To be unsure whether I actually even like this ‘friend’?

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

I’ll try (but will probably fail) to keep it simple...

I had a friend at school, Kate (NHRN). We were in the same school year, but she was one of the oldest and I was one of the youngest. She was very keen to grow up quickly - out clubbing at 15 etc. - and essentially thought I was a bit wet for not doing the same. She always thought she was more mature than everyone else, and as such always knew best.

She could also be VERY blunt when she thought she was right and you were wrong. One of these many occasions led us to fall out about two months before we did our GCSEs. Despite her much-vaunted maturity and insistence that she wouldn’t be staying on for sixth form to be treated like a child - and her ‘honest’ admission that she probably wouldn’t bother keeping in touch with people - she actually did stay on, while ironically, I left to do my A Levels at college. As such, we never really made up. I did run into her a couple of times a few years later and we made small talk, and we became friends on Facebook years later, but were never actively in touch.

I didn’t see her again until a school reunion a few years ago. This time we actually did talk about the past properly and made things up. I honestly thought I’d probably never see her again, but a few weeks later, Lucy, who’d organised the reunion, messaged a few of us to say how much she’d enjoyed it and did we fancy another night. We’ve done it a few times now, irregularly due to distance, but it’s always fun.

Kate told us at one of the meet-ups that she’d been having relationship problems, before announcing a split on Facebook a few weeks later. As we both live in London (not our home town), I’d messaged her to say I was sorry to hear her news and did she fancy a drink. She said thanks, it was still a bit raw at the moment, but she’d be in touch. It never happened. A while afterwards, I added her to a group chat about my birthday drinks and she left it without a word. Fair enough if she doesn’t want to go, but it takes seconds to type ‘Sorry, can’t make it - have fun!’

We’ve had group meets since, but to be honest, her attitude has taken the shine off them. I met Lucy and a couple of the others once without her when I was back home, and they were all asking how Kate was. I felt a fool saying ‘No idea’. But it’s not just that. Maybe I’m looking for issues now, but I’ve noticed a lot of what she puts on Facebook is quite judgemental and ‘I know best’. At one of our meets, she told one of our friends that she ‘needs to start dressing like a grown-up’ - more of her famous honesty. I’m starting to feel like all the reasons I’d had enough of her at 15 are still there all these years later.

Now that COVID restrictions are ending, Lucy has been messaging trying to find a date for us all to meet again. As much as I’d like to see her and the others, I don’t know if I can be arsed with a night of The Kate Show. I could easily combine it with a trip home, but why travel 100 miles to devote time to someone who doesn’t bother with me when we’re a Tube ride apart? AIBU to make my excuses and try to meet the others another time?

@katy1213

Surely you can have a friendship with the others without including her? She wasn't a friend at school- she isn't a friend now - why all the angst?

I wouldn’t call it ‘angst’... it’s just that in practical terms, we’ve virtually always met up as a group. That’s not to say I couldn’t meet the others without her; it will just need a bit more planning.

If Lucy can be trusted (ie. she won't go straight to Kate & blab that you don't want to hang out with her), & you really dislike Kate that much, AND you are not that bothered about Lucy & the others, I'd just message Lucy quietly.

Say something like: 'Actually Kate & I don't have much in common - we didn't get on at school, & we're still very different. I've made an effort & suggested a drink a couple of times, but she's clearly not arsed, which is of course her prerogative. So when I'm next in Hometown, I'd love to meet up with you & , but Kate & I just don't get on so I'll skip this one & catch up with you another time?'

Of course it comes down to how Lucy & the rest of the group feel about Kate. If they all adore her, they'll quite possibly decide they'd rather invite her & if you want to exclude yourself, that's up to you. If they are secretly fed up with her too, but inviting her because they think you two are bosom London buddies, they'll be happy to hear they don't have to include her.

So it depends on how bothered you are about hanging out with Lucy & co as to whether you take that risk.

FWIW, I have an old Uni frenemy like this. My 'Kate' & I manage to be perfectly civil to each other when our old gang get together, & in fact we've both mellowed over the years & I'm genuinely pleased to see her (in small doses!) but we'd definitely not maintain the friendship if we didn't have the mutual friends.

We just get on each others' tits, have done for 30 years, & likely will still be irritating each other in another 30 if we are all still in touch. It is what it is - the rest of the group are my oldest, & amongst my closest, friends, so I'm happy to be surface friendly with 'Kate'.

@JackieTheFart

You don’t like her and she’s not a friend. You might have cleared the air with her, but she’s not your friend.

Just tell Lucy you’d like to meet up with her and others but you’re not friends with Kate so are not arsed about her attendance. It doesn’t have to be rude - you won’t ignore her or anything - but you’re not friends so there’s no point arranging stuff around her and you when you’re not close.

The others obviously think you’re friends else they wouldn’t have asked after her. Just be honest.

I think this is the best approach. My family still live in my home town and Kate’s don’t, so I should be able to make it a casual ‘I’m home next weekend if you’re around for a drink’ with the others.

I became best friends in sixth form with a girl I'd been friends with all through school (from age 5); she was attractive, popular and cool, I was not but we had a similar sense of humour and it worked. I went off to university, she didn't and our friendship continued for almost 2 years via letters, meet-ups when I was home and we even had a holiday together at the end of my first year at university.

At the end of the second year, we met up and she brought her new best friend with her - rather pointedly, I thought. They mostly excluded me from the conversation and I thought, "Oh well, time to move on." It hurt, though.

This was 1978! Last year, another (mutual) old pal I'd reconnected with told me Jenny (not her real name) had been in touch and wanted me to get in touch. I didn't even consider it - why expose myself to potential hurt again?

I'm saying this because people you fell out with because they were not nice are rarely going to be nice to you years later, in my opinion. Don't take the risk.