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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and her wishes for when she dies

33 replies

ScotlandUnited · 12/05/2021 16:01

Will try not to make this too long!
My parents are almost 50 years married, been together 55 years, since teenagers. DF went to university several times, very educated, worked his way up to become a director, won awards, travelled internationally for work etc. DM left school with no qualifications, worked in shops and as a cleaner and also a SAHM. Both parents are great parents.
As they got older, however, this difference in their education and employment experiences caused strains between them. DF's travel caused resentment with DM who was stuck at home. She did have the option to travel with him, but when she did, she was bored, as she did not understand the subject or feel that she fit in. Not really DFs fault. What was DFs fault however, is that he fell in with the after work / lunch time drinking mindset and over the years developed quite a bit of a drink problem that has continued since he retired. He still socialises with old colleages and rarely with my DM. My DM feels like he is a lodger and they have nothing in common anymore. She also struggles with his verbal aggression when he has had too much to drink.
I have basically been my mum's counsellor for years now. have had to listen to her say how much she 'hates' him and wishes he was dead. She shouts at me and dad if we discuss things like politics because its boring. So as I said some things are his fault, some things are not. My DF tends to keep his feelings to himself although they argue a lot, so loudly the neighbours hear and complain.
Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents. There are mostly good times but the bad can be bad. My DSis lives abroad and we don't get on. She's closer to my DF than to DM and I'm closer to DM (don't have much of an option as she treats me like her counsellor!)
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because DM is asking me to promise that when she dies, I've to bury her alongside DGF and DGM and not with DF. She says she "doesn't care" what I do with DF when he dies whether he's buried or cremated or "dumped in a skip". Lovely huh? She keeps insisting that I respect her wishes and that she's serious.
So I am torn! I don't want to visit two graves for my parents but I also want to respect my DMs wishes too. I feel manipulated and that my mum is not thinking about me and how he's my dad. I don't get on with my DSis but I reckon she'd tell me to respect DMs wishes even though she was always closer to DF. I don't think my DF knows what DM is asking me and he'd be angry and upset.
DM does keep talking about divorce but its never happened and never will. I'm so tired of it all and it distresses me.
I know DM has a will. I don't know if the will states her burial wishes. If so, can I ignore her burial wishes if its in the will?
WIBU to completely ignore DMs wishes and bury her with DF? or do I have to respect her wishes?

OP posts:
Feather12 · 12/05/2021 16:09

Has she bought a plot next to her parents? She can organise and pay for her own funeral now, it is the kindest thing to do anyway. Does it really matter if they are not buried together? Your memories are where they will be.

Hont1986 · 12/05/2021 16:17

You don't have to respect her wishes. Graves are for the living, the occupants don't care. Tell her what she wants to hear now, and when the time comes, do what makes you feel best.

Hont1986 · 12/05/2021 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hont1986 · 12/05/2021 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1starwars2 · 12/05/2021 16:27

Do what she wants. Why would she want to be buried with someone she hates?
You won't feel right visiting her grave knowing it wasn't her wish.
Yes, she can sort this herself now. She can pay for it and organise it now, both my Dad and Aunt have.

1starwars2 · 12/05/2021 16:28

Do what she wants. Why would she want to be buried with someone she hates?
You won't feel right visiting her grave knowing it wasn't her wish.
Yes, she can sort this herself now. She can pay for it and organise it now, both my Dad and Aunt have.

LittleOwl153 · 12/05/2021 16:34

Yes I would suggest she organises her funeral now. Books her plot or at least identifies it in her plan if it is a family plot - that way noone gets any say (although I suspect your DF as her next of kin could force changes if he wanted to - as you could if he goes first.)

diddl · 12/05/2021 16:42

Why would you bury her with your father if it's not what she wants?

Would it be really hard for you to visit both parents if she's with your GPs?

TwoAndAnOnion · 12/05/2021 16:44

Bluntly, if she predeceases DF, he as NOK will be making the decisions as to where she's buried. I suggest she puts it in her will.

