To be fed up of ex being so difficult

[whatwouldjudydo]

Me and ex split 3 years ago - he cheated and is still with her and I have now moved on and have been with someone else for a year now. Best outcome for both of us I would say after the initial tough end to the relationship!

Anyway it's been 3 years now, ex is still so difficult to deal with, last minute changes to pick up times, he blocks me on and off so he is uncontactable and I have to go through his mum or he arranges contact through our 11 year old son which I refuse to reply through. Recently text to arrange drop off that same day to be told he was away and would be missing the next week of contact with the kids - no warning. Try's to drop back early when he can.

He doesn't pay anything towards the kids and pleads poverty, despite 4 holidays a year, a brand new high end car and various home improvements to gf house. I have taken to csa and it's now got to the point of being taken from his wage but it's a ridiculous sum and his annual maintenance is less than my partner pays for his a month for the same number of children.

I just feel so fed up of the constant changes, I have been offered a private contract work but I can't go to him for help with childcare and am finding myself having to speak to friends and family as backup for the days he's due to have them anyway as he's too flaky and unreliable. I find it very frustrating and just don't understand why he wouldn't do these basic things for the kids like stick to a contact routine and pay towards them. I don't even mind him changing days etc, I've told him this several times, flexibility is fine as there would be times I want to go away too however dropping it on me the same day/ night before is not on.

I am considering mediation but I know he will refuse because he will say he can't afford and won't want to talk with me. How can I improve this?

Do you have legal arrangements with regards to contact and the paying of maintenance (cms)?

The csa are taking directly from his wage then I cant see how your going to get any money.

It doesn’t really matters what your partner pays it goes on a persons income. My ex pays £7 per week for 4 children, others get hundreds, because it’s down to how much they earn not how many children you have

I don't think legally the nrp has any obligation to take up contact /visiting rights, which is just so so frustrating.

If you have a legal agreement i would get it in writing that contact is from x time to x time and that 1hr after the agreed time he has forfeited his right to contact.

The only ray of hope is that as your dc gets older, this will be less of a pain because you will be able to leave him alone.

My 2 are 14 and 16 so if their dad changes the time or has oh so important work meetings and wants to reschedule, they can stay at home on their own.

I also rely on friends and family rather than exh which seems ridiculous when he lives 10 mins away and is fighting to get 50/50 custody.. But he would never have them to help me out or outside his visiting hours/days.

No legal enforcements in regards to contact just a verbal arrangement that has changed a couple of times to suit him and I have compromised on. I'm not asking him to have them more, I don't even mind if he changes the times due to work etc stuff does come up. It's more the fact he doesn't let me know till the same day or very last minute. For example the day I messaged in the morning asking what time to drop them and he replied saying he wasn't because he was away I had dinner booked with a friend I had to them cancel. Luckily there was no charge. I just find it frustrating as he has then overnight 1 or two nights a week so any socialising/ activities I book for these days. I have tried explaining this to him, partly think maybe this is why he does it but would like to think he wouldn't be that pathetic.

Obv paying is legal now as it's gone through his job, however this is a part time job he declares. The job he is away with etc isn't taken into account. His lifestyle doesn't match the £200 a week he is claiming to earn! He claims to work less hours than me!

Then you provide CMS with the other employer he works for details

Could you say 'no contact, take me to court' knowing that he would and then you get a contact schedule in place ? Is he likely to be easily manipulated this way

(Don't schedule activities on his time)

I don't know the details... and I'm guessing it's cash in hand/ self employed otherwise it would come up through hmrc for them to see? I don't know how I could prove it?

I think if I took him to court he would kick off massively and I couldn't stop the kids from seeing him, he would def be telling the kids that too.

Surely all you have to do is make the dc available for contact? Email him the date and time, if he doesn't turn up, ensure you have a plan B in place. Dont chase him. Keep a diary.
Inform the CMS that he has another job, cash in hand, undeclared earnings, ask them to investigate. Report him to HMRC for non payment of tax. They can investigate.
There is another thread running on this very subject atm.

Cms won’t do anything they will tell YOU to report him to hmrc that’s what they told me.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/4189084-cms-fraud-investigation-team?msgid=107257265

How do the DC react when he cancels at the last minute? If it upsets/unsettles them I'd tell him. Tell him the unreliability is bad for the children and you want a solid contact schedule in place. if he keeps doing it I'd stop access and tell him to take it to court.