Shared Maintenance/Cleaning with neighbour - what do we think about this?

[Bettyboo234]

Hello everyone,

I live in a ground floor flat (separate door) with one neighbour who lives in the first floor flat. We share a driveway which leads onto a back area where there are 2 drives, with each of us owning one.

There is also a front garden area which is only owned by me. The other week I spent 2 days completely de-weeding all the front garden and making everything look nice as although I own it, it’s nice for it to be nice for both myself and the neighbour.

I have just received a message which essentially says “can we arrange a day together where we can clean the shared area/drive as it needs general sweeping and weeding”

I haven’t done anything yet on this as I only moved in 2 months ago so obviously been focusing on my own house/garden etc. In my opinion, if i went out and had free time on a weekend or during the week, I would just do it when I see it needs to be done (do some weeding, sweep up a bit that kind of thing) and hope that it would just be mutually shared over time as I know when she had free time she would do the same, I’m finding it quite invasive that we have to essentially do it together?

I completely agree it should be shared and am 100% up for making sure the shared areas are clear but just find the message very strange. If I think what I would have liked her to do instead I’m honestly not sure either - so maybe I’m just being weird!

I am just looking for some advice on whether you agree it’s a little strange/what I should reply or am I just feeling that whole “someone’s telling me what to do” vibe and overthinking and actually it’s a polite/respectful thing to do so we both do our share.

She has been quite overbearing from the start, worried and anxious over very small things, sends messages every other day apologising for noises she makes which I literally never hear nor care about so it’s just like another thing happening again which makes me feel like I’m not in my own private space type thing or can’t fully relax.

Thanks

Tell her to do it this month/week and you will do it next week/ month.
Could that work for you both?

I feel like I should also mention that I’m in my early twenties and she is the same age as my mother. So for some reason I feel like I get this “motherly” vibe where she feels like she can just tell me what to do and I’ll say yes as she’s the older one type thing and I want to be respectful - she has also lived in her flat for 20 something years and I’ve just moved in a couple months ago. So she knows everything regarding the lease, looking after the property etc and I don’t - so feel like she gets to say “we do it this way” and I just have to accept that. She ended the message with “let me know when is good for the cleaning” not even allowing room to sort of be like hang on maybe I don’t want to do it together... or I’m just COMPLETELY overthinking which I do a lot anyway

Agree with the PP who suggested splitting it - you could reply “why don’t we take it in turns to keep on top of it? I’ll give it a clean/sweep this month, then you do the same next month and so on. Saves doubling up on our time and gives us each a month off etc” something like that!

What @DarceyDashwood said. It sounds like she's organising you which sets an unhealthy dynamic . And if you do it together the healthy distance from someone who seems they could be a real hassle is gone straight away. I'd be ignoring the texts re her noise , it feels like she's trying to force a connection ,not let it happen naturally which it would if you happened to get in well.

I would be carefully that your neighbour doesn't think that she is your 'landlord' due to your age and length of time being in her flat.

I would respond that you are happy to maintain your shared driveway but having only just moved in you have other priorities. I know from bitter experience, I was also young, and an elderly neighbour constantly tried to tell the rest of us what to do even though we all owned our own flats.

Polite is the way forward but you are on an equal footing to your neighbour and that doesn't make her in charge of you or your time.

Completely agree with you all - that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! Like I’m living next door to my landlord type thing.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s really lovely, but I originally posted on here when I first moved in as she had a VERY bad experience with the past neighbours which I think left her incredibly noise anxious and thus has been overcompensating to make sure there’s a lot of communication so things don’t become like they were. I was struggling and posted for advice as I felt like I couldn’t make a single noise without expecting her to knock on my door.

This has definitely settled and I make my usual noise like watching TV etc and have had no complaints so it’s all good on that end. However, like I said originally, she tends to apologise or even say thank you for everything (even like me taking her bins in once they’ve been collected she will send a message of thanks - I just do it because it makes sense I don’t necessarily need a whole thank you) which I think then makes me anxious and ask “do I need to do the same?”

So there’s been a few sort of things like that which sometimes make me feel a bit weird - like I can’t relax in my own home type thing. But after all your advice I ended up saying this:

“Yes of course - I looked and can’t believe how the weeds grow so fast!!!

Do you prefer if we take it in turns? Me and X are happy to do it sometime this week (I am quiet this week anyway) as we haven’t done it before yet - saves doubling up on our time and will give you a break from doing it (as I assume you used to always do it before)

Not sure how long it takes to get like this each time but happy to rotate type thing. I suppose it’s just removing all the weeds and sweeping so it’s all clear, let me know if there’s anything else you would usually do though!”

Which I think is a polite way of saying “I don’t want to do it together but will definitely do my share as I acknowledge you had difficulties with the last people” so hoping she likes this idea! Can’t really imagine having to worry each month waiting for her to arrange a day together to clear things.

It’s very hard being young and not sort of falling into that place where I just do what someone older tells me. I have and always will “respect my elders” but yes for sure need to realise that I’m in equal in this situation and need to respect each other not just her 😊

Sounds like she might be lonely and looking for you to be a friend/ surrogate daughter. You did the right thing and I think your message hits the right tone.

Do you know what the people who lived in your place before were like? Maybe they complained about noise from her or didn't lift a finger or made her life miserable and that's why she is anxious to start on the right foot with you. I would just talk to her, putting her at ease (to me that means you will tackle any issues before they become problems and see what's important to her) and also setting boundaries. Basically, she needs to know you are not intending on making her life a misery but you are not a pushover either.