FIL WWYD?

[Dasher789]

FIL, FIL wife (FILW) and their DC live around 700 miles away. Have not seen them since pre covid. The relationship between FIL and my DH has always been a bit lacking (FIL left when DH was 5 and saw him less and less the older he got). Recent years have seen each other once or twice a year. Distance obviously doesn't help but we are all in the UK.

DH had mentioned to FIL we planned a weekend staycation next month close by to him and arranged to spend the one day of our trip with him+FILW and DC. FILW has now informed us they have a holiday booked at that time and won't be able to see us.

DH and I got married and SIL gave birth during covid. Her baby is now 1 and never met FIL (babies DGF) nor FILW+DS. Its a bit stinging that his and FILW priority was a holiday, over visiting immediate family who have celebrated significant life events.

DH has pulled FIL up a few times about his lack of interest pre covid. Things pick up for a few weeks and then fall away again. I don't know about SIL but DH could definitely make more effort so its not totally one sided, but it seems like FIL has his new family and just isn't that bothered. FILW has openly said that whilst she is happy to be a part of the family dynamic, DH and SIL are not a priority for her.

AIBU - keeping plugging away and trying to keep contact for DH/family sake.
YANBU - FIL is selfish and won't change.

I am sad because DH and I hope to start a family soon and I don't want FIL to be involved with the baby if he won't make any effort and don't want the baby to grow up to know they have a DGF who basically doesn't care. I appreciate the distance is an issue and we won't see them every weekend but its not like they are at the other side of the world.

As someone in a similar situation, give it up and support your DH as the realisation stings more than he might want to admit.

Keep bare minimum contact with cards etc if you feel you have to.

Be safe in the knowledge your future DC would prefer not to have someone like this in their life than sit wondering why they aren't good enough etc.

yes, we checked out dates with FIL about a month ago and all was fine. Yesterday, FILW told us they were away.

aah well that's very different OP.

Yes sounds calculating.

🌺

[quote Dasher789]@BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila wow, thank you. That perfectly sums it up.[/quote]
I keep it in my notes to remind me when my relationships are getting difficult. To understand whether it's worth my time and energy. I'm glad it helped you. Different parts help me at different times.

I don't think FIL is being unreasonable at all. You booked a holiday near him, he's booked a holiday away at the same time so can't see you. Is he supposed to never do anything in case you decide you might want to see him or is he supposed to cancel his plans whenever it's convenient for you? You've said that DH makes little effort. Not all families need to see each other all the time in order to be good, beneficial and loving relationships - it sounds to me like you're forcing the issue and that you're causing problems in the family by trying to create a dynamic that no one who's actually in the family wants.

You can't change their family. It sounds like he's always been a poor father. If you have any children they won't care as these people have never been important to them. Grandparents are nice to have but not at all important to a child's wellbeing, especially if they are completely absent. Plenty of children grow up without close relationships with grandparents - it really is not an issue. Parents on the other hand are vital. Hence it's your husband who is likely to be hurt by this. You need to be guided by him. Does he want you to keep pursuing this? If he doesn't then you are out of order to take it on yourself. Not your place to meddle in relationships between your husband and his family.

He was an absent father, and didn’t take much interest in his own young son. I think that’s reprehensible, personally, and wouldn’t much care for contact with him now. However, even if you did want more contact now, you’re foolish to expect it from them, in light of how he treated his own child. Seriously, just leave them be and I suspect you’ll all be happier than trying to force a relationship where one party is disinterested.

PuddingJacker, read the thread!
OP checked with her FIL first and agreed the date with him. Then he afterwards deliberately booked a different holiday to avoid seeing his son and her. That was a calculated and cruel rejection message.

@BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila
Anthony Hopkins the actor? I had no idea he was so wise.
Where is this quote from please? I have been trying to articulate just this to a friend, but Anthony ticks all the boxes here.

Op, how you can let it go, best of luck going forward

[quote Ohyesiam]**@BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila
Anthony Hopkins the actor? I had no idea he was so wise.
Where is this quote from please? I have been trying to articulate just this to a friend, but Anthony ticks all the boxes here.

Op, how you can let it go, best of luck going forward[/quote]
I'm afraid just 'the internet' as my source.

For me whether it's Anthony Hopkins or not (yes the actor) the words still make sense articulating my feelings in so many areas of relationships.

Do you think he actually has booked a holiday in the last month? Given he can’t travel abroad, and everywhere in the UK booked up in February?

I’d be highly suspicious they aren’t going away at all, and he was just making an excuse not to see you. Which is horrible.

I can’t quite decide if it is worse than deliberately booking a holiday to make sure you are away when you know your child is visiting. Both are pretty horrible things to do.