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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should have changed his plans for his daughter?

48 replies

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 07:58

So long story short, ex and I have DD together, we live 2-3 hours apart, with family around 1 hour away, so I am a single parent to DD 99% of the time with not much help etc.

DD has autism and requires constant supervision and a high level of care, I also have my own health issues including mobility issues and mental health issues.

This week has been very hard, my mental health has taken a massive dip and on top of that I have physically been unwell too. My grandmother came to stay with us for one night, but couldn’t really stay any longer than that, my mum and sisters all work full time.

DD is 5 and because of her autism, really struggles to travel far and it is very stressful for her, so her dad comes to where we live to see her once a week/fortnight, plus there is no where for DD to go where her dad lives and he doesn’t have proper living arrangements to accommodate her anyway.

He was meant to be seeing DD this Saturday, and I asked him if I arranged somewhere for them to stay locally would he be able to have DD overnight and bring her back Sunday morning/midday so that I could have a bit of a break (he knows I have been really struggling). He said that they were having a family gathering on Sunday (it was his sisters birthday last week) and he had to get up early to pick up food and decorations so wouldn’t be able to do this.

My point was that it’s not like it was a booked appointment at a restaurant or anything else, that there was 2-3 other family members that could have done that for him instead, that he hasn’t had DD overnight since we split 3 years ago and I thought he would jump at the chance to do this, and also that when you’re a parent and you need to care for your child your plans sometimes do have to change, that your child comes first and your plans come afterwards. I didn’t in anyway suggest that he doesn’t go, I was just suggesting that he goes 1-2 hours later so he could drop DD back, because it’s likely to be an all day gathering anyway so it’s not like he is going to miss much.

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable and he shouldn’t have to change any of his plans to help me (even though he only actually cares for DD a matter of hours per month compared to me 24/7).

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Thebookswereherfriends · 13/05/2021 08:03

As the gathering is on the Sunday I think he is unreasonable, as you say, he could drop her off by 8 and be home in plenty of time. Unfortunately, you can’t force anyone to be a good parent or kind. Hope you feel better soon.

OlympicProcrastinator · 13/05/2021 08:05

He is. He is a shit dad. If he was a mother he’d be slated for that pathetic contribution to his child’s upbringing. He shouldn’t look at it as ‘helping you out’ he should be parenting his child more because her mother is struggling and his DD needs more support. YANBU I hope things get better for you.

Bigtruth · 13/05/2021 08:05

You are both being unreasonable.

This is a man that's not had his daughter to stay over in three years, for whatever reasons. To expect that to change to suit you at short notice is unreasonable.

But he's also unreasonable in the level of care he provides, not that it's always as easy as just doing it, especially if you're DD struggles with travel etc.

Unfortunately, if people are unable to work on their relationship and stay together to care for their children, there's a good chance issues like this will arise.

Original poster

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 08:08

I have offered many times that when he wants DD overnight to let me know and we can sort out a suitable arrangement (somewhere to stay and not too much travelling for DD) however he has never taken me up on the offer or ever mentioned anything about it, so the offer has been on the table for a while.

Our relationship was very hostile so it’s for the best that we are not together, however I don’t think that should impact on the level of care that he provides for his child x

OP posts:

Curiosity101 · 13/05/2021 08:09

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

He's missing out on time with his daughter and one day that'll come back to bite him. In the mean time unless you have some sort of specified contact order you can't really 'make' him do anything. And I feel his attitude to parenting may be one of the reason's he's now your ex? He doesn't need to do you any favours, and tbh how much extra time would he be spending with his DD if he had her overnight? Presumably she'll be in bed pretty early anyway? So it really is a 'favour' to you in this case more than him spending more time with DD?

It wasn't unreasonable for you to ask though, or to hope that he might be willing to step up a little bit more. You definitely sound like you need a break. Is there any possibility of looking into some sort of hired help? Baby sitter, day care one day a week? Or any organisations or groups in your area to help give parents a bit of respite?

UhtredRagnarson · 13/05/2021 08:11

Any decent person would alter their plans for a few hours to care for their child and give their child’s parent a break. A call to his family saying “X is struggling with Dd so I’m going to stay over and take some of the strain tonight, I’ll be a few hours later tomorrow.” His family would totally support that. But you’re clearly not dealing with a decent person. Sorry OP.

Bimblingaway · 13/05/2021 08:11

YABU

ShinyGreenElephant · 13/05/2021 08:13

He's a shit, useless dad. I hope things get better for you soon

araiwa · 13/05/2021 08:14

Could he come down Friday instead and do Friday overnight?

He's not unreasonable to say he can't do an overnight with two days notice when he has plans already. Ask him when he could do it. Yabu to say it's for his daughter- it's to help you

Serin · 13/05/2021 08:16

I'm sorry you are going through this OP and please ignore the above comment re people being unable to work on their relationship Good God, its not the 1950s and people do not have to stay in unhappy partnerships.
He is being an unreasonable arse. He should do everything he can to support you as the Mother to his child. Have you told him you are struggling and need a break or is it likely he will think you are going out with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that, but if sounds like he might be the petty type).
Would he agree to later in the week or the following weekend? Or a more regular arrangement?
Your DD clearly comes first to you and she should be number 1 in his priority list.