TBH your feelings are irrelevant really; if the decision is yours to make and she wants to be buried with her mother, why wouldn't you honour those wishes?

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 12/05/2021 16:46

@Hont1986

You don't have to respect her wishes. Graves are for the living, the occupants don't care. Tell her what she wants to hear now, and when the time comes, do what makes you feel best.
Of course she has to respect her wishes. It would be totally unethical to bury her mum with someone she hated.
Orangebug · 12/05/2021 16:48

Sorry OP but I think you should respect her wishes.

diddl · 12/05/2021 16:53

I do think it's a good suggestion though that if she feels so strongly about it she gets proactive.

I can see that the way she talks about your Dad must be upsetting & I think you should tell her to stop/pull her up on it/refude to engage when she does.

If she predeceases your Dad though-what's he likely to do?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/05/2021 16:54

I think you should respect her wishes. Tell her to put in the will so it is clear if she is not willing to tell him. Of course, if he goes first it not a problem. You could check that her parents plot could actually accommodate her.

Queenoftheashes · 12/05/2021 16:56

Why on earth wouldn’t you respect her wishes? It’s perfectly normal to do so. You don’t need to put your dad in a skip either. she should have her wishes set out in her will and arrange her own plot though as it sounds like you might ignore what she wants.

Sarahlou63 · 12/05/2021 17:03

You don't want to visit two graves???

Justmuddlingalong · 12/05/2021 17:04

Tell her that she needs to have it in writing and that this is something she can and needs to sort out for herself. Don't become a whipping boy if she's not brave enough to have her preferences in her will.

Moondust001 · 12/05/2021 17:06

Cremate them both? Seriously. Visiting graves isn't a big thing these days. Remember them each for the good things, don't repeat the bad things. Neither of those things need a visit to a grave.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2021 17:12

Yabu.
Unless I've misunderstood, you've basically said - your mother hates your father and doesn't want to be buried with him - which is surely her right and fine - but you don't want that because you don't want to travel to two separated graves?!? Is that right? If so, wtaf? Respect her wishes.

bigbaggyeyes · 12/05/2021 17:15

Not your decision to make. If she doesn't want to be buried next to him and wants to be next to her dp then that's what you should do. Just because you cba to visit two graves isn't a good enough reason to go against her wishes

TwoAndAnOnion · 12/05/2021 17:15

@arethereanyleftatall

Yabu. Unless I've misunderstood, you've basically said - your mother hates your father and doesn't want to be buried with him - which is surely her right and fine - but you don't want that because you don't want to travel to two separated graves?!? Is that right? If so, wtaf? Respect her wishes.
Or >genius idea< bury DM with her family and pop DF on the opposite side of the same grave yard?
ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 17:16

Ask her to put it in her will. Then do what she wants.

Rmka · 12/05/2021 17:18

Can you bury your father close by? I'd say you tell her you respect her wishes, however if your mother dies before your dad, it will be his decision.
I'm more concerned you say you're effectively your mother's counselor. That's a huge burden to take, and you shouldn't feel obligated to take it. You should set some boundaries, she may get upset, but think of your mental health. It's as important. She uses emotional blackmail towards you and that's not ok.
Being a spouse of an alcoholic is extremely hard, so she should seek professional help, not put this all on you.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2021 17:21

I don't want to visit two graves for my parents but I also want to respect my DMs wishes too
Wow.
So don't visit her then if her wishes are such an inconvenience to you.

Tell her you have no legal rights and you won't fight her corner is she goes before Dad so she should sort it herself now legally

missymisses · 12/05/2021 17:21

Do you own the plot next to your grandparents already? Because it's likely that it's already taken if you don't. My parent died suddenly recently and they're buried literally miles away from the rest of the family as there is no space. Unless you already own a plot, you don't really get to pick and choose, you get what you're given. She should just organise it herself now.

Exhausted4ever · 12/05/2021 17:27

You don't want to follow her wishes because you don't want to visit two graves? Really?! Do you actually see what a ridiculous and selfish thing that is to say