To wonder what the children would prefer?

[3anddone]

Long term lurker but never posted. There have been a lot of threads about private school recently and whether it is affordable to those on above average but not huge incomes.
For a lot of families, mine included, private school is a possibility for our children but it would come at the expense of a large house deposit for them when they are older.
AIBU in wondering what the children would actually prefer when they grow up? The opportunities that private school would afford them or the financial advantage of a large house deposit?

The house deposit will be more useful long term. They won't "enjoy" private school or "miss it" if they don't have it. If you're putting the money aside for them to be able to buy a house in their early 20s then that will be a massive advantage, more than any better grades could ever be.

I went to private school, and couldn't buy a home until my late 30s. I'll be paying it off until I'm nearly 70. It would have been much better from a practical point of view to have bought in my early 20s and be mortgage free by about 50.

Good question - I was wondering the same thing. In our case, the cash would come from downsizing but there's only enough either for a house deposit or schools. I think am leaning more towards house deposit but wavering

Depends what the state school is like surely? They aren't all the same, neither are private schools.
You can't compare a failing comp with Eton for example. But a superselective Vs a good private? Probably won't make a lot of difference in the long run.

Thanks for your comments and experiences, all very useful. The state schools are fine but we are in a grammar area and so a lot of the more academic students are filtered out of the state system. The privates are some of the best in the country. Our 3 are all at state primary which we are very happy with, the question relates to secondary only (sorry on reflection I should have mentioned this) . Grammar very unlikely to be an option.

@skirk64 you make a very valid point, we have the potential to reduce stress on the children by providing them with greater financial security later in life

Impossible to generalise, though. Some private schools just ... aren’t very good. Some children only thrive in a bubble of families with similar aspirations. Some will do better when peers are academically-selected, or when they’re amongst the best at something, or any of the myriad of quirks people have.
If the school is a reasonably good fit for the child then spending more on education isn’t that important.

Similarly some adults feel better if they know they’re completely independent (eg don’t need / have house deposit from parents), some won’t want to settle down to a mortgage in their early-mid 20’s, but feel a failure taking a big cash gift from parents later on. Others would just be very glad if the financial help!

I would be looking at house-deposit rather than private education. But thats my privilege as local schools all seem really good.

Cross posted!
Your option is “less academic state school” or great private school, then?

If “grammar school not an option” as they’re not hugely academic, then are they likely to be better off looking at a practical, skills-based career (plumber, joiner, etc) as opposed to a knowledge-based career (lawyer, etc). In which case state school (particularly if they’re strong on vocational subjects) and house deposit/ start up own business money would be great.

Or, do they just need a push academically and therefore better suited to private school?

Well it depends on the alternative doesn’t it. Depending on your area the state secondary could end up being excellent, taking it that the grammar will take the brightest.

Provided the schools were decent - and the kids attending are ones you are ok with your kids hanging out with - I would send to state and also plough money into extra curriculurs

Personally, if I had been given that choice by my parents I would have much preferred the house deposit (I didn't actually get either but I have thought about this before). I didn't care what school I went to, and having been through uni, got a good degree and masters, and now having worked in a good profession for 10 years despite going to a standard state school I don't think private school would have made much difference to my life now, but being given a house deposit would have made a huge difference.

Totally depends on the schools. I went to a private school with great teaching, sport, heaps of extracurricular activities and generally had a wonderful time, got into a good uni and have lifelong friends from school. My DH went to an indifferent state school where he was bullied for being top of his class academically, had to do two subjects he really wanted to do by correspondence because the school didn't teach them, didn't do any sport or extracurricular activities, and don't make any lasting friends.

Through sheer hard work he got to a good uni where we met, and professionally our careers are very similar. So in once sense we got the same outcome. The difference is that I have really happy memories of my adolescence and he does not.

Our DC are going to private school and every time we go to a concert or sports day or school play my DH is delighted that his DC are getting all the fun out of school that he did not.

But there are plenty of stat schools out there that would give children an awful lot more than DH's gave him (in the 1980s).

It’s such a difficult question to answer. My parents had this dilemma for me - they ended up choosing the private school rather than sending me to the huge local state secondary (which was in a bad state at the time). I did really well academically, degree from top university and ended up in a very well paid career. My parents weren’t able to give me any money for a house deposit, but I didn’t really need it due to my well paid career in my 20s.

