To think a 12 year old should be able to open a jam jar

[Strawberryjamforever]

My 12 year old is neurodiverse. He has pretty severe ADHD and is generally thought to be on the autistic spectrum (by his paediatrician and by us) though towards the 'mild' end if that makes sense.

But there's something weird with his hands that I can't figure out. He can't ever open jars or simple snap-top water bottles. What on earth is that about? I can't figure it out. His much younger sister literally opens drinks bottles for him. He even struggles with a ring-pull can. I've tried coaching him, showing him how to grip etc and he genuinely can't manage. He's reasonably sporty and strong so shouldn't have a muscle weakness. Handwriting is not great but ok. Other motor skills fine - walked at 1, cycled at 5, keen on sports if not particularly talented. Maybe a bit of a struggle buttering toast and using cutlery in the past but seems ok now. I don't get it... is it normal for a 12 year old boy to not be able to use his hands like this?

My child is not NT and one thing they had an issue with was locking and unlocking doors, they knew how to do it but struggled every time up until around the age of 15, there was never an obvious reason for the problem.

@Penchantforfloralpatterns Oh wow - so you know what? My DS can’t unlock the front door either! It’s a pain as I can’t send him back in for forgotten school books etc if we are in the car about to leave, I have to go with him. And if we are out for a walk or whatever he can’t run home as he can’t get in!

Just to throw more confusion on... I’m hyper mobile and can’t open jars, DS is hyper mobile and has muscle hypotonia, which does mean his fine motor control isn’t good - he opens them for me - his hands are much bigger than mine though.

My son is autistic and also has dyspraxia, he's aged 11 yrs now. I've found he struggles with movements which are more complex involving more than one skill.

So, for example, pedalling a bike is very tricky because you have to move your legs and co-ordinate that movement while also exerting pressure and muscular force. Too complicated for my DS. He can't open a jam jar either. Can occasionally do a ring pull but has to concentrate very very hard. Door locks are impossible for him.

There are different types of movements - fine motor and gross motor. It's possible to be dyspraxic but have your gross motor skills affected more significantly than your fine motor skills.

I also have a DD, my DC are actually twins. She is autistic but doesn't have dyspraxia. She has lovely handwriting. But she was assessed for dyspraxia because she struggles when co-ordinating whole body movements. She has to practice movements before being able to do them. At school she ran into other pupils (who were standing still), the wall, and fell of a step. Again, it's that complexity of movement which is challenging. She can do all the components individually but when she has to put them together it's very hard. She wasn't diagnosed with dyspraxia but as part of her autism, they noted she struggles with co-ordinating the different movements and has limited awareness of her bodily position and movement.

I agree with previous posters.

An OT will be able to identify exactly what he needs to be able to carry out the task, but there are loads of gadgets to help, it's a matter of trying to find the right type for his specific needs.

We have the same problems and more in our house, think we have or have tried every gadget there is!

Do shop around for price, the same gadget can vary a lot in price between different sellers. Here are a few ideas for things people have mentioned.

Bottle and jar openers
www.completecareshop.co.uk/kitchen-aids/kitchen-aids-and-gadgets/bottle-jar-openers

Tin openers
www.completecareshop.co.uk/kitchen-aids/kitchen-aids-and-gadgets/can-and-tin-openers

To stop things slipping on a table or worksurface while he's trying to open them, cut to whatever size you need.
www.millercare.co.uk/stayput-non-slip-fabric-roll/

Key turners
www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/search?query=Key%20turners
www.completecareshop.co.uk/daily-living-aids/key-turners

Oxo do a range of utensils called 'Good Grips' which I've found are great, they aren't marketed as for disability so are widely available.

Also check out plug pullers for electric plugs.

If you can afford it I would pay to see a private OT

I have a condition that causes hypermobility and I walked early, met all my mile stones , I also have asd and adhd . Only way it really affected me in Childhood was my hands and that I was a bit clumsy and suffered a lot of sprains. It didn't become a huge problem until puberty and my parents never noticed nor did any doctor or teacher. So it is common not to notice of its subtle.

I did some quick checks with him this morning and I don’t think he’s hypermobile. He has more wrist movement than me so can bend his thumb or pinky closer to his wrist than I can (but I’m old and stiff) but nowhere near what my husband can do which is make them touch. No bendy elbows or fingers on their own. Just nothing that really screamed hyper mobile to me so the mystery continues.

My 11 yo DS pretends to struggle with things when he cba doing it in the hope someone will come do it for him. Could it be this?

Very common to dismiss problems like dyspraxia based on my the absence of some typical issues. There are many facets to dyspraxia and sometimes a child many have a profound developmental coordination disorder with one or two facets but the others can be fine or even better than average. Get a specialist assessment if you possibly can.
Our SEN was adamant one year that everything was fine then suggested a couple later that there might be something worth checking - some profound issues were discovered that were being masked by above average capabilities elsewhere. It is so valuable to know what you are dealing with sometimes.

My 11 yo DS pretends to struggle with things when he cba doing it in the hope someone will come do it for him. Could it be this?

