What age would you allow these things

[shouldistop]

Dh and I were chatting and trying to decide what age we'd allow the kids to do these things;
They're only 4yo & 5mo just now so some of these things are a way off but would be good to get other parents perspectives.

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in.

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home.

Go to local shop by themselves.

Have a sleepover at a friends house.

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying.

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window)

Play in whole garden including front by themselves.

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too).

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins.

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours.

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours.

Stay at home by themselves all day.

To be clear I'm asking individually, not when older one can care for younger one doing these things as I think that will be so dependent on their relationship as they get older and how sensible older one becomes so there's no point in speculating right now.

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in.
6 ish.

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home. 10/11. Year 6

Go to local shop by themselves.
9/10

Have a sleepover at a friends house.
My kids only asked to do this at about 9. It depends who the parents of the friend were. Some, the answer would be never.

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying.
If I knew the parents well then as a toddler. If I didn’t know the parents well, then age 5, once they start school, it tends to happen.

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window)
4/5. But obviously check on them regularly.

Play in whole garden including front by themselves.
7

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too).
Year 5, age 10

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins.
10

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours.
11/12, once they start secondary school.

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours.
11/12, again, secondary school although they rarely had to do this as I’m usually home.

Stay at home by themselves all day.
I’d have trusted them by age 11 but never had to do it at that age. I’d have phoned them throughout the day though.

The back garden one is one dh and I were disagreeing on for right now. Dh thinks it's fine but it worries me and id rather someone was out with him.
Logically it's really no different than him playing in another room in the house which I don't have a problem with.
He's 5 in a couple of months. I think that's one I'll allow now and just set some ground rules. I could probably close the gate onto the front tightly enough that he couldn't open it.

I understand what you are saying about being anxious and not want to replicate how anxious your mum was. I hope you can see we all have vastly different living experiences to you.
We dont know your area. I would suggest that you take a loose lead from friends in your area with children similar age to yours as a guide. Would that be helpful? So let them be tbe first to suggest a sleep over for example. Or see when they are allowed to walk to school by themselves or if they have to go with other friends rather than walking alone.

@notacooldad so far I haven't been able to see a pattern but maybe I will once ds1 is at school.

A 5yo playing in a secure garden (definitely not being able to get into the front) with no open ponds should be fine. Unless you have a sheer rockface, or a well or something.....

A 5yo playing in a secure garden (definitely not being able to get into the front) with no open ponds should be fine. Unless you have a sheer rockface, or a well or something.....

The sleep-over question always intrigues me. There is a view of treating other adults with suspicion - you do realise those other adults view you the same way? Statistically, a child is more likely to come to harm in their own house by the hand of their own family than by strangers.

@TwoAndAnOnion it's nothing to do with being suspicious about another parent. I wouldn't let him go to a persons house at all if I thought the parents were dodgy.
He's never been invited to a sleepover. It was just a general question. He's started asking for sleepovers with friends. Personally just now I reckon he'd think he'd love it then when it came to bedtime he'd want to be at home.

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in. 5 or 6

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home. 8?

Go to local shop by themselves.8

Have a sleepover at a friends house. 5 - if its a friend and family we know very well

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying. do you mean without me staying? My daughter does this now, she is 4. If you mean a play date with no adult in the house, 8

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window) 5 or 6 if they're sensible

Play in whole garden including front by themselves. depends on whether the front garden is by a road, is fenced in or not etc

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too). 8

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins. 8

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours. 10

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours. 10

Stay at home by themselves all day. 12

These all depend on the child and the location of course, in my case I'm talking about sensible child in small town Finland

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in. 4, in a toddler bath in the next room while she talked constantly - if she was quiet for a second I dashed back in

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home. - 4, park right across the road from our house, so long as the other neighbourhood children were there as well

Go to local shop by themselves. - 6

Have a sleepover at a friends house. - 7

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying. - I think it was 4 years old, with the neighbourhood kids, they were all in and out of all the houses

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window) - 3 but it was a tiny back garden that I could see all of it all the time from the lounge

Play in whole garden including front by themselves. - 4, communal front garden

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too). - 6, was a 40 minute walk but only one road to cross, right at the school

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins. - 6, had no choice at the time but worked out fine

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours. - I think DD was 7 when she first stayed home for a longer period

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours. 6 though it wasn't for a couple of hours, she let herself in and I came back 30-60 minutes later

Stay at home by themselves all day. - Probably would let her around 12 or 13. She'd be fine now at 10 but there's no need

I also wonder if Covid has put a halt on some things that he already would have been doing in normal life like play dates at friends houses.
I'm pretty sure I'd trust him not to be silly and to listen to the friends parent etc. certainly nursery have never had any issues with him. Just something this age group have probably missed out on entirely and play dates without a parent there feel like the first step before sleepovers and over freedoms etc.

