Can he blame depression?

[Emmy0louise0]

I started dating my boyfriend back in September and I can honestly say that although not at all perfect, it was the best relationship I have ever had. Like seriously good, in so many ways ive never had before. I could tell he was getting distant and got out of him that his depression was back and he needed some time to get his head together but definitely wasnt breaking up and wanted to see me again. Ok, 'do whatever you need to do and i'll speak to you in a few weeks' I say. Its been over 2 months and im lucky if i get any replies to texts but insists he isnt ghosting in the one curt message i finally got. I said how difficult this was getting for me (I am getting panic attacks, anxiety has stopped me going out, heart rates usually over 100, chest pains etc, no it isnt anything more serious, and I havent told him any of that, I just wanted a bit of understanding not to make him feel worse.) I said that all I wanted was an occasional messages to help keep my head together, but I have had nothing back. On top of this I know he recently lost a close friend.
I have had several relationships I wouldnt quite call abusive but I have no confidence left, and obviously everyone who knows only me and my history is telling me I am better off without him, block him and be done. I know he is still seeing his son and family as usual so he is still functioning at least.
Taking a final step to end this relationship will be ridiculously difficult and wouldnt that make me the jerk while hes going through such an awful time? Has anyone been in his place?

I’d finish the relationship and move on. If you take him at his word (and why not) then he is struggling with his MH and the last thing he wants is to feel responsible for you at the moment as well.

Op he’s obviously broken up with you. He hasn’t seen you in months, ignores your texts, and the time that he did respond he spoke to you like shit. What are you still waiting for?

Many, many men use depression as some sort of free pass to behave appallingly. They think it gives them permission to do whatever they want and there is no come back because of their MH. You're in a no win situation really, if you call him out, you'll be accused of being unsympathetic, if you say nothing, he'll learn that he can behave like this and you'll put up with it. I'd just stop contacting him, and mentally move on, he may pop back up again in a few months, or he may not but you're getting nothing but hurt out of this 'relationship' at the moment.

It’s over, he is just to much of a coward to say it.

The relationship is over. It’s time to move on

Its time to move on, hes not into you. Even if he was do you want to live like this?

The relationship is already over.

Maybe he does have depression or maybe hes using that as excuse to dump you or to keep you on standby while he makes his mind up. But either way is this what you really want? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't speak to you for months at a time?

I also think you need some help. Being so invested in a new relationship that you're having panic attacks because he's not messaged you but are struggling to walk away is really not a good sign. To be honest it doesn't sound like either of you are ready to be in a relationship and both need to work on yourselves first.

Even if it is depression, do you want a relationship where this becomes a theme? Whilst I sympathise greatly with anyone who suffers from depression I have to be brutally honest and say that for me this would be a huge red flag for what was to come in a long term relationship. Romance is wonderful however years of living with depression can take its toll. I have experience of a relationship with a wonderful man with cyclical depression and in order to save my own sanity and secure happiness and stability for myself and my child I ended the relationship. You are at the beginning of a relationship, you are not obligated to continue out of guilt.

Yes. I’ve got depression and in the past I’ve treated people badly in relationships because of it. They dumped me. They did the right thing. I was in no state to be attempting to have a relationship. Dump him.

Yup. Move on. If a relationship is this shit in the first few months it definitely isn't working. He's just not that interested in you.

He’s already ended the relationship.

Have that one final text or conversation if you feel the need for some kind of closure or the final word, but the relationship was over 2 months ago.

Read your post back and advise yourself as if you are your own best friend.

Even the kindest, most understanding, bid hearted person doesn't have to forgive or be empathetic to everything. He is hurting you. It may be that he can't help that at the moment and you can't know that for certain or change his behaviour. However, you can stop yourself continuing to be hurt.

You know he is going through something at the moment that means he can't be in a relationship but you want and deserve something more than this. You need to move on, he needs to get well or sort out his shit. Right (ish) person, wrong time - he is not the one for you.

Wow can’t believe you’re still hanging on, I agree with the others, he ended it and expected you to get the hint and give up, why haven’t you already?! It’s been 2 months

I would just move on. He's checked out. Stop doing this to yourself. You're worth so much more.

For someone trying to deal with anxiety and agoraphobia in a family that does not accept MH as an issue, a completely honest but understanding outside perspective is really helpful.

Thank you so much to those who gave their kind and frank advice and not just passing blunt comment, it's truly appreciated.

I have a better idea of how to deal, move forward and get some closure on this thanks to several of you so thank you for the thoughtful insight.