I hate leaving my bereaved mum at the weekend

[Stressedout65]

We lost our dad 4 months ago, he & my mum were married 50 years. My mum copes very well & is even cheerful if she is doing something nice with family. Me & my other family visit every weekend & have her one day each, we all work full time. Occasionally I'd just like a weekend at home with dh, not having to go anywhere or see anyone., even if no one else is available to visit her. Should I feel guilty for wanting or having a weekend off & to myself?

No you shouldn’t. It’s important when supporting a person that you don’t inadvertently neglect yourself. It’s a very very easy trap to fall into and long term it breeds unhappiness and resentment.
Have you talked to your mum? If she’s a generally reasonable person Im sure she won’t mind, you can’t do this indefinitely.

@OwlBeThere Yes I have talked to her & she agrees with me & places no expectations on us at all. She knows she has got to eventually make a new life and get used to the house feeling quiet & empty without my dad. It's just so hard to do & I feel so sorry for her; but I'm the sort of person who just needs a weekend to myself every now & then, even if I'm doing nothing

I think that’s totally reasonable four months on. Can you alternate weekends with your other family members though so she’s still getting very regular visits, and maybe give her an extra phone call or two during the week?

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers yes, she does have regular contact with other family members too. My sister is also able to spend a lot of time with her all week due to her shift patterns & is doing so but to the detriment of her own house. My dh is still furloughed so he does jobs for her in the week. I just work full time office hours so you think I would be able to manage one of the weekend days most weeks if I've got nothing else on. She is good company, no trouble & I love her very much, but this weekend I just want to lounge around all weekend doing not a lot & thinking about nothing. I've ran out of steam

Weekends can be the hardest time for the recently bereaved. There are things to do during the week (well there were before COVID, and hopefully again soon) but not much to do on your own at the weekend.

But one day over the weekend without a visit should be OK.

I think you and your family should come up with a schedule, so that she sees someone every weekend but not necessarily both days.

@Stressedout65 please don’t feel guilty. You need to recharge, that’s ok. If your mum needs you she can phone.

If your cup is empty, there is nothing to help your mum. Take some time out every few weeks to rest, recharge, and spend time with your children.

It's also important to be careful your mum doesn't create a dependency on her children. I moved home in my mid twenties to live with my parents while my mum was dying. After she died, I stayed to look after my dad as very deeply depressed. Ultimately moved out after a year as my dad needed to start living for himself and had to find his own way. Obviously not the same scenario, but I would suggest to keep in mind.

I absolutely know what you mean. My parents were married for over 60 years and were each other's reason for being. My Dad died 6 weeks ago so my mother is now on her own.

Having to leave her after I have stayed is soooo hard but I live a three hour drive away and do have my own family to consider too. I spent about a month living at my parents' house while my Dad was very ill in hospital and when he died. Then more time when we held the funeral, alternating with my sister in the meantime (neither of us lives near her).

I now visit about every third weekend and my sister goes up a couple of times a week. It's what we can manage.

My mother has carers who come in three times a day so she does see people. She doesn't drive anymore due to health reasons though and is not very mobile. She has now put her name down for a flat in sheltered accommodation and is really eager to get moving there as soon as they can have her because she still feels very isolated now where she is.

We will visit when we can wherever she is, but you are right. We all need time to recharge. Don't feel guilty. You can always phone your mother, and she can phone you. Then you can still have a good chinwag.

So sorry for your loss, Stressedout65

This is very early days and your mum sounds so grounded, if you can be, in her bereavement.

The suggestions made upthread to have a rota are excellent, they will give her a routine of support and you some respite. The silence after a bereavement can be deafening, as I can attest, but you will not be as good a supporter of your mum if you are depleted.

You don't mention your loss, your bereavement in the death of your dad. While some of this can be alleviated by being with your mum, her loss is not yours. It's her husband but your dad. Not the same, though not in competition.

Many

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, and I’m so sorry for your loss . It’s so hard, isn’t it? I feel terribly guilty that I don’t offer enough support to my bereaved parent but I genuinely try as much as possible. Sunday lunch, or a Saturday, or arranging spurious reasons to meet/go/do/collect/drop-off. But working and children responsibilities are time-consuming and logistics are harder now activities and school is back on, and I’m in the office. Mine sounds very similar to your mum in that they are adamant I mustn’t neglect my own family but the guilt is terrible.

I was widowed ten months ago. I have made sure I had nice things booked in regularly with family and friends, and my family and friends really stepped up for me, which is lovely. Your mum sounds very capable and I am sure will understand that you need time for your own immediate family some weekends. All I would say is to plan for this and don't suddenly cancel on her, as I would have found that difficult.