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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I sulking?

36 replies

Bibbetyboo · 10/05/2021 22:10

DH spoke to me in a way which felt incredibly dismissive and like he had no respect for me.

I mean, I screamed back at him but his whole attitude towards childcare and household stuff is basically deep down that I should be doing everything and if he takes on some childcare stuff (which he has been a lot recently) I feel like I ‘pay’ for it with his constant moaning etc. We both feel completely strung out. Frankly I think I have post baby depression which he has been oblivious to - no joy in anything for months and just feeling angry all the time (but that’s a very common feeling in 2020/2021!).

In the last 2 days I have taken the attitude of I’m just going to behave like I’m a single parent and not rely on him at all. Or cook for him.

He is now in a spare bedroom and it feels a bit like a trial separation. It’s only been a couple of days but I’ve just been not talking to him as much as possible. He said to me tonight how long was I going to carry on sulking for, I said I didn’t know. He said well do you want a divorce I said, well this is sort of a trial separation.

I don’t want a divorce. But our relationship doesn’t feel good at the moment. Don’t know how to fix it either. Don’t know how to go forward except feel the need for a bit of space.

What to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 10/05/2021 22:32

Now he has come in and said no point in a trial separation and we should go and see a solicitor in the morning re a divorce.

That escalated quickly. Days ago we were talking about retirement plans (in 15-20 years).

Just feel numb.

OP posts:
JaiPow · 10/05/2021 22:33

@Bibbetyboo Sounds like you're both a little stressed out. A relationship in general needs to be grounded around love and respect, especially one where you live together and raise children.

It sounds like both of you are coming from places of frustration and it's not serving either one of you.

I would recommend counselling. A safe place to ask questions, get opinions and discuss options and resolutions. There are lots of ways to see a counsellor online these days and I would highly recommend it.

When I am not showing up as my best self I connect with my therapist to see why and usually its stemming from some sort of insecurity of mine own.

Good Luck!

3Britnee · 10/05/2021 22:34

Could he be calling your bluff?

OwlinaTree · 10/05/2021 22:36

If you don't want a divorce you need to go in warning the white flag and start talking to him.

OwlinaTree · 10/05/2021 22:36

Waving the white flag!

Cial · 10/05/2021 22:37

You need to have an adult conversation. Not playing games.

You also need to seek help for PND if you haven’t already.

Neither of you are seeing the other person. Think you’re both too focussed on yourselves rather than the bigger picture.

Returnoftheowl · 10/05/2021 22:39

I think counseling would be a good idea.
It seems that your both backed into corners here. If you don't want a divorce you need to start communicating with him about what you do want.

Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 10/05/2021 22:40

I think he was trying to call my bluff. I suppose that’s reaching out in a way. But he just came in and turned the light on and I don’t want the baby to wake and told him to go away basically, it could wait until the morning.

He will never in a million years go to counselling. I tried once before years ago. Not Cos we were having major issues but as a sort of preventative thing.

I agree we’re only seeing ourselves. But I don’t think he ever sees me.

OP posts:
RealisticSketch · 10/05/2021 22:44

Lots of barriers being put up and not much bridge building.
Stay with saying you don't want a divorce. It is hard when all your sense of humour and joy has been sucked out of you - it's hard for both though not just the one who is gripped by it, and it can become a vicious circle. Both of you impact on each other, you're suffering together, though it seems each other is the problem... but things can only improve if you both recognise this and start building your way out of it. Sometimes has to start and it doesn't matter who.
Acknowledging how each of you have been struggling to keep your head above water is a good place to get the communication going.

LH4VR · 10/05/2021 22:47

Screaming only raises your pressure. You're feeling stressed and you need to communicate.

Get a pencil. Stick a white triangle paper piece to it and wave it under his nose. Tell him you want to talk.

Arrange to meet him at the pub. You won't be tempted to shout in the company of others and more likely to discuss. Plus it's easier to walk away from each other and storm into another room if it's done at home.

Don't tell him what he should be doing or what he's not doing or anything about what he does that's not right. It's not constructive - he'll say you're nagging.

Tell him you're feeling the pressure of the house. Explain your feelings - of how you feel like the unpaid help. Gawd knows raising kids and running a house is the hardest job on the planet. I know of some blokes who tend to have the mindset that they work hard 9 till 6 so that gives them the right to put their feet up the rest of the night.

But look for a solution. Would a rota work for certain things? If you're at home it's reasonable to think you do the most housework, but definitely not it all.

Big hugs Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2021 22:47

He’s clearly got his faults but you say you screamed at him and are now giving him the silent treatment so you’re behaving extremely badly too. What a horrible toxic environment for a child.

If you’re struggling and think you have PND then you need to seek help. That’s your responsibility as an adult and a parent. You can’t use it as an excuse for treating him like shit.

As a spouse, you need to stop stropping and talk to your husband like a grown up.

