DH downloading Porn - but not having sex with me

[Bluedeblue]

Anyone had any experience of this? Did you turn things around, and if so, how?

About 4 weeks ago, I went on to his laptop (with his permission), as mine was away getting fixed, and I had to do an on-line grocery shop for my elderly Dad. Found loads of porn. He had downloaded 33 videos of one particular lady, and even made a folder for them, named with her initials.

We've had sex 3 times since last November. Always instigated by me. We had sex 11 times in 2020, again, mostly instigated by me.

When I found the porn, I wrote him a letter, saying how gutted I was, and that I focus all my sexual energy in his direction, and how it feels like he is looking outside of the marriage for his gratification.

Big talk followed, he deleted the porn, was very apologetic and promised to change. Since then, we've had sex once (in several weeks). Instigated by me.

Last night, after too many drinks, I brought the subject up again (the lack of sex), and mentioned how hurt I'd been by the porn, especially the one lady he made a file for. He didn't want to talk about it (I get it - never great after too many drinks), so he went away for a cigarette and stayed away so long that I just went up to bed.

This morning I'm getting the silent treatment. He's stuck in his room playing X box and hasn't spoken to me even when passing. He will go to work at 2.30pm, and I won't see him again until tomorrow.

For context, he is 48, and I am 51.

YABU - leave him alone, it's his decision about his own sex life

YANBU - he needs to sort this out and focus on making things better in the bedroom

Regardless of your views on porn, the lack of sexual effort in your direction isn't on. He's obviously not lost interest in sex per se, so definitely a problem.

@Cheeserton He says he doesn't watch it much, and if he does it's only to try to get in the mood for me. However, he was downloading stuff when I was 350 miles away, with a dying parent.

If he downloaded so much of it then it's certainly rubbish what he's said there.

Watching porn is one thing (can't say I would be happy with that) but downloading multiple videos of one particular woman and storing them I actually think is almost on affair level.

Major attraction to one specific person, collecting videos of them instead of simpler porn streaming of nameless faceless bodies in videos is a much bigger betrayal. I'm afraid I would be questioning my relationship more due to that than porn in general.

My DH has a rubbish libido and we rarely have sex and when we do, it's usually instigated by me. I can just about live with that. Just. But if I found out he was getting his sexual gratification elsewhere instead I would be furious.

How long have you been together?

This doesn't sound good, op. I agree having a folder of videos of one particular woman is crossing a line. Is he affectionate in other ways? Do you still kiss and cuddle etc?

OhRene I have no idea if he's getting any gratification from it. He does not get much alone time. Lady in the folders was middle aged and not particularly attractive. As terrible as it sounds, I would say I am more attractive.

Mahrezis 12.5 years

LagneyandCasey Yes, he still kisses me before he goes to work - the kind of kiss reserved for a Partner only, not just a peck. The rest of our relationship is good. It's just this that's wrong. But it's a pretty big thing to me.