[quote shouldistop]@TwoAndAnOnion it's nothing to do with being suspicious about another parent. I wouldn't let him go to a persons house at all if I thought the parents were dodgy.
He's never been invited to a sleepover. It was just a general question. He's started asking for sleepovers with friends. Personally just now I reckon he'd think he'd love it then when it came to bedtime he'd want to be at home. [/quote]
How about trying a sleepover with a close friend near home, so that if he gets upset at bedtime you could come and pick him up.

My daughter is 4 and has a little friend who we have known since they were both tiny babies. We can see their house from ours and have been on holiday together, we know the parents really well. I wouldn't have an issue with her sleeping over there at the age of 5 and if she got upset I could just cross the road and pick her up.

It depends so much.

My 3 year old (nearly 4) has sleepovers, but we know the friend and parent very well, and the children are like siblings, and were friends before they could walk.

Likewise, they've been having playdates without they other parent staying for a couple of years, because of occasionally helping out with childcare with eachother etc.

Other friends will have to wait longer.

I let my 3 and 2 year old play on the garden without me being there, but only if I'm in the kitchen where I can generally see them, and I keep an eye on them.

If the garden was huge, it there were dangers, it would be different.

There are so many variables.

There are

Some of the things on your list really depend on the consensus amongst local parents as well. For context I've moved a lot. Three homes ago, it was common for preschool children to go on sleepovers... But it was a very close community. Two homes ago it was more of a Yr2+ (7yo) thing. Then for the last year, we've been ruled by Covid. (So my younger DD hasn't been on a sleepover since she was 4 and is now 8!)

Shops... Well my 9yo goes to the shop alone, or with 8yo, if we need a couple of small things. Two minutes walk. 8yo not allowed to go alone yet... She's not as reliable as her elder sister. Very easily distracted. They go to park together, but no roads to cross. They would come home regularly to check in.

Walking to and from school... DD1 would if I wasn't dropping off her sister at the same time. I can see the school from my window, and the road has a lollipop lady.

Staying home alone... Only if I'm in walking distance.

Playing in the garden... They have from very young.

Basically you have to train them to be responsible. You can't just suddenly give them independence.

I think with the garden you are being overly cautious- mine love having a potter outside and I generally watch from the window as don’t always want to be out there.I’d be very happy dropping off my reception-aged child for play dates with children/parents I know well and have been since about 31/2. I’d probably come in for a first one. My daughter is desperate for a sleepover and I think she’d be totally fine but I don’t think her friends would be so I’d be saying no for a little while longer.

As others have said, very many variables go into it, but here is about when we did for our DC

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in- Not applicable, by age 6 no baths but showered by themselves. As teens, they would take a Bath now and then.

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home- Not applicable in country so no parks.

Go to local shop by themselves- Local shop accesssible by bicycle only, so around age 10-11

Have a sleepover at a friends house- around 7

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying- around 5

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window)- around 8, again garden not enclosed so it’s walk out and right into fields and forests.

Play in whole garden including front by themselves.- ? See above

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too).- Not applicable school is not in walking distance.

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins.- 8 or so

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours.- 8 or so

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours.- 10 or so

Stay at home by themselves all day.- 10 or so

There's 2 local families who ive noticed allow their children more freedom than perhaps the norm. They seem like great parents and their children are sensible and polite. I've still heard other parents talking about them at the park though Parents probably can't win either way.

@Dustyhedge I think I am too. I wouldn't be watching from the window, I'd either be busy with the baby / housework and unless he stayed in a small section of the garden I wouldn't be able to see him. I'd check on him now and again though. I think I'm most worried about him annoying the neighbours by chatting to them

No sleepovers here
I have to endure 2 days of a grumpy child so I say No.
Backyard- go play
Walking to school- clued up child 9+
Going to shops or wondering off - Never alone until we know the area.
Stay at home for any length of time- 14 is our countries legal age and so I follow this.

I am unfamiliar to our new area and feel torn between not wanting to helicopter parent but let our kids be themselves and have freedom
I would let a 4 yr old play alone outside most of the time they will check in and call you when they need or miss a parent close by or be outside within ear shot.

I've let him play outside with me watching from door before obviously. My mum thought it was the height of irresponsibility.

Some if these really do depend on the area and child. I have 2 DC, 4 and 5

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in. they do this now at 4 and 5 and have done for a year. They bath together, and I put washing away, sort clothes out etc while popping in and out. Small house, noisy children so I can hear them

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home. local park is a mile away along a quite dangerous country road, so I really can't put an age on this one

Go to local shop by themselves. as above . If it was round the corner and I could see them across the road, maybe 8?