Yes, of course you’re sulking. You know how corrosive and cruel being blanked or ignored is so you’re hoping if you keep it up he’ll come and apologise. It’s no way to behave.

Either face up to the issues between the two of you and have a calm reasonable conversation or admit defeat and file for divorce. You can’t attempt a trial separation while you’re living under the same roof and haven’t bothered to tell the other person what you’re doing.

Apileofballyhoo · 10/05/2021 22:51

Is he nice to you in general?

Definately · 10/05/2021 23:12

Yes you are sulking. He's pushing you to discuss divorce to try and put an end to it. It's torturous having someone drag out an arguments for days on end. Go and talk to him properly. Tell him how you feel. Ask how he feels. No screaming. Discuss your mood and how you're going to see a GP. Discuss the division of labour and how to make it fairer. Talk about the resentment that is there between you and how to get past it. Go and do it now and make a plan of how to get through this. This isn't unusual when there's a new baby, it's so bloody hard and stressful, but you have to thrash it out because it's not doing the baby any good the pair of you getting on like this.

Nevergiveupneversurrender · 10/05/2021 23:21

You phrased your post in a way that makes you sound very unreasonable. So you must be tired and stressed

Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 10/05/2021 23:40

@Nevergiveupneversurrender I had started to type out the detail but I bored myself with it and deleted.

I take on board the comments above. I was sulking, I didn’t realise it. I was trying to get him to apologise. Not that it would undo the hurt. He said things that were hurtful precisely because they are things that I worry about.

He is normally kind and he is normally good to me. He is useless around the house and so am I. He is impatient and overwhelmed with the kids and work, and so am I (with work looming anyway).

Have taken a note to him. Attempted to fold it into a flag and somehow failed, turned it into a plane instead...

Now can’t sleep. Life just a bit shit at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 10/05/2021 23:41

Just to add the kids wouldn’t have been aware of any of it as we have only crossed paths when they were asleep/ not around today. So they won’t have picked up on anything I don’t think.

OP posts:
therocinante · 10/05/2021 23:50

You're both just... At the end of your tether.

Saying horrible things you probably don't mean in the hopes of getting a reaction from each other because you're not getting what you actually need off each other.

You've made a start in communicating properly with your paper plane.

Now try again tomorrow and tell him: I feel X about work; I am going to see a doctor about PND; when you X I feel Y and I'd like us to do Z to move forward.

Be honest without escalating to get the response you want. Give him space to tell you things you might also not want to hear. Agree on the problems - your mental health, the share of domestic work, not feeling connected, the way you communicate - and think of ways to tackle them together. If he doesn't respond how you hope initially, set the conversation down - "I want to talk about this with you but I can tell you're angry so do you want to talk about this later when you've had time to think about it" or whatever - and come back to it before it just escalates to divorce papers again.

I know this probably sounds really patronising but it's not meant to - it's just that both DH and I are naturally very reactive, childish, shouty, 'low blow' communicators when we're upset. Saying the awful things to get a reaction, storming away, escalating wildly til you can't turn it back or you feel a dick. That type of arguers... Very unhealthy.

It got us nowhere, and we agreed, before we got married, we'd get counselling seperately and then later, together, to learn how to communicate. Turns out our equally fucked up childhoods had made us really poor communicators when we were scared or our boundaries were being crossed, so we had to actually learn how, like kids learning to ride a bike. It's the best thing we've ever done for ourselves and we're MUCH better at tackling big stuff now.

mainsfed · 10/05/2021 23:51

I agree that you need to talk, but don’t let his threat of divorce force you into conceding and doing the majority of housework/childcare if you’re both working as well.

He could be calling your bluff or saying it to get a reaction to break the stalemate, it’s difficult to say.

SpringCrocus · 10/05/2021 23:52

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

Sleepingdogs12 · 11/05/2021 00:25

It sounds like it has all got a bit much. It is a new day tomorrow. Can someone have the children and you go out for a walk and have a chat? It isn't about winners and losers, what do you both want to achieve and how can you both build respect ?

Ollinisca · 11/05/2021 02:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 11/05/2021 02:46

I woke up because DD was crying - I don’t think he saw/ read my note. I didn’t want him going to sleep thinking I wanted a divorce but seems he did.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/05/2021 03:04

@SpringCrocus

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

I agree. I'm not sure what everyone else is reading, but he sounds like a lazy misogynistic dick. I don't think you are sulking OP. Jist at the end of your tether and need space but can't get it at the moment. He shouldn't be allowed to dismiss your feelings and manipulate you into doing everything for you again by telling you to stop sulking.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/05/2021 03:04

Doing everything for him, not you

Original poster
Bibbetyboo · 11/05/2021 03:22

He is a lazy misogynist but there are lots of them around. He isn’t a dick though.

Fairly messed up parents and their divorce so I can imagine he feels triggered by this too.

OP posts: