To feel so much guilt

[annamilo]

Hi all,

This sounds really weird maybe but it’s affecting me really badly.
When I was a child my dad would drink occasionally and when he did, with the medication he was on, he would become violent with my Mum.
I remember loads of occasions where I would witness my Mim being hurt, one in particular was him dragging my Mum down the stairs whilst she was naked.
Even writing this is making me want to cry.
My parents stayed together and my Dad did apologise to my Mum.
I was told as a child that my Mum was sexually abused as a child, she also was treated so badly by her parents.
My Mum never had a great life and it breaks my heart. I feel so sad for her and I feel guilt for what she went through, really bad guilt,
Why do I feel like this and am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

I think its natural for you to feel sad for her, it sounds like she has had tough times through her whole life. I dont think the guilt is yours to bare though, what happened to her as a child there was nothing you could have done to prevent. What happened to her with your dad,you were only a child at the time so not in a position to do anything to help either.

I think its natural for you to feel sad for her, it sounds like she has had tough times through her whole life. I dont think the guilt is yours to bare though, what happened to her as a child there was nothing you could have done to prevent. What happened to her with your dad,you were only a child at the time so not in a position to do anything to help either

Bless your heart. You have been through so much too. No child should have those sorts of memories. I have similar and too feel so sad and sometimes guilty. Guilty because I feel sometimes, she stayed because she felt scared she wouldn't have been able to keep a roof over our heads if we left.

I feel awful but I do know it wasn't my fault. I just wish I could wipe any of that suffering away from her past because I love her so much. Just as you love your mum. They have us and our deep love and care for them and that means the world to them. Hugs OP xxxx

OP, I suspect it’s very normal to feel like that.

You loved your Mum and perhaps twanted to protect her. But you were a CHILD and absolutely could not have done so.

Many people in your situation would have been too scared to intervene, almost relieved it wasn’t happening to them. Or maybe you felt detached, like you were watching a film. Or you wished your Mum hadn’t “annoyed” your Dad so it wouldn’t have happened.... all these things are normal child-logic feelings to have had.

You sound very forgiving of your Dad (it was the alcohols fault, it was because of his medication, etc). I don’t know if this is healthy acceptance of what you can’t change, or healing, or because you can’t stomachs the thought of your Dad (who you love) having been abusive.

So are you just angry and not allowing yourself to be angry at your Dad (because that’s an abyss best avoided)?

I don’t know and amateur armchair psychology is a dangerous game if the recipient believes it all. Maybe actual proper therapy would help you. It’s certainly better than internet strangers can do.

The one thing I would be certain of? You did not have the power to stop him then, and you don’t have the power to go back now.

I’m so sorry, @annamilo.

As for dealing with your mum’s pain and your guilt, it may be worth reading about codependency. Just because those experiences in childhood can lead to that as a coping mechanism: www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/melody-beattie/codependent-no-more/9780894864025

None of the way your dad treated your mum was your fault. Have you ever sought counselling?

That's so sad, op. You obviously have nothing to feel guilty about. Do you think you could speak to your gp about getting some counselling, or sort out some privately if you can afford it. Talking it through with a professional could help you deal with those unresolved feelings.

I think you feel guilt because you're looking at it through an adults eyes now. If you saw that as an adult you'd protect her, you'd call the police. But as a child, you couldn't, you didn't know how. You shouldn't feel guilt, you couldn't have protected her from him, and you shouldn't have had to. I definitely agree with pp that you should look into councelling, it must have been incredibly traumatising to see that.