AIBU to keep her off school today and how can I handle this situation?

[Mumtoone3]

DD is 5 years old, has autism and attends a special school. There is one particular child that she really struggles with because they are very noisy and she is very sensitive to these noises and she becomes very distressed by them (sobs, screams, throws things). This happens most days.

Yesterday was quite a noisy day for DD at school and she struggled quite a bit, she has woken up this morning absolutely refusing to get up and get ready and I personally think it might be a bit of anxiety because she knows it’s likely to be noisy at school today because of this particular child. When this child is off school the change in her is remarkable - she is happy going off to school, has really good days at school with no upsets - and even the teachers commented on the difference when she wasn’t anxious all the time not knowing when these noises are going to happen.

WIBU to keep her off school today based on this? To give her a bit of a break from being upset and anxious all day long?

Also, how can I handle this going forward?

I know it’s not either of their faults - they both have similar conditions and similar needs - but equally DD isn’t the only child who struggles with these noises, however DD definitely reacts the worst to them.

It is such a tricky situation because I know it is not either of their faults and it can’t be helped, but equally it’s not fair on DD to be anxious and upset on a daily basis at school and it’s heartbreaking to watch.

They can’t be put in separate classes either because it’s a specialist school and there is only one class per year. X

I'd speak to the school and see if they can suggest anything first of all.

Yes the school are well aware of it and do try their best to keep them separate however this isn’t always possible, she also uses ear defenders however can’t tolerate them for longer than a few minutes. X

YANBU. It is perfectly reasonable for your DD to take a MH day off school.
Going forward, I would speak to the school about how the other child’s meltdowns are negatively affecting your DD. It would not be unreasonable to request that during a meltdown, that child be taken to a quiet room or place to calm down with an attendant. Meltdowns are often caused by sensory overload anyway..so trying to calm this child down in a classroom with other children is likely to either not work or take much longer.

See if other parents have similar reactions in their children as well and encourage them to also raise the issue with the school. A school may decline to do anything when it’s just affecting one other child, but if it’s affecting several, they are more likely to make changes.

I feel for your dd because my ds has sensory issues and similar kids affect him. But he is able to move away or distance himself in such situations. I don't think the school can do much. The other child is equally opposite to your dd so I don't know what else they could do except try keep them apart.

I don't have experience of an autistic child but I would question what your daughter learns from how you handle this. Does she learn that if she is upset, she gives in and will be allowed not to face the challenge or is she gently guided to learn how to deal with 'jangly' people of which life is full. I'm sure you will do what's best for her OP

I'd speak to them again and say that your dd is now refusing to go due to it and see if they can suggest any solutions.

My son was the noisy one at school, equally loud noises from others upset him so it was difficult.

It’s very difficult in a special school as the classes are so small so the noise can seem worse. He was taken out of class a lot during the day and always when things got too much.

It needs discussing and strategies out in place to minimise the impact.

If your child needs support to leave class when it’s noisy then this needs to be included in her EHCP.

Could she wear headphones when she’s feeling distressed? I attend conventions and one lady can’t cope with the stimulation and wears headphones with white noise to keep calm.

Beg my pardon I don’t see your update about ear defenders.

Didn’t.

Do they not have a separate room where either child could go to avoid or minimise a melt down. That kind of stress long term cannot be good for your dc

Maybe a fleece head band that covers her ears might help muffle the noise a bit? You can get adult ones with headphones built in - I loathe white noise but if she can tolerate it, maybe playing it at a low level will help?

I would go back to school and ask them about what more can be done. A few ideas you could raise:

• Positive behaviour support for noisy child.

• OT to specifically address the sensory aspect of wearing ear defenders for your DD with a view to increasing her tolerance of them.

• Introducing other coping strategies for your DD e.g. calm down space, sensory room, a 'just right' approach to her arousal level, movement breaks - there's loads they could do, it will depend on what works for your child in the setting. In a special school I'd expect them to have access to an MDT to work this out.

Good luck 💐

The child making noises maybe using them to communicate, vocalise or because they just make them as a matter of course. This being the case the school would not be able to quiet them or remove them from the class to accommodate your daughter.

I would raise the issue with school and ask that your daughter is better supported. I would consider asking for updated do and sensory ot assessments to possibly amend section f and think about if the school is appropriate and able to meet her needs moving forward. Consider calling an early annual review. You could ask for a reassment of need.

If noise is distressing she may need a different environment which will allow her to learn. It is possible other children who make noise will move into the class and as the cohort gets older more noise may come from other types of behaviours.

School refusal means that she isn't having her needs met, make sure you let the school know in writing/ email why she isn't attending. Have a look at ipsea/ sossen websites and have a good think about other schools within a 45 minute drive that could meet need including the independents.

Should say updated EP not do.

My ds asd but in mainstream school has breaks in learning support some structured but also has a card to leave if its too loud.

Could something like that help.

Does she learn that if she is upset, she gives in and will be allowed not to face the challenge or is she gently guided to learn how to deal with 'jangly' people of which life is full. I'm sure you will do what's best for her OP

School refusal (which is a term I hate) is way more complex than that.

OP, keep her off school and start a dialogue with the school about how they improve the environment. Them trying to do their best, clearly isn’t working for DD and she deserves to be in an environment that suits her.