AIBU to think I can’t lose weight when I’m this knackered

[Isabeller]

Moan, moan, moan.

I am knackered because DS has sleep problems (since birth, related to additional needs). The last few nights have been particularly awful. This happens periodically, it will probably be back to bloody difficult in a few days.

I’m a crap parent compared to how I’d like to be or how I’ve been at my best. Given our whole situation I’m not a completely crap parent and in some ways quite reasonable. DS has quite complex needs. If you’re dealing with anything even slightly similar please accept a wry grin and a virtual fist bump.

My health has taken a nose dive in the last year. One consequence of no school was never getting the chance for catch up sleep. I’m carrying several stone more than is healthy. I feel as if getting any help with my physical well-being would be quite tricky. If I could lose weight I’m sure I’d feel better.

I have a bunch of health niggles but I’ve gone out of orbit for getting healthcare (because covid and consequences). I’m not depressed but right now this minute having been repeatedly bashed and screamed at over the last few hours I am not feeling at all positive about my chance of getting fitter, thinner and dealing with all my niggly symptoms. My back hurts where I’ve been kicked and hit repeatedly (by DS in his sleep - violent night terrors) not actually injured, just sore. I’m knackered but been woken so many times I’m now awake if you know what I mean.

I should probably ring the lovely Samaritans who are always so kind if I get to the end of my tether.

I have a lot to be grateful for but right now I’m feeling very sweary. IABU and fed up. Apologies and all that and thanks for listening.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Try and eat well for your own health but don't diet/cut calories for now. Go for more vegetables, less sugar, more water. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot and just keeping head above water and, frankly, you have more important things to care about than beating yourself up for putting on weight during a pandemic while dealing with a child with complex needs. One step at a time.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not a crap parent, it's just tough right now. Be kind to yourself

Thank you, sometimes it’s good to vent.

🤜🏻 I was up before 04:00 with my son, I'm knackered and when sleeps at it's least, sugar is what I turn to, even though I know that's a roller coaster in itself. I should plan healthy snacks, prepare more, rest when he's at school but my heads so fuzzy some days I do everything slowly and small jobs take so long. I've not felt like myself for a while now, but luckily I know it's a phase and hopefully wake-ups will be nearer 5 soon.

Please be kind to yourself, make good choices food wise when you can, but just do what you can to get you through for now. Is there any help you can get in real life?

YANBU people seem to be talking more and more about the importance of sleep. Are you familiar with Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s podcasts and books? I think he’s great, and I recommend his latest book, Feel Great, Lose Weight.

Hey @Isabeller if you just need to vent, then ignore the below, and do so loudly and as often as you need. It’s tough.

If you are at the stage where venting it isn’t cutting it anymore, or deep down venting wasn’t what you wanted, I felt like this, right down to the bone-shatteringly tiredness that meant doing anything felt too much. I knew that nothing would change if I didn’t do it though, so I decided to do 1 thing or 1% a day, and I hoped in 100 days, I’d be a fair way along.

The first day all I did was call the dentist and book an appointment for a niggling tooth I had put off for too long. The day after, optometrist booking, the day after dr booking. These were tiny things, but they made me feel like I was on the way up, even if the steps were small.

Next was drinking 8 glasses/2L water a day, going to sleep at a set time each night, then ditto waking up. Next it was time to attend the medical appointments I had booked. Then booking a hair Appt, then getting out for a walk for 10 mins a day. Making time to wash my face and moisturise before bed, etc etc. Eating more fruit, no chocolate after dinner, then eating better all slipped in next, along with more vigorous exercise.

I realised how much self neglect I had been showing myself, quite irrespective of the extra kilos I had put on. And whilst making appointments etc felt like a bit like doing easy things first, they got me motivated and feeling better and more energetic to do others.

My life is still chaotic and busy, but I have a better sense of the things I must do for me now, and the non-negotiables to make sure I don’t neglect myself. I try and remind myself I am no good to anyone else if I am not at my best, as my tendency is usually to sacrifice my needs for others.

I have zero advice but can offer a fist bump. My eldest has always had niggly health issues and they have majorly impacted my wellbeing.

