Husband shift worker and not helping

[MummyMrsMe]

Hi, first time poster so please be kind 😊

My husband works a shift pattern of 12 hour shift, two days on, two nights on followed by four days off. He find the nightshifts really hard and is looking for a new job.

When he is working he doesn't contribute much to sorting the children (age 6 and 3), household chores etc which I am OK with.

But I am finding myself really resentful of the fact he also doesn't contribute much when he is on his days off. He stays up really late at night so in the morning doesn't get up until after 9am. Kids are up at 7am, ergo so am I.

He says that because I go to bed early I have had more sleep so its only right I get up with them. But in my eyes, he has chosen to stay up late. He could go to bed earlier and get same amount of sleep as me, but he says it's because his body clock is all over the place because if his shifts.

I hate feeling resentful towards him, can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable to expect him to get up in the mornings when he isn't working? Really want to hear other perspectives.

Thanks in advance ☺

Depends what he does once he is up. Is he useful and taking full part in family life and splitting chores once he’s up at 9am?
If he is, then I would vote you as unreasonable, because shifts will mess with his sleep pattern and a lie in might be how he readjusts. If he’s an idle slob all day, then I’d vote the opposite way

I dont think that would bother me too much, it does sound hard and is going to be worse for your body the more you change your sleep patterns. So it depends on what he does when he is up and if he does his fair share plus taking them alone for a few hours to give you a rest as well

Generally once he gets up he is here but not really present. It's still me who gets them ready, sorts chores etc. He does play with them now and again but he gets a lot of down time whilst they follow me around like lost puppies.

Because they are so used to me being primary caregiver they tend to rebuff him if he tries to do something and then he just calls me to do it.

I hope I am being unreasonable, I hate being so irritated by it!

What is his commute time? With 12 hour shifts he could be out of the house for 14 hours a day so I don’t think you can reasonably expect much contribution to household tasks on his work days.

He must be sleeping a fair bit on his first day off after the night shift, which is to be expected so that day could be a bit of a write off.

That shift pattern is tough going, night shifts have a massive impact on the body so I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

His commute is 15 mins either way.
His first shift off nightshift, he sleeps until about 3pm and I don't expect him to contribute much at all on that day.

There are definite benefits to shift work but the downsides are taking there toll for sure. Hopefully he finds something he's happier in that not nightshifts soon!

So on day one, he sleeps until 3pm which means he will not be ready to go back to sleep when you go to bed. Even if he goes to bed at midnight, he’s only been awake for 9 hours!

I work shift op and it really does mess with your body clock. So if he finished his night shift on Friday morning and goes to bed it's actually not proper sleep!! Day sleeping goes against your circadian rhythm which is your internal body clock that tells you to sleep at night and be awake during the day. Its so impossible to then sleep properly that night because you've slept that day so Saturday is a write off!

Op I've done shift for 10 years for financial reasons and I'm also a mother of 2 and I can tell you working shift is really difficult on the body and it sounds as if he is not coping with it. I think you need to give him.a.break until he finds another job.