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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Think I’m not the stubborn one?

7 replies

Cial · 08/05/2021 22:48

Try and keep it as short as I can. Our department since last year has worked from home. I’m very good friends with a female colleague named Faye and also fairly friendly with a male colleague Mark.

Me and Faye would meet up once a week (when restrictions lifted) and sometimes Mark would join us - inviting himself through Faye as it was always me who had arranged it. Mark clearly fancies Faye and has sent suggestive messages to her - both these people have long term partners. Faye has stated that she’s shut down the messages each time and not interested in him that way. Could be lying but obviously I can only go on what she says.

Late last year Mark tried to get me into trouble over something very minor at work (think changing a drop down menu) by directly emailing my manager to complain about me. Thought was very petty when he could have just come to me over something so small. When confronted he was very passive aggressive and clearly enjoyed that it had got to me. We have not spoken since.

Now we are allowed to meet up again - me and Faye have met for dinner. Mark found out and was apparently very put out that he wasn’t invited and suggested to Faye she should smooth things over with me so that he’s invited next time but he would under no circumstances apologise to me.

I’ve stated in no uncertain terms that I’m not interested as makes no difference to me if he’s no longer in my life or not. I was then told by Faye that we are both as stubborn as each other.

Aibu to think I’m not being stubborn when I’m genuinely not interested in seeing this man (I’m actively looking for a new job too) and blatantly just being used by him (or maybe both) in order to be the cover up for them to see each other. As I highly doubt either of their partners would be ok with just them two meeting up for dinner - but with a third person there it’s much less obvious.

OP posts:
AlCalavicci · 09/05/2021 03:08

You could say that if both of them are so keen to go out to lunch together then they should go and you and Faye go on a different day.
Or you invite someone else to join the three of you to ease any tension . But on the whole I would tell them to both sling their hooks as you dont want to be the third wheel on their bike

BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 04:14

Mark is a sneaky underhanded Dick.. Faye fancies him and her loyalty is with Mark.

My money is on them communicating daily about you too.

Personally, I'd be ditching them both.

Cial · 09/05/2021 10:00

I’ve said they can meet up without me if they want because what do I care - as two consenting able adults they don’t need me to arrange their dinner and chaperone.

But then I’m told that Mark really wants to be my friend. Funny how he’d suddenly decided this now when lockdown has been lifted. Faye will also spin it to say that me and Mark are in fact closer - despite us rarely talking outside of work.

I doubt they talk about me daily but I clearly have been discussed.

OP posts:
Annetisa17 · 09/05/2021 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 09/05/2021 10:21

I don’t think it’s stubborn to decide you don’t want to be friends with someone at work. It’s not compulsory just because a second friend likes the person so you have to.

I suppose it’s up to Faye to decide if she’s happy meeting you both separately. It’s not your problem and it’s not unreasonable to not want to spend nonwork time with a coworker you don’t like.

I think my calm response to Faye is that if Mark wants to be my friend it’s a shame but I am not keen to extend the working relationship given the past, and that I’d be grateful if they both accepted that. If that means Faye doesn’t want to socialise with you alone, then you may have to accept that. Or if you really want to keep the peace meet Mark and Faye for in hours coffee/lunch breaks and Faye alone in your own time.

Cial · 09/05/2021 10:43

@ItsAllAboutTheParsley

I don’t think it’s stubborn to decide you don’t want to be friends with someone at work. It’s not compulsory just because a second friend likes the person so you have to.

I suppose it’s up to Faye to decide if she’s happy meeting you both separately. It’s not your problem and it’s not unreasonable to not want to spend nonwork time with a coworker you don’t like.

I think my calm response to Faye is that if Mark wants to be my friend it’s a shame but I am not keen to extend the working relationship given the past, and that I’d be grateful if they both accepted that. If that means Faye doesn’t want to socialise with you alone, then you may have to accept that. Or if you really want to keep the peace meet Mark and Faye for in hours coffee/lunch breaks and Faye alone in your own time.

Me and Faye have met up multiple times since me and Mark stopped speaking.

I just have no interested in meeting someone who only wants to use me as a buffer in order to see the woman he fancies.

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 18:50

Tell him to do one... sounds to me like Faye is using meeting with you as a front to meet with Mark too.

scammers

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