Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

46 replies

Amatueuragonyaunt · 09/05/2021 15:46

Hi all, I don't post much on here but was hoping to get some different perspectives on something. My husband's best friend and his girlfriend are getting married this summer. DH has been asked to be best man, which is great. I'm quite creative and handy with a sewing machine so have been asked if I would help out with decorating the venue, which of course I am. I'm also on standby to help adjust bridesmaid dresses if needed. Also, the couple have a small daughter who our two children play nicely with and the bride keeps saying she really hopes they will be able to keep their daughter amused on the day. Bride and I only know each other through the men, but do socialise all together and have met on our own (back when we were allowed). I wouldn't have said we were very close, but clearly close enough that I have been asked to help out. However, I've just found out I've not been asked to the hen do. In many ways I'm not too concerned but part of me is a bit miffed that I'm being asked to do favours on the one hand but excluded socially on the other. I know no details so it may just be a really small gathering, which I totally get, so perhaps should not be offended, but I can't help it! Am I being too sensitive? I'm also worried now that on the day my husband will be kept really busy and I'll just be a glorified babysitter. Sounds awful, but I'm slightly less inclined to want to help out with the other things now as well. Perhaps that's just me being a cow, but am I wrong to be a little hurt by this?

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 09/05/2021 16:45

Id be annoyed by this too.

The only exception is if it turns out to be a tiny, very small or niche hen do where it is literally bridesmaids and family going for a meal or something.
If it’s a proper hen do with lots of friends of friends and aunties and work colleagues then yeah I’d find your lack of invite really rude - you should be extended one based on helping towards the wedding for sure.

Original poster

Amatueuragonyaunt · 09/05/2021 16:54

No, I'm not being paid. Sewing is more of a hobby than anything else - my actual job is totally separate. That said, I have made things for family members in my spare time, including a wedding dress on one occasion.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 09/05/2021 17:14

@greeneyedlulu no, she didn't mention it! It was an afternoon tea type thing and was only really female family members. Mum assumed I'd be there and it didn't come up in conversation.

Atalune · 09/05/2021 17:18

I think you’re being sensitive.

Not every female gets invited to the hen. Usually bridesmaids and close female mates. That’s it.

I wouldn’t care myself.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 09/05/2021 17:26

I totally get why you're miffed. Surely even if she wasn't planning it she would tell whoever is who she wants invited. Maybe it is very small though and she will have something else closer to the wedding you would be invited to, or she's planning to get you a gift to say thank you.

OwlTwitterings · 09/05/2021 17:31

I would find out who is going to the hen do first of all. If just bride, bridesmaids, mother of the bride and groom’s mother then I wouldn’t mind. If lots of people, then I’d back off with the help and refuse to take responsibility for her DC during the wedding.

Ilovelove · 09/05/2021 17:33

My DH was best man at a wedding.
I wasn’t invited to the hen do.
Didn’t think anything of it ..:until I found out all the other female partners of the groom’s men had been invited. Then I was upset!!

I think you need to find out if it’s her friends, mum, sister etc or if it’s a larger less intimate affair before you decide if she is a piss taker or not. If it’s the latter you need to put some boundaries in.

Original poster

Amatueuragonyaunt · 09/05/2021 17:37

I guess that's the thing - I just don't know who else is going or how to find out. I get the impression that it's quite a few, but that's from second hand conversation and I could have misunderstood.

OP posts:

user648482729 · 09/05/2021 17:37

It all depends on how big the hen do is; if it’s big then I’d be upset that it was ok for me to be asked to help out to save money but not to go to the hen do. However it might just be a very small thing with a handful of close friends and then a bit odd for you to be asked. If I was then I’d be thinking of getting you a nice gift to say thank you at the wedding and think that was the right thing to do. It never actually occurred to me to ask my DHs best mans girlfriend to my hen do although she wasn’t doing any jobs for wedding.

Nancydrawn · 09/05/2021 17:40

Whatever you decide, OP, I don't think you should offer your daughters as babysitters during the wedding. That's very unfair of her to suggest, and she sounds passive aggressive not asking directly.

Aprilwasverywet · 09/05/2021 17:43

Retreat and take your dc and sewing machine with you...
Cf the lot of them.

Original poster

Amatueuragonyaunt · 09/05/2021 18:24

Update: I now know a bit more and it sounds like it's all been organised by the maid of honour with very little input from the bride after all. I don't know the maid of honour so I guess it's just a case of taking it on the chin. I feel a bit better for knowing it's not a deliberate snub though.

OP posts:

greeneyedlulu · 09/05/2021 19:59

[quote SE13Mummy]@greeneyedlulu no, she didn't mention it! It was an afternoon tea type thing and was only really female family members. Mum assumed I'd be there and it didn't come up in conversation.[/quote]
How bizarre! Your poor mum being there thinking you would turn up! Did she ask where you were on the day?

CombatBarbie · 09/05/2021 20:09

Have you and the DCs received an invite for the actual wedding. In fact scrap that, seen you said she hopes your DC will entertain hers on the day.

To be honest the bride may be having minimal input on the hen do, however she has surely been involved in the guest list and your name must be popping up in wedding conversation??

This thread sounds oddly familiar.

Cryalot2 · 09/05/2021 20:30

You are being used . You are doing all that sewing and not paid, that is just wrong. As for expecting you to look after little ones . You are not remotely insensitive .
My sewing machine would develop a fault that would take a long time to fix.
Just do not be a babysitter and re think being an unpaid dress maker.

greeneyedlulu · 09/05/2021 20:30

@Amatueuragonyaunt

I would have the thought the bride would at least talk to the MOH and say these are people I want to invite and here are their phone numbers. Granted she might not know the actual details but surely the bride has an input on the guest list for a hen do?

Purpleweeks · 09/05/2021 20:37

I think it depends on the hen do, if it is a large group with a mix of friends from different places, then I probably would think she should invite you but in the current climate it is probably more likely a small affair with a small group that know each other well, in which case it would be is to invite you as you aren't that close and probably wouldn't know anyone else.

DungeonKeeper · 09/05/2021 20:39

I always assumed the bride would provide a list of who they would want to invite on their hen, that’s what I did anyway.

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 20:43

OP,

That is a huge amount of work for an acquaintance.

BUT it also sounds as if you are bring rounded up to be nanny on the day.

Minding someone else's children is much harder than your own, especially at a strange venue.

I would be leaving your children at home and kill that, it sounds like hell.

As for all the decorations and dress alterations.

I think you are going to be totally take advantage of.

A hen do would NOT make up for what is being asked of you IMO.

Be very wary.
You are being asked to do a huge amount of work for free.
Is that your wedding gift?
If not, it bloody should be!

HollowTalk · 10/05/2021 11:10

Surely the MoH would speak to the bride about who was going to be there? How would she know who to invite?

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 11:12

@Amatueuragonyaunt

MOH should be asking the bride for a list of people to invite

Flip

1 2