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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel slightly insecure and intimidated!?

36 replies

boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:04

So we moved house (due to dh's job) just before Christmas to a small village with a small local school. (But 20 mins from nearest city) I have 2 dc and I am a sahm for the time being. I will go beck to work (hopefully) once dd is in school which is in another year!
The school is small as I said, there's 16 in ds's year. I have since joining realised that out of the 16 only 2 of the other mums are sahm (I thought there may be more) but this is not my AIBU. Of the mums that are working there's (and this is no joke!)
The local GP - I met while attending for the first time
The local vet- I met when I brought the dog
The local dentist - I met whilst registering at said surgery
An engineer- runs a local engineering company (met at the school gate)
Two solicitors (heard through dh who is also in the legal sector!)
A surgeon - I haven't met but another mum spoke of her
A senior lecturer - met at the school gates a few times
A psychiatrist with her own practice - can't remember how I know that one

I haven't met the others much but they all drop and run in their suits most days. Blush

Now I am so bloody impressed and I am in awe of the amount of highly educated women around me but I can't help but feel so small all of a sudden. I know it's my own issues but...WOW...I feel like I dropped into a little bubble of mums who run the world. IABU aren't I! 🙈

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 10/05/2021 10:07

They sound like fantastic friends to make! Yanbu for feeling a bit intimidated (I’m the same with anyone who I perceive to have a more ‘worthy’ job than me) but swallow that feeling, smile and chat to them.

araiwa · 10/05/2021 10:07

Yes women can have jobs these days.

Original poster
boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:09

@DisgruntledPelican yes...and to add they all seem so lovely too!! Really approachable and kind. I will have to do some working on myself and my inner dialogue I think. Thank you!

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 10/05/2021 10:09

You don’t mention what the fathers do and whether they are intimidating too?

Original poster
boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:10

@araiwa of that I am aware, I think it's just that I'm not used to so many in one small place Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:13

@UhtredRagnarson I'm not entirely sure what some of them do, I know a couple are brothers and have a building company (dh's of the vet and lecturer). I don't ask the info it gets divulged so I only know what I'm told.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/05/2021 10:14

Thank goodness they are all lovely.
What a blessing OP.

Flowers
UhtredRagnarson · 10/05/2021 10:16

Where have you moved from OP??? You’re not used to so many women working and find it intimidating?

JackANackAnoreeee · 10/05/2021 10:18

Honestly OP it sounds great, lots of parents with interesting jobs. I imagine some of them feel guilty that you have more time with your kids and worry that you're judging them for working full time. I think lots of us have moments of insecurity, don't worry OP.

Original poster
boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:19

@UhtredRagnarson where we lived before most of the mums were sahm with high flying dh's who were away a lot...just two different dynamics I suppose. I'm not here to argue. I am allowed to feel the way I feel, I acknowledge my feelings and I am aware that it's "my shit" so to speak! I can work on that.

OP posts:
JackANackAnoreeee · 10/05/2021 10:19

@UhtredRagnarson

You don’t mention what the fathers do and whether they are intimidating too?
OP is naturally going to compare herself to the mums rather than the dads.
OrangeRug · 10/05/2021 10:21

Not sure why people are taking such a bitchy tone with OP. All she's saying is that she admires them.

FaceForRadio1973 · 10/05/2021 10:21

I kind of know where you're coming from. it's easy for me to sit here and say this, but I think it's human nature to be a little bit awed with people who have skills that we don't have...

What you need to realise that you probably have skills or knowledge that they don't have, so they will be just as awed by you....

VladmirsPoutine · 10/05/2021 10:25

I understand what you're trying to say OP - but I think it's not really the done thing in 2021 to marvel over mums having astonishing careers. Comparison is the thief of joy.

