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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who talks about their DC constantly

24 replies

mimosa80 · 07/05/2021 14:32

My friend who I have been close to for years talks about her child constantly. I'm not a parent (not by choice, having suffered miscarriages and infertility for nearly 10 yrs) and sometimes I find conversations about children difficult, and often quite boring. Most of my friends are mums and when we meet often the convo is centred around mumming, kids, school etc, but we do talk about other stuff too.
This close friend in particular talks about her DC and not much else. She has always been the type of person who is quite loud and talks loads. She often 'dumps' the latest drama onto me which is usually a long story about DC. I began to not enjoy her company years ago but stuck with it out of loyalty, hoping things might change when her DC got older.
Lately I have had a really tough time with fertility treatments and having counselling. I've not been very responsive to her messages and cancelled meeting up a few times. I don't ever want to say "don't talk about your child", as I think that would be hurtful, she doesn't have much going else on in her life and her DC is her world. She actually once acknowledged to me she knows she talks about her DC too much but her behaviour has never actually changed.
I don't know what to do. I know being a parent must come with it's many challenges and everyone needs to offload sometimes. But with everything I've been through I just don't have the emotional strength to be around her anymore.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 07/05/2021 15:37

Just tell her the truth. It's perfectly reasonable, you've explained it really well in your OP. If she's a decent person she'll understand. If not, then you've lost a 'friend' whose company you no longer enjoy, no great loss.

Flittingaboutagain · 07/05/2021 16:24

When I was struggling with this I had friends who would quite consciously talk about other things and was so grateful. It's OK to distance yourself if she doesn't and I agree you won't have lost much now. I would try to change the subject of you don't want to actually mention it.

Travert · 07/05/2021 16:26

I don’t get parents like this. Whenever I go out and meet friends, particularly those without children, I’m keen to talk about anything but my kid. I spend enough time doing that, social stuff is a break.

Original poster

mimosa80 · 07/05/2021 16:55

Urgh, I wish I could have the guts to just tell the truth, but I think it would hurt her feelings, she would probably also take it to the extreme and not mention her child at all, which would be awkward.
Thanks for your replies. I think I just needed to say it out loud, was feeling low for having these internalised thoughts (jealousy and shame comes into it and I feel horrible about this). I just needed confirmation it is okay to feel this way and that it is okay to step back.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 07/05/2021 17:12

OP,

She sounds very self absorbed and dull.

I'm with @Travert when I'm out.
We all will ask that each others children are well yada yada and then swiftly move on.

The last thing we want to talk about or listen to is specific child stories.

We are on a night out.

Most women I have met really don't do this.

OP, I think this is who she is.
Take your space and spend time with people that support you.

Blacktothepink · 07/05/2021 17:13

God how insufferable 😣

Allwokedup · 07/05/2021 17:15

Shit situation. Sorry op. I have kids and I wouldn’t enjoy only talking about my kids or someone else’s kids. I think you need to step away.

1Morewineplease · 07/05/2021 17:15

I'm so sorry that you are in this position but you must not feel any shame over this. It's perfectly understandable to feel jealous but I'm minded to say, if I may, that I think that your friend is being thoughtless here.
I fully appreciate that you'd feel awkward about discussing this issue with her but have you tried instigating conversations about other things? Or does she try to bring the subject back to her children?

KaleSlayer · 07/05/2021 17:21

A good friend would understand what you’re going through and realise that they’re being insensitive talking about their child constantly.

I’d probably try to tell her. It sounds like if you don’t it could be the end of the friendship, so I’d probably think what’s to lose? If she’s a good friend, she’ll get it, apologise and try to do better.

Sorry you’re dealing with so much. Life isn’t fair sometimes.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/05/2021 17:24

She sounds very self absorbed. Yes we all do a bit of listening to stuff we're not super interested in to humour our friends but it should be reciprocal. I listen to how your marathon training is going you ask me how my work's going, then move on to a mutual topic. This seems particularly bad since it's obviously insensitive to bang on about kids to someone struggling with fertility issues.

baldafrique · 07/05/2021 17:29

It's pretty off of her if she knows about your history of loss and infertility? Not much of a friend in my mind.

