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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sexual problems with new partner

18 replies

Cornishscone · 10/05/2021 15:15

So we’ve been together 8 months ish.
He’s in his early 40s and has had previous relationships that didn’t work out, same as me.

His main issue in the bedroom is that it takes him quite a while to get erect and when he does he ends up finishing within a couple of seconds, no exaggeration. He literally thrusts once or twice, sometimes not even that.

Is there anything that can be done about this? I don’t want to be shallow, but I like a decent sex life and haven’t ever come across this issue before, with any ex partners. Maybe I’ve been lucky in that sense.
He’s really embarrassed about it. He always makes sure he ‘finishes me off’ afterwards, if it didn’t happen beforehand during foreplay etc. So I can’t complain there.

OP posts:

Onesnowynight · 10/05/2021 15:17

How frustrating for both of you. Has he sought any help for this?

Original poster

Cornishscone · 10/05/2021 15:20

@Onesnowynight no, not yet. He thinks it might be nerves because he said I’m his type and he’s never been with anyone who fitted his dream woman before. His words, not mine! He’s very keen to make it work too.
He’s fit and runs several times a week. Goes on long hikes regularly. So I don’t think the issue is unhealthy lifestyle or anything. He doesn’t really drink. He doesn’t smoke or do drugs.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 10/05/2021 15:23

Not complaining is totally different to being completely satisfied. If he's unwilling to seek help, I think you have to accept this as your sex life while you are with him. Only you can decide if you want to continue with a new relationship that already has an issue.

hamsterchump · 10/05/2021 15:23

Have you tried the Durex numbing condoms, I think they're called extended pleasure? They have a local anaesthetic on the inside and are worth a go.

OhGiveUp · 10/05/2021 15:23

Until he gets medical intervention, he could try using durex as they tend to reduce sensation a little?

MrsOmelette · 10/05/2021 15:25

Could he have phimosis?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/05/2021 15:27

I could understand the dream woman explanation if you'd just started having sex, but after 8 months together and it taking a while for him to go hard, it sounds like it's been an ongoing problem.

Original poster

Cornishscone · 10/05/2021 15:28

Sorry, to add, we already use condoms as I can’t use the pill or other contraceptives due to hormone imbalance and not getting on with it.

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 10/05/2021 15:29

What happens if you try again after his initial 'burst' of sex...?

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/05/2021 15:30

Sounds like premature ejaculation

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/can-premature-ejaculation-be-controlled/

As Pp says a GP should be able to prescribe a numbing cream, or can get this from a pharmacy I think

www.nhs.uk/medicines/lidocaine-for-skin/

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 15:33

It doesn't matter what the cause is.

If he goes to his GP and tries to get a resolution he might be worth carrying on with.

If he won't do that then you just move on. You have every right to a wholly fulfilling relationship and don't have to give up on sex to be fair on him or nice.

Perfect woman? Nerves? Nope. He needs to stop pretending. If he doesn't what he means is "Christ! This one is hanging around longer than the others"

Youdoyoutoday · 10/05/2021 15:35

Patience, love and understanding. My DP had this too but he did see a doctor and was prescribed viagra. As time went on, he didn't need it so much. I have to say though my partner weighed about 13 and half stone so not exactly overweight but we both went on a diet, he lost 2 stones and now he lasts for ages, I don't know what happened but something switched!

ElphabaTWitch · 10/05/2021 15:52

Buy some toys??? There’s plenty of fun to be had in other ways which can be satisfying for both of you. It doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/05/2021 15:55

@CuriousaboutSamphire

It doesn't matter what the cause is.

If he goes to his GP and tries to get a resolution he might be worth carrying on with.

If he won't do that then you just move on. You have every right to a wholly fulfilling relationship and don't have to give up on sex to be fair on him or nice.

Perfect woman? Nerves? Nope. He needs to stop pretending. If he doesn't what he means is "Christ! This one is hanging around longer than the others"

This!

This is not your problem to solve! It is not your fault! Women are not rehab centres for men.

Why are you on here trying to solve this for him. HE is the one who should be.

You deserve better than this.

He's not a 'partner', he's a boyfriend of a very short time who's completely incompatible with you sexually.

Up your bar, seriously.

Original poster

Cornishscone · 10/05/2021 16:13

Sexually we’re incompatible, but he’s really lovely in every other way.
My ex was great in bed, but a nightmare to live with and had an incredibly short fuse!

OP posts:

JovialNickname · 10/05/2021 16:19

Sorry to state the obvious, but can't you just do it again? Likely he'd last longer after the initial burst of excitement!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/05/2021 17:05

@Cornishscone

Sexually we’re incompatible, but he’s really lovely in every other way. My ex was great in bed, but a nightmare to live with and had an incredibly short fuse!

Then you accept him as he is sexually and crack on. He's an adult. This isn't your problem to solve and had he wanted to, he'd already have seen to it. He's not a pet or a project.

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/05/2021 17:19

Hi op
Couldn’t remember the name earlier, it’s called Emla, is a topical local anaesthetic active ingredient is Lidocaine , used by tattoo artists etc.

You can get from SuperDrug
onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/premature-ejaculation-treatment.html

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