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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sport and fun before everything else

24 replies

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 21:38

I’m probably going to massively ramble here so please bear with me and just had an argument with DH.

9 year old son, sport obsessed. Struggling at a very academic independent school and needs to get his head straight for the 11+

He does cricket on Monday, occasionally cricket on Wednesday, football on Thursday, cricket on Friday, football on Saturday, cricket on Sunday. I’ve been quite lenient the last few weeks with Friday night cricket as I’m glad everything is getting back to normal so they’ve been coming back late. I said to DH please don’t keep him too late as he has a league football match tomorrow and needs to rest. The league can be quite tough, he plays v teams a year older than him so quite competitive.

The two of them stroll in tonight at 8.45 with DH declaring “me and DS are getting a curry” after he’s had a few drinks down the cricket club and is quite Merry. I said no way is he waiting up 45 mins plus for a curry when he has a match tomorrow. You should have brought him back earlier so he could eat and get to bed at a reasonable time.

Apparently IABU. I’m just so fed up with sport dominating everything, I think DS must be knackered and not getting proper rest in the weekends. This then spills into the week and he loses focus on schoolwork and quite frankly doesn’t take it seriously as sport dominates everything.

Sorry for the rant. I play sport myself so I know how important it is but not at all costs.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 07/05/2021 22:05

It's not the sport that's the issue but your DH including a 9 year old in his night out. He could have brought him home and then gone out for a drink. Or you pick DS up after training and DH stays and had a few drinks.

If he loves sport and is struggling at an academic focussed school maybe you need to think about what secondary school he goes to. Perhaps heavily academic isn't for him?

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:11

Yes thank you. I said exactly that. Why not bring him home and then you go back? I would have to deal with grumpy DS feeling like it was unfair I guess but at least it would set the right tone.

I have also been thinking about the right school. I think he won’t get the school of his choice where his friends are going, it is a real concern. But I want to make sure I have at least set him up to give it his best shot if you know what I mean, rather than allowing this party/sport lifestyle to continue.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:12

Also to add other kids are still there late but they don’t DJ as much other sport as my DS nor are they preparing for the 11+

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 07/05/2021 22:16

How does DS feel about it? Does he understand that he needs rest to do well at football tomorrow? Does he care? Would he like to give up the football?

I think you want to be careful that his life isn't entirely driven by sport and the 11+. It is a shame that a 9 year old can't stay out and have fun on a Friday once in a while because he's got so much competitive sport/homework to do!

stressfuljune · 07/05/2021 22:19

My kids play sport most nights and go to bed at 10. Youngest is 9. They cope ok. But they also sometimes stay up later and at 9 years old who cares if they don't play great the next day. No one keeps the score at that age. It's development stage football. Let him chill a bit

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:24

For the sport it’s tough because he has to commit to training and matches. So that eats up quite a lot of time. I have said to him if he wants to drop one of the sports I am fine with that, he just needs to choose. He said he wants to carry on with both.

Re the school, I think he will be gutted if he doesn’t get to join his friends at secondary school. I do know the school has to be the right fit for him and we don’t want to push him and have him miserable later. the one he wants to go to is not the most academic locally and certainly not the most difficult, it is more of an all round school with great sport facilities but is still very competitive to get into.

So I feel we should be guiding him more around this. Not just letting him do whatever he wants and then feel regret later.

I will add that I came from a council estate state school background so I am probably projecting that I would have loved the opportunities he had which were totally unreachable for me. Being very honest here so please be kind!

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 07/05/2021 22:28

It's fair enough OP, it's a hard to find the right balance. You want him to be happy now (staying out with Dad), but also happy later (getting in to the same school as his friends) and he can't necessarily have both.

Could you explain it to him? Is he a child who would understand that if he stays out late Friday, then he needs an early night Saturday and has to commit to a bit of 11+ prep on Sunday. Find a compromise with him maybe.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:29

@stressfuljune. Thanks. I don’t care about the score. Last weekend he had a very tough full on football match after a late Friday night and was crying his eyes out afterwards. It was a combination of the physicality of the game and the fact that they lost. I think he could cope more with these scenarios if he was well rested, the same as we do as adults.

But you are making me think. Maybe I am being too harsh. School holidays I am very relaxed and let him totally decompress. Term time I feel like we need more boundaries is all.

OP posts:

PugInTheHouse · 07/05/2021 22:32

I think YABU, he's 9. If he is struggling now then it isn't the right school for him TBH. If he's tired for a league football match at 9 YO it's not the end of the world either.