However...this was 20 years ago when houses were relatively cheaper. And perhaps I would have done just as well at the state school. We will never know!

I can only say that I loved school and would have definitely chosen the private secondary over the house deposit. But had I not enjoyed school/gone to excellent university/found well paid job I might have preferred the deposit! Impossible to know until it’s already happened. You have to go with your gut feel.

I think its one of those things that will really depend on the individual DC and their personalities.

My best mate and I both got sent to the far away from our houses outstanding Catholic school - I feel really lucky with where I went to school, had a great time and did well, my friend did ok but wishes she could have walked to school and not spent hours on the bus every day.

@SummerInSun

Totally depends on the schools. I went to a private school with great teaching, sport, heaps of extracurricular activities and generally had a wonderful time, got into a good uni and have lifelong friends from school. My DH went to an indifferent state school where he was bullied for being top of his class academically, had to do two subjects he really wanted to do by correspondence because the school didn't teach them, didn't do any sport or extracurricular activities, and don't make any lasting friends.

Through sheer hard work he got to a good uni where we met, and professionally our careers are very similar. So in once sense we got the same outcome. The difference is that I have really happy memories of my adolescence and he does not.

Our DC are going to private school and every time we go to a concert or sports day or school play my DH is delighted that his DC are getting all the fun out of school that he did not.

But there are plenty of stat schools out there that would give children an awful lot more than DH's gave him (in the 1980s).

I agree with this. I think it depends on how much of your own money you can put towards things like music lessons and sports outside of their education, which is broadly the same. We’re in Scotland so a bit different, our local high school is considered one of the best in the county, but still offers very little in the way of music lessons, language or any sport outside of football and rugby. I’m not a fan of private education but I can see the difference between the opportunities the average kid at each is offered.

A good education should negate the need to help them so much financially later.

I would also add that given the cost of houses nowadays I am making saving a house deposit for my DD a priority.

@Overthebow my concern is also the cost of housing nowadays is extortionate. Rent is so high that even on a good wage it could take a long time to save a decent deposit and who knows how things could be in 15 years

You can wonder, but it's impossible to know. Children are not good at predicting the future or understanding the full ramifications of different decisions in the longer term. Parents can't predict the future either, of course, but are or should be better at the long term thinking.

And it will be different for every child. For me, the education was unequivocally the right choice. But for many, the house might be much more valuable. Seven years (or thirteen or more) of school fees, invested well, really can add up to a LOT. More than just a deposit, potentially.

I went to private school and was asked this question by one of my parents recently. The answer for me is clear, I would 100% choose the money towards a house.

I did well at school, but hated much of it (which might affect my opinion obviously!) and don't feel like I got much benefit at all. I'm not an ambitious career driven person so climbing the ladder as was expected by my school would have never been the way for me. The pressure was quite intense and affected me a lot in my teens.

I did well at school and uni grades wise, but felt a bit lost after uni. I ended up with a decent job which I enjoyed (am a SAHM at the moment), but it didn't require any qualifications. In contrast the money towards a house would have been genuinely life changing. It would have saved me a small fortune on renting in London and oddly it may have helped me to pursue postgraduate education later on by providing funds for that or given me room to pursue other options like self employment which were tricky as we were pretty busy trying to make ends meet both during and after uni.

However, my siblings gave a very different answer so it goes to show you you're damned whatever you do

@SummerInSun your husbands experience sounds awful and I am concerned about this. I went to grammar school and had an amazing experience and have friends for life. I want the same experience for my children but I did receive a small amount towards a flat from my parents (nothing like the amounts which would be required these days), and I would feel bad if I couldn’t do the same for them

Having gone through private school, there were a lot of very unhappy kids there. Private school doesn’t mean a happy kid with all the benefits you suggest in your OP.

Parents often make huge sacrifices to pay for fees = not being around for the kids.

And having attended one of the unis the private school parents seem to aspire to, many state school kids (and many private school kids) were there.

@TrendingHistory tutoring for grammer is an option but I think the level required is significantly higher than it was nearly 30 years ago and whilst they are academically able they are not exceptional. I felt a huge amount of pressure from my school and from what I hear there is even more now. Although perhaps I am being naive in thinking private school wouldn’t be the same