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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To copy his wife into email?

32 replies

greengrasshut · 07/05/2021 01:41

This week I received an email from a leader in a charity I volunteer at. It was an email sent to a group of us, asking for feedback on a particular issue.

I would like to copy in his wife (who is also a leader in the charity and would be interested in the feedback - they will definitely discuss the results with each other to make decisions going forward) when I reply to him, not because there’s anything inappropriate or because I don’t trust him, but because I know her better and feel I could be more honest/open in my feedback if the email was also sent to her. There is one point in particular that I don’t feel I could raise if I just send the email to the husband.

Would it be ok to copy her in?

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 07/05/2021 01:44

I'd copy her in, and in the body of the email say 'I'm copying X in as I know she has a particular interest in Y'.

Monty27 · 07/05/2021 02:47

Absolutely not
Maybe suggest it via another route 😯

ThatIsMyPotato · 07/05/2021 03:16

If they weren't married would you do it? I think I'd be annoyed if I'd asked for feedback and someone else got copied in.

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2021 03:17

This would be really inappropriate unless you’d do it for a member of staff he wasn’t married to.

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2021 03:18

There is one point in particular that I don’t feel I could raise if I just send the email to the husband

Why not?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/05/2021 03:23

I copy people into emails all the time. If it's not confidential and it's not a snub (like copying in a superior to grass someone up).

What's more worrying is you can't raise this with him.

DeathStare · 07/05/2021 03:47

I think if you removed the word "wife" from your post and just referred to her as "the other leader" it would sound less controversial. The fact she's his wife is irrelevant.

Definitely copy in the other leader if you think its appropriate

emilyfrost · 07/05/2021 07:01

No, it’s not okay to copy her in. It would be really inappropriate.

CastleCrasher · 07/05/2021 07:08

Are they the only leaders? If not, are the others copied in shady, or do you plan to copy them in? I think this is relevant, as is whether the reason you want to copy her in is because she's a leader, his wife or female

RachelRaven · 07/05/2021 07:10

I ask my dh to deal with things when ive mo headspace, so this would annoy me.

Willow1233 · 07/05/2021 07:13

I wouldn’t. He didn’t copy her in for a reason, once you’ve sent your reply maybe he’ll see a reason to copy her in future emails. As he sent the first email to you he selected who he wanted involved. When people do this to me at work it makes me feel like I’m not capable which isn’t the case, I just end up thinking they’re a knob BlushGrin

paniniswapx3 · 07/05/2021 07:15

I'd copy her in too as she's another leader in the group and presumably also interested. I wouldn't even think twice - I copy people into emails all the time if what I'm sending is relevant to them or I mention their name in the email.

NoSquirrels · 07/05/2021 07:19

not because there’s anything inappropriate or because I don’t trust him, but because I know her better and feel I could be more honest/open in my feedback if the email was also sent to her. There is one point in particular that I don’t feel I could raise if I just send the email to the husband.

This is odd. He’s asked for your honest feedback, you have no trust issues with him, and he’d still be the recipient of the information even if you copied on someone else. I think you should examine what is causing you discomfort about this.

Additionally- if it’s something sensitive that needs raising, you have always had the opportunity to raise it to the female director (his wife), so why haven’t you before now?

I don’t think it’s wildly inappropriate if you used the right language to explain but if it happened to me I’d be a bit peeved and mostly puzzled.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/05/2021 07:20

If they're going to discuss it anyway I really don't see why you can't just give honest feedback without copying her in? It seems an odd thing to do.

NoSquirrels · 07/05/2021 07:25

If I asked for feedback on something at work, gathering information, and someone then copied in a colleague before I’d had a chance to read, digest, and then collate the feedback for discussion, I would find that odd.

It’s not the same as cc’ing someone for operational reasons (Susan needs to complete next task, Jane needs to know delivery date to book in, Priya is better placed to answer question).

I’d feel like you didn’t trust me in this situation if you cc’ed my husband because you ‘knew him better’.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2021 07:33

not because there’s anything inappropriate or because I don’t trust him

There is one point in particular that I don’t feel I could raise if I just send the email to the husband

Sounds very odd to be honest. He has directly asked for your feedback. Why wouldn't you provide it without using his wife as a buffer?

FortunesFave · 07/05/2021 07:50

@DeathStare

I think if you removed the word "wife" from your post and just referred to her as "the other leader" it would sound less controversial. The fact she's his wife is irrelevant.

Definitely copy in the other leader if you think its appropriate

This. The fact they are married has nothing to do with anything.
C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2021 07:53

Feedback on an issue relating to him or to a policy of the charity?

If the mail is relevant to his wife/colleague/whoever then copy them in with a comment "adding X as their knowledge of Y is relevant here".

Why do you feel uncomfortable raising the same issue with the person who actually asked for feedback?

ElphabaTWitch · 07/05/2021 07:53

Why? She didn’t ask. He did.

HeadNorth · 07/05/2021 08:00

@DramaAlpaca

I'd copy her in, and in the body of the email say 'I'm copying X in as I know she has a particular interest in Y'.
This is what I would do. If I am going to copy someone into a reply that did not receive the original email, I would always explain my rationale for doing so in the body of the email. This is a transparent and professional way to proceed and the norm in my workplace.
UserAtRandom · 07/05/2021 08:15

If you're wanting to copy her in on the basis that, as another leader in the group, you think the feedback is valid for her to see, I think that's fine. However, I would most likely email the person who sent you the request in the first place and say "I think we should in include A in this because xyz reasons" and see what he says. He might well say something like "I'm just collating the feedback first and then it will be circulated to all leaders".

If you're copying her in, solely because she's his wife, that's not appropriate.

KarmaStar · 07/05/2021 08:27

No.As what you are effectively saying is you don't think he's made the right decision excluding his wife and that you know better.Don't overstep the mark,be professional.

KarmaStar · 07/05/2021 08:27

Overstep

formynexttrick · 07/05/2021 09:26

@DramaAlpaca

I'd copy her in, and in the body of the email say 'I'm copying X in as I know she has a particular interest in Y'.
This is perfect.
AnUnoriginalUsername · 07/05/2021 09:36

I think if it was reversed it would be a big no.

DH and I run a company together. If I was dealing with something and a male customer/employee/dealer/whatever felt the need to add my husband to the conversation I'd think it very rude and as though they felt they were going over my head, like I can't handle it as well as him.

They have obviously agreed its something for him to do, you then assigning it to his wife because you think she's better suited comes across poorly I think.

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