Haha I could EASILY believe this of my son! I don’t think this is the case though as he does things like buy a bottle of water from school at lunch and bring it home as he can’t open it and I’ve seen him really battling with jam till he was about ready to hurl it on the floor. But I do get what you mean.

@jebthesheep Thank you, it does make me wonder if it’s some kind of very specifically presenting dyspraxia.

Is he left handed or at least does everything else left handed so when he tries with the right hand its opposite - like doing it backwards and confusing.

Maybe he's just a bit of a wally (in the nicest possible way) or likes someone to help him. Sometimes kids are just strange for no real reason! It must be tempting to link it to ADHD but maybe it's just a "him" thing that he'll grow out of. Wouldn't it be sad if every tiny little bit of individualism had to have a label x

Low muscle tone? It can affect specific parts of the body

He might not have hand / wrist / forearm strength. Dad can’t open anything and has never been able to do it - Mum used to open everything for him and still does.

Here are some things that might help him:

For bottles I love this, it helps with reduced the grip - just don't lose it 😉 https://www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/eating-drinking-aids/non-slip-mats-and-grips/dycem-bottle-opener

I also like these that do different sizes but less portable https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08L21VJQX/ref=cmswwrcppawdbimmm_VF1JE250JD9VBWCRHHZE

Then for keys /locks there are a couple of options, one more discreet than the other: www.completecareshop.co.uk/daily-living-aids/key-turners

If he earnestly tries these things you might know if it's more functional deficit or laziness that's the issue 😉

My DS Is hypermobile and can't even open a milk carton. But he can with a grippy cloth thing. Could you get one for your son?

My son has (mild if I'm allowed to say that) ASD and ADHD and had always had poor fine motor skills. This was perpetuated by the fact that he could not focus on anything that required sitting still so he lost the chance to develop them - his primary teacher recommended colouring, hamma beads, plasticine etc but he would not engage with any of that.

He was at secondary school before he could tie laces, open drinks (unless there was very little resistance) and open crisp packets. He can write but his writing is very poor and also very slow. He saw an occupational therapist last year who basically said it would be really difficult for him to develop better fine motor skills now. He is 16.

Interestingly, there has been no mention of him being hypermobile, although I am (and i could do all those things - I do struggle with jar lids now though as I have arthritis in my hypermobile thumbs!)

I am 28 with autism and can’t do any of those things. Can’t tie shoelaces either.

No co-occuring conditions- fine motor skills are a know issue for people with autism. I was asked in my assessment (aged 24) about some of these skills and this was part of my diagnosis

South Warwickshire NHS have some fantastic freely downloadable resources that can help identify and support particular areas of fine motor difficulty so it may be worth having a look to see if all the other skills are as expected. If you go to www.swift.nhs.uk there is a 'Which Programme' section which contains a checklist to look at specific areas of motor skill development. There are then programmes for hand strength for example if this was identified as an area of difficulty. It's worth a look and may be helpful in providing further info to look to an OT referral for example.

Oops mistake in link. It's www.swft.nhs.uk

... it's still not taking you straight there. Google South Warwickshire NHS Trust fine motor...that should do it!

I used to babysit a boy with autism who had similar issues - struggled to unlock a door, wash his hair, close a box, put on a DVD etc. He didn't really use much verbal communication, so teaching him new things was sometimes hard. He was 9 - 10 years old when I worked with him.

Two things that I noticed were particularly hard for him:

1. He didn't know how much pressure / force to apply. So if he wanted to unlock a door, he would touch the key and then the door handle, because he knew that was the correct order. But he wouldn't grasp the key and turn it.
2. He found it hard to learn by imitation. So even if I demonstrated something multiple times really clearly, he wasn't able to learn to do it himself.

I ended up teaching him a couple of things using a hand-over-hand technique. For example, he had a jack-in-the-box toy that you had to press down hard to close the box. He would try again and again pushing the lid shut, but not hard enough to close it. I showed him how to press harder until it clicked, but he still couldn't do it. But when I closed it with him by pressing his hands down until he felt the box click shut, he could do it by himself after 1 demonstration. I think he needed to physically feel the feedback from the box to understand what to do.

Could you try something similar with your son? Cupping one of his hands around a (just) closed jar, placing his other hand on top and curling the fingers round the lid, then helping him to make the twisting motion to undo the lid? Sometimes you need a bit more feedback about what it's actually supposed to feel like to pick up on a skill. He might be trying to press the jar too much, or squeezing the lid rather than twisting, or twisting the wrong wrist, or not gripping the lid tightly enough, or just not able to co-ordinate all the different actions together.

I don't think hand-over-hand teaching is generally recommended, but in this specific case, where there's a skill he really wants to have (opening a jar) and he hasn't been able to learn by observation or demonstration, it might help him to have it demonstrated using his own hands from his own perspective?

Similar issue for my eldest who has autism and hypermobility. We found getting an OT assessment helpful.

My teen has hypermobility in his thumbs and can't open bottles. He does this thing where they kind of pop out.