You do not have to suck it up. You tell your partner you find her comments way too personal and offensive. If he won’t then speak to her, you have a DP issue. To her, I would say ‘It’s none of your business, stop talking about it’ and bloody well mean it.

OccaChocca · 16/05/2021 14:18

@Stuckinarutneedhelp

So if she started calling you a fat pig that would be okay, would it?

I'm amazed at the amount of crap people will put up with on Mumsnet.

Please don't be a doormat to keep the peace.

Sillysandy · 16/05/2021 14:27

You do NOT have to suck it up. This is not on. My own father did this to me, I told him he had no right to insult me and owed me an apology, he told me to leave. I did and it caused a rift. We made up before he died a year later.

This probably sounds dramatic but i don't regret it. People like these are using weight gain as an opportunity to put you down and humiliate you.

Don't insult her back (that's petty and mean spirited). Tell her politely but firmly that you are not interested in her opinion on your weight or appearance for that matter.

You do not need to justify this by explaining that your weight gain is getting you down or anything like that. It is nobody's business but yours. As for your FIL, if you hear any comments like you mentioned above simply respond "wow. How extraordinarily rude."

CokeDrinker · 16/05/2021 14:57

I'd drop comments to her about how your DP "doesn't like shagging a skeleton" ('fucking a bag of bones' is the saying where I am, but 'shagging a skeleton' might be more politer and something you might be more more comfortable with) and casually faux concern/suggest to her that she (if MIL is thin)/her other DIL may have anorexia. Tell her you can give her links to help groups if she likes, in an innocent faux-concern way. That'll shut her up or puzzle her for a bit.

User1357 · 16/05/2021 15:06

My mum openly told me that I look very fat and I was so pretty a couple of years ago!

To be fair to her she is correct and it did get me to shift my arse in gear but I’m not particularly sensitive about my weight. I don’t think of myself as a fat person just a person that has fat on them. I would have perhaps felt a little more sensitive if it was PIL however. But, it really doe t matter what other people to say to you, you are not here to please them, only yourself. If you feel confident in yourself then great, if not, a few healthy changes and you’ll be feeling better in no time.

iamaMused · 16/05/2021 15:09

Op, my husband is a fantastic man, hard worker, excellent father, He's everything you would want in a husband BUT, he has never once stuck up for me if anyone says anything rude to me and trust me I have had many sly digs aimed towards me over the years, I'm not pretending that I'm perfect but I'm a massive people pleaser and quite frankly I haven't deserved half of what's been said, after 22 years I can't forgive him he always said that he didn't want to cause trouble where as I feel if he had spoken about the barbs right at the beginning they would know that we weren't prepared for this to continue. The way I see it is his cowardice showed them that he agreed with everything they said. Your MiL is wrong, not you and if your husband isn't prepared to tell her then you have to decide where you should direct your loyalty as he's showing where his is.

maskface212 · 16/05/2021 15:17

How about using the tactic my niece did when she was in nursery:

That's rude and unkind, please stop.

Then say 'arseholes' under your breath and walk out of the room.

Grilledaubergines · 16/05/2021 15:18

Awful thing to say to you, OP.

I’d go for a bit of shock value if she says anything to you again on the subject. Such as “yeah but when your son takes me from behind, he prefers a solid grip on me.” . Not “ladylike”. It’s crass and tasteless, a little like her comments to you. But needs must.

lockdownalli · 16/05/2021 15:33

You have a DH problem if you think he would condone his mother being such a bitch to you.

I agree that if she does it again you need to be really firm "I don't make comments about your wrinkles and thinning hair (or whatever) MIL so do not comment on my weight. It is not up for discussion."

If she gets upset, so what? At the moment she is upsetting you. Your DH needs to be more worried about upsetting you than upsetting her.

ElfridaEtAl · 16/05/2021 15:43

“I know MIL & FIL, isn’t it funny! I didn’t used to be fat but I am now, just like you 2 didn’t used to be nasty c*nts but you are now!”

Add in a classic MN head tilt and giggle at your leisure.
I despise the C word but strongly feel it’s deserved in this case. People that LIVE to make others feel shit about themselves are just horrible. It’s up to you if you want to change your body. I really hope you’re okay OP, comments like your PILs can stick for such a long time

ElsieMc · 16/05/2021 15:51

My MIL did this to me for a long time. She endlessly compared me to her dd's beautiful friend, who was the most beautiful bride she had ever seen (I had just got married to her son so thanks). I told myself I was being too sensitive but it just got worse and worse. My dh did very little until it got out of control. Sadly by this time I had decided I never wanted to see her and her toxic dd ever again and it was all too late.

Don't let it get to this op. How dare she comment on your looks and weight. I bet she is no oil painting. I would go as low contact as possible for your own peace of mind.

pointythings · 16/05/2021 15:54

You need to be calm but assertive in that situation - not easy, but you can't let them get away with it. My dad commented on my jelly belly when he and my mum came to see their new grandchild - this was 10 days post partum and I was actually in my pre-preg jeans. I told him very calmly that it took time to lose baby weight, that it had only been 10 days and that if he mentioned my weight or shape again, he would not be welcome. My mum (amazingly) backed me and told him he was being a tactless old git. He never mentioned it again.

Original poster

Stuckinarutneedhelp · 16/05/2021 17:17

Thankyou for your replies she straight away said " oh I'm not offering them to you because I think your fat " then partner said after she'd gone that she wouldn't have meant I'm fat ! Thing is I am I'm 3 and 1/2 stone over weight! Xx

OP posts:

Sillysandy · 16/05/2021 21:33

Ok so it seems you feel fat, you are sensitive about it, she has talked a lot about someone else being slim and offered you slimming shakes which you interpreted (fairly) as her inadvertently calling you fat.

Look you need to take control.

When she mentions your SIL "I really don't want to talk about weight."

When she offers you diet aids "I am hoping you don't mean to be offensive here. Please don't offer me diet help."

When FIL makes nasty remarks about letting yourself go "you are incredibly rude and should apologize."

SmileyClare · 16/05/2021 21:45

Were you offered the slimming drinks some time ago? You say that this happened "when dd was a baby"? I mean is it too late to address that particular conversation now and let it go?

I think I'd be far more offended by your father-in-law's comments about letting yourself go . I'm not sure why your anger is mainly directed at mil.

It might be that you're hypersensitive and take any comment as a personal slight, it could be that your pils are purposefully insulting you.

I like the suggestion above, have a couple of assertive phrases to use "I find that rude" "please can we not discuss weight, I'm very sensitive about it and finding it hard" if it comes up again.

You describe yourself in such a derogatory way on here which is sad to read. You are a valuable person and mother with the same personality, same great skills and abilities, just as loveable and deserving to be here whatever your size.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/05/2021 21:55

@Stuckinarutneedhelp

So the question is, if they weren't offering this opinion because they think you are fat, why were they? Because they think you're not fat??

I'd go down a different path and ask them to keep explaining why they are making comments like this.
MiL - "Oh, I've noticed that you've not regained your pre-baby figure, you're really letting yourself go"
You - What do you mean by that? (repeat until she ties herself in knots)
MiL - Eh.....
You - I don't understand what you mean by your comment. I don't know if you've heard the expression "If you've nothing nice to say, best say nothing at all"....I think that's good advice here don't you?

Repeat the above with FiL if he passes comment.

I do think though that if your mum or dad commented about something that your DP might be sensitive about, he'd be doing his nut on telling you to tell them to stop it (or he'd tell them himself) so your DP should step up for you.

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