Sssloou · 07/05/2021 17:29

@billy1966

OP,

She sounds very self absorbed and dull.

I'm with @Travert when I'm out.
We all will ask that each others children are well yada yada and then swiftly move on.

The last thing we want to talk about or listen to is specific child stories.

We are on a night out.

Most women I have met really don't do this.

OP, I think this is who she is.
Take your space and spend time with people that support you.

100% agree.

She’s a terminal bore to everyone whether they have children or not. You are not jealous and should feel no shame.

I am curious as to why you are loyal and care deeply about her feelings when she has taken no care of yours. What are you loyal to? Time?

You are going through a v relentless and emotionally exhausting time put yourself in the company of friends that care for you.

Don’t concern yourself with her reaction if you brought it up - a good friend would respond warmly and a bad one wouldn’t - no one needs a bad friend

seven201 · 07/05/2021 17:29

I have secondary infertility. After a few years of it I have learned to be honest. Eg friends with 2 new babies in the group trying to arrange a zoom drink I'll now just say "I'll skip this meet up as it will be understandably baby orientated and I'm just not in the right head space at the moment. Have a fun time and hope to see you soon."

In your case send a message saying "I'm struggling with chat being kid based due to my infertility struggles. I'd love to see you if you wouldn't mind minimising the child chat? Nothing against your kids obviously - they're great!" If she says no then she's not a friend worth keeping.

Original poster

mimosa80 · 07/05/2021 17:43

I've definitely tried changing the subject. The other day I mentioned a book I thought was really good, I said do you want to read it, she said no I hardly ever read now. I said you used to, why not now? She said, well I'll see what DC is reading and find a book we can read together. Somehow it always comes back to DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

mimosa80 · 07/05/2021 17:52

@seven201

This is a really well worded message, thank you. I will use this next time there is a meet up planned, see if she takes it on board.

She does lack self awareness and has always been a bit self absorbed. I guess loyalty comes from being friends for so many years. I'm starting to accept now that people change and it's natural to sometimes go separate ways.

OP posts:

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 07/05/2021 17:52

I agree that your friend is being insensitive and that you should not feel any shame regarding the feelings her constant child-centric conversation provokes.

Frankly anyone who only has a single topic of conversation is pretty dull, imo.

EL8888 · 07/05/2021 17:57

@mimosa80 yep she sounds like a classic mum bore / mum martyr. I defriended someone similar last year and never looked back. The levels of self absorption were something else, my own personal highlight was me mentioning l felt very tired and under the weather from fertility drugs. Her response was how she has it harder as she has 2 small children It’s time to get rid

Twylar · 07/05/2021 18:00

I have this issue aswell. All the chat is always about the children or their childbirth experiences or childcare arrangements or children's activities. Boring 😴

EL8888 · 07/05/2021 18:16

@Twylar this. I go out with some of my friends with children and they state how they want to talk about other stuff. They welcome work, travel, home, film etc chat

IEat · 07/05/2021 18:21

Perhaps we know the same person! Could say I dyed my hair at weekend and she would reply with a little ditty about her child ! So annoying and boring

seven201 · 07/05/2021 18:45

@mimosa80 it might be worth a try. I've only ever had supportive responses when I've explained why I'm not up for a meet up or whatever it is. Then at least you'll feel you gave her one last chance and won't feel guilty about sacking her off if she doesn't reduce the kid chat!

Zerrin13 · 07/05/2021 21:32

She sounds as dull as dishwater

OwlTwitterings · 07/05/2021 21:34

I’m guessing she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life to be able to talk about alternative topics. However, that doesn’t excuse her being insensitive. Sometimes friendships run their course and it sounds like this one has done so.

billy1966 · 07/05/2021 22:12

[quote EL8888]@mimosa80 yep she sounds like a classic mum bore / mum martyr. I defriended someone similar last year and never looked back. The levels of self absorption were something else, my own personal highlight was me mentioning l felt very tired and under the weather from fertility drugs. Her response was how she has it harder as she has 2 small children It’s time to get rid[/quote]
🙄

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