Original poster

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 08:18

He works Friday evenings so I don’t think he would be able to do this, and I don’t think 3 days notice (I spoke to him about this yesterday) is unreasonable when as a mother I have had to cancel my plans on the very same day for my DD, so why should it be any different for a dad? And yes it’s to help me out - which parenting DD more when her mother is literally on the verge of a breakdown and he doesn’t do much anyway - shouldn’t even be classed as help - it’s called being a parent. But it’s also for them both, because I know that having her overnight would mean a lot to him (or so he claims but acts the complete opposite) x

OP posts:

Lalliella · 13/05/2021 08:20

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to expect him to change his plans at such short notice when it’s actually for you not for DD.

But going forward he need to step up more and play more of a part in DD’s life. Admittedly the last year it would have been difficult due to Covid but now things are easing he needs to be more involved.

Like PP said, could he not come down Friday?

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 08:20

He is unreasonable to have never had her overnight since you've split but you are unreasonable to expect this to happen at short notice. He sounds reluctant, maybe nervous, to have her overnight by himself so maybe it needs to be planned further advance. You shouldn't have to hold his hand but it sounds like if you want him to ever have overnights you might need to a bit.

Lalliella · 13/05/2021 08:21

Oops sorry X post

Lalliella · 13/05/2021 08:24

Unfortunately, if people are unable to work on their relationship and stay together to care for their children, there's a good chance issues like this will arise.

What a horrible judgemental thing to say. Hope you’re never for example the victim of DV @Bigtruth

Lavender201 · 13/05/2021 08:24

He is a truly shit dad. Maybe you could suggest he looks after HIS daughter with high care needs full time, and you have her once a fortnight but not overnight!? Or suggest 50/50? Just kidding, we know what the answer would be.

From what he’s doing at the moment, he barely even qualifies as a parent. Does she have any kind of bond with him, seeing him so little? I doubt it. OP I hope he is at least paying you a decent amount in child maintenance for raising his child who he can’t be bothered to parent

I wonder what his family think of him, knowing he sees his daughter so little. Why can’t he bring her to the family gathering?? Is your daughter not family? His sister is her aunt. They all sound rubbish.

Lavender201 · 13/05/2021 08:27

@Lalliella

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to expect him to change his plans at such short notice when it’s actually for you not for DD.

Like PP said, could he not come down Friday?

I completely disagree that she is asking him to change plans for herself, and not for DD.

As a full-time carer of an autistic child, with health issues herself, OP is clearly at the edge of her limit. A break will be for the benefit of their daughter. Their daughter needs a parent who is not at the edge of a breakdown.

Original poster

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 08:29

Thank you! I know, it’s very easy for people to say “work on your relationship” but in this case unfortunately there was domestic violence many years ago (things have settled down a lot more since we have separated, live apart and have moved on with our lives) however I still suffer the mental scars of what happened and it’s a real trigger to co-parent with him on a daily basis, but I do it for my DD, because I never want our past to affect her or her relationship with her dad. I have spoken to her dad and told him how much I’m struggling (I literally had a breakdown the last time he was here due to anxiety and I’ve been looking at inpatient treatments because of how bad things have got, but the only thing stopping me is knowing he isn’t reliable enough to care for DD for what could be weeks and weeks) x

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 08:34

If he was that horrible in the relationship then I wouldn't expect him to get better out of the relationship unfortunately. Sorry you are having to do this on your own

TheWeekendMum · 13/05/2021 08:36

@Mumtoone3

3 days notice is too little even my child arrangements order says we have to give 10 days notice of change of plans.

Aprilx · 13/05/2021 08:37

I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask him to do this, but I think you are unrealistic based on his track record.

Original poster

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 08:38

If a parent can’t change their plans by a couple of hours with 3 days notice, that’s pretty crappy in my opinion, especially when it’s just going to a family members house x

OP posts:

Mumtoone3 · 13/05/2021 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/05/2021 08:47

In the last 48 hours I have had to change my plans, call in family help and let work down TWICE, in the space of a few minutes notice, for two separate incidents with my children. (I'm a single parent). To say that a parent can't possibly be expected to change their plans, especially, social, not exactly crucial plans, is completely ridiculous but sadly typical of NRPs who get used to their kids (and their exes) facilitating their lives and fitting in around them.
OP it goes without saying that you are not unreasonable to want this and he is an utterly pathetic excuse for a parent or human being frankly - but even a court order stating contact can't actually compel an NRP to show up - it just lays out their options which they can choose to exercise or not. My advice is to do whatever you can to gain respite that does not include him - family, agencies, groups etc.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2021 08:48

he hasn’t had DD overnight since we split 3 years ago and you think having her overnight would mean a lot to him? A lot of inconvenience and nothing else! He’s a terrible dad, and he barely considers her as family. I’m sorry op, that’s the truth of it. I’m sorry it makes your life so much harder but please stop seeing his shit parenting through such rose coloured glasses.

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