GoddessKali · 10/05/2021 10:26

@UhtredRagnarson

Where have you moved from OP??? You’re not used to so many women working and find it intimidating?
No matter what..... there’s always someone who wants to make a bitchy pointed comment Confused

OP, please don’t feel intimidated, although totally see why you do feel this way :)

AFS1 · 10/05/2021 10:27

Speaking as one of a collection of professionally employed, full-time working mums at my son’s school, please don’t feel intimidated or insecure. I have a range of school mum friends from all backgrounds and employment status. They’re all lovely and other than the occasional jealousy that I can’t join in on the Friday post-school run coffee as often as I’d like, it just doesn’t matter to any of us whether someone is out at work, or stay at home. We just get on.

Sandgrown1970 · 10/05/2021 10:28

@OrangeRug

Not sure why people are taking such a bitchy tone with OP. All she's saying is that she admires them.
Exactly. It’s a different environment to what you are used to OP. I’d feel a bit intimidated too if I arrived somewhere where everyone was very high achieving and I felt a bit like the odd one one. Or likewise, I’ve a friend on the PTA at a school where almost everyone is a SAHM and I’ve showed up to events to help her out (I bake very well or sometimes help her sell crafts at fairs etc) and I know some of the full time working mums feel a bit intimidated or judged. As you say, it’s your “stuff”. I’m struggling with this sort of thing in other areas of my life. Everyone has stuff that makes them feel insecure or intimidated.

I’m reading a book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle and it’s making me question a lot about where my own identity and self esteem comes from. I always see these insecure/intimidating feelings as a calling card to work on the areas I’m struggling with and bolster my confidence in other ways.

AFS1 · 10/05/2021 10:28

...and as parents, we’re all equals! We’re all just fumbling along doing the best we can!

Original poster
boatsnrainbows · 10/05/2021 10:28

@VladmirsPoutine that is one of my mantras with my dc so am I am working on it for myself today. Thank you.

OP posts:
JackANackAnoreeee · 10/05/2021 10:30

@UhtredRagnarson

Where have you moved from OP??? You’re not used to so many women working and find it intimidating?
Did you not read the OP? OP has said most of the parents here are in high flying professional jobs and there aren't many SAHMs. Statistically this is an unusual situation. In most year groups, particularly for very young year groups there would be at least around 1/3 stay at home mums for younger kids, some working part time in retail etc and a smaller proportion in the kind of professinal jobs these women have. OP hasn't expressed surprise that any women has a high flying job, just that most of them do. It isn't especially hard to understand!
Lucaslucas1612 · 10/05/2021 10:32

I know exactly what you mean I feel quite intimidated by several of the school mums at my dcs school. They are all lawyers, dentists, GPS or have their own very successful businesses. Some were ex national athletes in swimming or running. They have 3/4 young children are working full time but still have bodies to die for as they do 15k before the school run and do triathlons for fun at weekends. Those that are SAHM seem to ex lawyers or national athletes and are very good at baking and anything they turn their hand to really.

It's very intimidating but I try not to compare myself and just be happy with my lot. The ones I know are pretty down to earth and nice people but they are much smarter and more driven than me.

pooonastick · 10/05/2021 10:50

I have one of those jobs that you mention and I would feel intimidated too!! Thats an impressive list . Its hard making new friends when you move . I have done it a few times and have felt intimidated by some of the Mums who seem fabulous , well dressed , popular or confident. I am always just looking for nice people who can have a good conversation and also listen rather than be on transmit. If you can offer this , you will be fine. It just takes time . Good luck!!

pooonastick · 10/05/2021 10:53

Oh and ignore the mean comments. You are just stating how you feel . Those are the type of people you don't want to make friends with...

JemimaJoy · 10/05/2021 10:56

Sound like amazing women and great friends to make! ☺️

Eloiseifyouplease · 10/05/2021 11:00

On the flip side of this I have a friend who has an extremely high flying job in the city, long hours and a lot of pressure. She often talks to me about how guilty she feels dropping DC off to breakfast club and then her DH collecting from after school club as she doesn't get home until late.

She says that she'd sometime love nothing more than to be able to stand at the gates chatting to other mums, or to have time to sort the house out during the day. She feels she's left out not being there during the day or to help out with homework, and family dinners during the week.

I can completely see why you feel intimidated, but they too will have their own worries. If they all seem lovely, then embrace this and enjoy making new friends.

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