I just had a huge panic attack, and I feel so guilty

[enchantedspleen]

Like it says on the tin. I now feel paralysed.

I have not been apart from my daughter in weeks, except to go to work. When I'm home, I have been feeling like I'm drowning under the responsibility. My daughter is 1 year on Friday and I've been planning her birthday and my husband's birthday who is the day before.
I feel like I get zero time. I do 90% of the cooking, my husband tries but last time I came in from work to find a pot of what I can only describe as hot tomato wine on the hob. He asks me to tell him what to do like a list and it never seems a lot but I end up seeing things that need to be done as I go along. Along with this, my daughter has been throwing tantrums a lot and not sleeping great. I take her out, I take her to a toddler group, I love spending time with her but I am constantly thinking of the next step all the time. I go shopping, I meal plan, I do the housework, my husband does do sometimes but I feel guilty if I'm stressed and he tries to help.
I've been dying to have a day to myself for so long. I cooked my daughter her lunch this morning, we got her ready and packed her off to her grandparents. However I come back and I am so aware of the ticking clock.
The house is a state. My dad is coming over and wants feeding later. My day is slipping through my fingers. I am going to have no time. I start having a panic attack. The room is going fuzzy.
To make it worse, my house keys have gone missing. My husband is looking for them and the longer we look, the more time goes by. I also feel awful that he is looking and they are my keys, they've gone somewhere, and I should be looking for them, not him. He should be working and not helping him. He wont let it go either, hes like a dog with a bone. I end up screaming at him, I slapped myself (I haven't done that for years) screamed, cried, and my day is wrecked.
I feel like a terrible partner, an awful mother for feeling like this, and my day is utterly wrecked and I'm spending this precious time looking for keys while in tears. I'm not allowed any time for myself, am I?
I'm drowning.

I feel like such a pain and burden to my husband. I went through a terrible mental health issue a few years ago and while i was upset i yelled "why are you so calm?!" And he just said "im used to it" and oh my god i felt like the worst human in the world in that moment.
I often feel like I'm failing as a mum and partner.

I have no wise words but please take these, go sit somewhere quiet and try and breath slowly. You are not the worst anything! Someone wise will come along soon with something helpful to say, but an unmumsnetty hug from me while we wait

I have been there, I have done this. Please, please take a step back and let something go. Forget a job, just don't do it. And you are not a bad person based on this. Your husband is different. Copes differently, feels differently. Do the most pressing thing (usually food!) and accept help where offered.

Tell your dad not to come, or get a take away. Look at what's happening in your life and cut out everything you don't have to do. Consider getting a cleaner or just clean less. Ask your/his parents if they could have your daughter one day a week/every other week. Get an online shop and cook the same meals every week for a bit so it doesn't need much tweaking every time you order. Get take away once a week. Do what ever you have to to keep on top of your mental health. Don't feel guilty or bad or anything else negative - you need to look after yourself!!!! That has to be your absolute priority. Do whatever you need and please ask for help. xxx

Oh my gosh. Thank you for your lovely replies. I just feel so checked out tonight but trying to pull myself together as baby needs feeding when she gets home. I'm always trying my best but it often feels like I have no right to feel stressed. Thank you x

This sounds tough. The day is not done, can you drink tea and read a book?

Then going forward, I don't think it's very fair of your husband to be asking you to tell him what to do and give him a list. That's you taking on all the mental load. You are not his manager! Can you talk about this and offload some whole jobs to him that you then never have to think about again?