I'm carrying an extra 30lbs and really feeling it. Am permanently exhausted but exhaustion leads me to reaching for carbs.

You're not a crap parent. You're doing your best, and that's all you can do. I would suggest small changes because you can't do it all at once. It's so hard when you're tired. You just eat the sugar to keep your energy levels up. Try to not buy the junk, then it's not there. Fill the fruit bowl.
Am sorry if this isn't the best advice; it's a long time since mine was little. I do remember feeling like you, though; it will get better.

@lurkingattheback

🤜🏻 I was up before 04:00 with my son, I'm knackered and when sleeps at it's least, sugar is what I turn to, even though I know that's a roller coaster in itself. I should plan healthy snacks, prepare more, rest when he's at school but my heads so fuzzy some days I do everything slowly and small jobs take so long. I've not felt like myself for a while now, but luckily I know it's a phase and hopefully wake-ups will be nearer 5 soon.

Please be kind to yourself, make good choices food wise when you can, but just do what you can to get you through for now. Is there any help you can get in real life?

You describe it perfectly. I’m often so slow and fuzzy headed.

I do have hope. School is currently very part time, it’s not really practical to go home but today I think I’ll try and find somewhere to park where I can discreetly have a sleep!

That’s really encouraging FollowYouOwnNorthStar one thing a day is a good aim.

I hear you OP, you are not alone and most definitely not a bad parent. In a similar situation here with a 6 yo with ASD who is unable to attend school so she's with me 24-7, it's exhausting.

Like others have suggested maybe just change a few small things at a time. DH bought me the book mentioned earlier and it's really lovely and not focused on extreme dieting but rathet eating well for your mental and physical health as well as looking after yourself. I've tried and failed to loose the extra weight but I wonder if stressed bodies hold onto the weight even more. Instead I try to eat as well as I can on good days with lots of vegetables, healthy fats and good proteins. On bad days I make less good choices but that is ok for now. Beating myself up about it does nothing good for my mental health and I have to just accept that under current circumstances this is alI I can do.

Being sleep deprived is the worst feeling in the world. When my second didnt sleep well for the first few YEARS! I ate so many biscuits as the sugar helped me to stay awake! I piled on a few stone too. Try fasting and an excerise dvd when his sleep improves. It will come off, when you're ready to do it.

Hugs to you LittleSwede I absolutely sympathise. DS has diagnosed ADHD and is very likely somewhere on the Autism spectrum (assessment on hold). He has only just started at a new school 4 short mornings so I too had 24/7 for over a year. So glad you have some support from your DH.

Beautiful3 it’s been 7 years so far

Echoing other people to say that you are doing your best in what sounds like a really tough situation! Try not to beat yourself up.

What's your diet like at the moment OP?

I wonder if there are some very, very tiny changes you could make?

Sometimes people get frustrated with weight loss because they try to do it all at once, fail and then give up. You don't have to do it all at once. It can be extremely gradual and slow and that's fine - better actually because it becomes more of a lifestyle thing.

You might find that if you can substitute one single snack for something healthier/ lower calorie, or add one single portion of vegetables to a meal, you will feel better. Even just psychologically you'll feel like you're taking a positive action and it will be something very small and achievable.

Don't expect more of yourself than that at first. Literally just do one thing and see. And if you can't do it, don't beat yourself up - it's a bloody hard time right now and compounded for you with looking after your son. Go easy :)

can you afford to put some lovely but healthy treats in the fridge - pre-prepped fruit for instance, pineapple, mango, melon, pomegranate seeds etc? They are £££ but I find it really helps me to stay away from biscuits or whatever if the alternatives are a bit more interesting than an apple or banana.

🤛 for you. I can completely empathise. We adopted our son in 2019 and he has a range of additional needs. Life is manic and during the day I'm either working, looking after him or doing the nursery run. By the time he gets to bed, I am too exhausted to do anything. During the pandemic, I felt like takeaways and nice food was the only pleasure we had, and I was already overweight so am now 17 stone and miserable about myself. I am now starting to develop health problems too which I'm sure are linked to my weight, but I just have no energy or motivation to do anything about it. It's bloody hard OP. You are doing the best you can ❤️