Have a sleepover at a friends house. DC1 has had his 5yr old friend for a sleepover, he hasn't been back yet but no issues with it

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying. 2? Close friends, see a lot of

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window) again, they do this now but I'm usually in the kitchen with the door open, or gardening in a different part. They could go out alone if they wanted though

Play in whole garden including front by themselves. front isn't fenced so I wouldn't allow this, also not really a play area

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too). 8 i think, if I knew other parents and would probably buddy up with another parent to take it in turns to supervise

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins. Difficult, my 2 annoy each other and argue/fight. If it were 1 child, 9 or 10

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours. secondary school age i think

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours. again, secondary school age

Stay at home by themselves all day. 13/14

I suspect we would have this problem as I'm far more laid back than my OH.

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in. - 5

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home. - 8

Go to local shop by themselves. - 7/8

Have a sleepover at a friends house. - 4

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying. - 2/3

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window) - 4/5

Play in whole garden including front by themselves. - 6

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too). - 8/9

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins. - 9

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours. - 10

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours. - 10

Stay at home by themselves all day. - 11/12

@TwoAndAnOnion

The sleep-over question always intrigues me. There is a view of treating other adults with suspicion - you do realise those other adults view you the same way? Statistically, a child is more likely to come to harm in their own house by the hand of their own family than by strangers.

Perhaps the impact on the child's lack of sleep or health problems are not worth it more so than not trusting another parent. We only have 1 day a week without commitments so sometimes it does not fit in. Or the kids with on going head lice- I'm not putting up with that for a sleep over. Or yes the parents who drink often with little care for the young children who do need supervised. How about the loose parents who let kids do as they please- no thanks I do not want to risk that for a sleep over. Meanwhile on a sleepover who was still awake up after 11pm "I'm just patting the cat" because they we not tired yet my child was sound asleep. omg I was struggling to keep myself awake to make sure the kid was ok. Some situations do not suit all for a sleep over. I'd rather keep my job and sanity

Have a bath by themselves with door open / popping in.

4 with adult pottering close by on the same floor

Play at local park by themselves with adult crossing the road then going back to walk home.

If they’re not old enough to cross the road by themselves to get to the park then I don’t think I’d be happy to leave them there without an adult tbh. A local park right on the doorstep though, I’d say 6.

Go to local shop by themselves.

I’d say 8 generally though our “local” shop is @ a 12 minute walk each way with two busy roads to cross so in reality it’s something dd only started to do at 10.

Have a sleepover at a friends house.

The MN thing of sleepovers with various school friends isn’t something I’m familiar with, it doesn’t seem to be as much of a thing here. DCs had “sleepovers” with their cousins from age 3 though obviously that’s a family member so maybe doesn’t count. DD has sleepovers with her best friend and has done since @ 8/8.5 but we’d got to know her family well and have become friends. DS has only had sleepovers with cousins.

Have a play date at a friends house without a parent staying.

I’d say 4 but similar to the sleepover thing, formal, organised play dates aren’t so much of a thing and we tended to socialise mostly with family groups when ours were that age.

Play in back garden by themselves (large garden, can't see all of it from window)

From toddlerhood assuming enclosed, no obvious dangers like a pond, open garden shed or an escape route . That said the back door would be open and parent in close proximity, checking regularly.

Play in whole garden including front by themselves.

Totally depends on how safe it is ie enclosed, is it a quiet street with neighbours you know or a busy one with lots of people walking past? Our front is mostly driveway so we stuck to the back garden.

Walk to school by themselves (5 minute walk, only road to cross is from our street onto the street the school is at, can be busy with parents but lots of people walking too).

8 though dc school a) isn’t walking distance and b) asks that an adult drop off and pick up until age 10.

Stay at home by themselves for 30 mins.

Either of mine would have been fine from 9 I think but in reality then 9 year old dd had a 7 year old brother so wouldn’t have been ok to leave both and now nearly 10 year old ds has an 11.5 year old sister so hasn’t been left alone. It just hasn’t come up that both dh and I and one dc all needed to be elsewhere at the same time.

Stay at home by themselves for 2 hours.10/11 depending on how sensible the child is*

Let themselves in after school for a couple of hours. 11

Stay at home by themselves all day. *My eldest or even both together (11.5 and nearly 10) would probably be ok now but I’d be more comfortable with 12 and even then preferably only the odd day and not every day for say, the school holidays.

We've not done all of these yet but a playdate without a parent i think was 5 but with a trusted friend. Home alone for 30 minutes was 10, as was a nearby park with a friend. Playing outside alone - 5. A bath alone with a parent popping in and out - I used to put washing away in her bedroom right next to the bathroom with both doors wide open (right angles) so I could see her all the time, when she was 4. She had her first sleepover at 9.