My DSs have always played sport this regularly from age 8 and 6. They still do at 15 and 13. It is really important to them. DS1 is very academic so is lucky that he can play sport every day and still do well at school, DS2 not as academic so maybe from Y10 he will have to cut back for a short time but we'll see. I have found that often the kids that can focus well on sport or music or anything that requires discipline seem to cope better at school as they understand how working hard gets results.

Personally if one of my DSs was not able to easily pass the 11+ then I would not be pushing them as they are likely to be behind constantly.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:32

@NuffSaidSam this is helping a lot thank you. I need to construct in my head how to approach this with him rather than just ranting about him staying out late and being tired. He just thinks I’m being mean.

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hamstersarse · 07/05/2021 22:35

It sounds like your DS and DH have a lovely relationship

Think that's worth more than an exam 2 years from now.

PugInTheHouse · 07/05/2021 22:36

I agree that it would be good to talk to him and at least he can understand the implications of his/DHs decisions.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/05/2021 22:39

I think there are a few issues. At 9 he shouldn't really have to take school work seriously other than behaving well and concentrating in school. If he's doing this and stil struggling the issue is probably he's not a good fit for the school. He shouldn't be worryingabout 11+.

It is an issue that DS isn't getting enough sleep. DH should bring him home and make sure he eats and gets to bed on time, drinks can wait. I would say if he loves the sport and can get to bed on time and still do a bit of reading each night I'd be fine with it carrying on. Not getting over tired though.

MusicMenu · 07/05/2021 22:39

I would have been exactly as you are when my DC were that age.

Now they're 18 and 20, I wish I had been more laid back and allowed more fun. Is he actually showing signs of being over tired or is it that you think he should be?

One of the loveliest, most accomplished young men (early 30s) I know is the son of a football coach who basically brought his son up at sporting fixtures and in the pub. The boy was never destined to be academic, but OMG, his people skills!

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:40

@hamstersarse they do have a lovely relationship, you’re right to pick up on that so thank you. I think they can have that connection but also make sure he is being guided in the right way and making the most of what opportunities he has.

OP posts:

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/05/2021 22:47

If he's struggling academically already, why are you pushing him to do the 11+?

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:48

@MusicMenu thanks. He has a lot of fun, really he does. He’s a wonderful boy and it’s so interesting you point out the social skills of your friend as he is like that. He has a lot of friends, connects easily with people. I know people like that at work and they are very successful not because they are technically strong but because of their interpersonal skills. I do understand what you are saying.

I just think we do have to have a line and some boundaries. And there is a level of work that needs to be put in for him to get to the school he wants to go to. If he doesn’t get there, I won’t be crushed by the fact he’s not at that school. I will be sad if he has the ability to get in but didn’t because he didn’t put the effort in.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 22:50

@sunflowersandbuttercups I’m not pushing him. He wants to do it. All his friends did the 7+. We started prepping for that. He got stressed about it so we stopped and I explained to him why. He wasn’t ready. He has told me he wants to do this. If he said he didn’t, I would stop it tomorrow.

OP posts:

stressfuljune · 07/05/2021 22:56

I wouldn't push him to drop a sport at 9. Doing different sports is a life skill and they compliment each other. Mine do loads of different ones plus other stuff. I'm sure in time they will narrow down their choices. If he eg gave up football, the others might progress and it would be harder to get back in same team in 2 years etc. If anything encourage him to diversify too

stressfuljune · 07/05/2021 23:00

With mine we have regular conversations about balancing everything they want to do. They have some ownership. At 9 I think they are old enough to understand. As others have said, sport develops all sorts of skills and experiences that help elsewhere

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 07/05/2021 23:04

@stressfuljune I agree sport is very important. I came to sport late in life and it has opened up so much for me. I just wanted to offer him a choice if he was finding it too much.

I guess the point is that we all can’t do absolutely everything we want to do all the time. I would love to hit the gym, play sport with my friends, go for dinner etc but I can’t because I have work to do. I can do those things to some extent but not at the expense of everything else. I hope I’m making sense here!

And if he puts the work in now, he’ll have more choice about how he lives his adult life.

OP posts:

Pantsomime · 07/05/2021 23:10

Does DS feel he has to live up to anything and try for DH or does he truly love sport and do it for himself? Also can you speak to school re his academic abilities and potential re 11+. The teachers view may help at parents evening- either DS realise what work he needs to do, DH the same and then adjustments can be made. DH does need to bring him home as soon as the training/match is over on school nights

BackforGood · 07/05/2021 23:12

It's not the sport that's the issue but your DH including a 9 year old in his night out.

This ^

and this ^

stressfuljune · 07/05/2021 23:28

Does he also do loads of other stuff? If not, I'd say there's plenty of time to schedule in set hours to do 11+ prep.. around sport. Tues eve? Between school & sport. Weekend afternoons etc

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