To ask what makes someone toxic?

[Borisbabysnanny]

I’ve recently been accused of being toxic by an ex friend, I believe I am not but perhaps I’m deluded? Can you help me out and tell me what traits a toxic person might have?

Undermining, oversharing information with others, setting up meetings then cancelling, advising not in best interest. What happened?

Not sure it's helpful as there is no context to your question and you may not be toxic at all - but you are to the person who has said you are

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don't present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.

Friends I've previously thought of as toxic had these traits: subtle putdowns e.g. saying to another friend while looking at me "you've got the nicest skin in our friend group because it so clear" (I've battled with acne and poor skin all my life), boasting too much about how great they/their life. Being overly friendly with me to gain something and they disappearing when they've got it.

For me, it's a person who cannot take responsibility for anything, ever.
They project all of their shame outwards. So if anybody makes them feel bad for a moment, in their minds, that person is bad because that person caused them to feel shame/bad for a split second before they projected it outwards. These people can often identify with being GOOD and so when they refuse point blank to take responsibility for anything, they feel victims.

I don't think that these people are evil (toxic is also a loaded word) but being around people who do not even have the awareness to understand that they take responsibility for nothing is exhausting, demoralising and damaging.

Is there much point? Most 'toxic' or generally difficult people cannot, and often refuse to, recognise the traits in themselves. Denial is their greatest friend.

Toxic in itself describes the issue adequately - to be toxic means that you drain others, by self obsessed or mean behaviour. For example, I cut off one friend as they constantly had a 'personal crisis' going on. Their relationships, their personal choices, they actively chose the route of biggest drama possible, demanded to be listen to as they droned on in their best Eyeore voice. Everything was the end of the world but would never actively try and change things. Example: they had a partner who they had severe doubts over, phoned me one day debating the future. Next day they announce on Facebook that they're moving in together, just signed the lease! Drama relationship carries on until friend cheats. Big fall out, tears and many hours talking to friend about how this is the end they've been too scared to face. End of the week? Friend and girlfriend are engaged! (No it surprisingly didn't get anywhere near setting a date, thank god). This happened several times, amongst other things. Yes, including engagements. In the meantime, I had something quite serious happen in my own life which they showed very little interest in, we'd talk about it for 5 minutes then back to their Sad Voice of Despair.

I'm much happier without them and their draining ways in my life. Some people are just energy leeches. I'm sure most don't mean to be so absolutely self obsessed, but it's awful to deal with from the other side. No friendship should end up with an eye roll anytime the other person calls or texts.

I had a toxic friend. She was constantly having sly digs at me and I ignored them until she did it when I was looking for my wedding dress. She went into overdrive then so I dumped her.

@Borisbabysnanny you sound like you have some self-awareness.

There are takers and givers out there I believe, and most people have a tendency to give a bit more than 50:50, or, to take a bit more than 50:50.

I think some people find it hard to get it right. And many people will give, give, kiss, kiss (up!) to people they perceive to be above them (who can validate them) and they're not even noticing or keeping score how they behave towards the people ''beneath them'' (who can't validate them). It's just that they revert to their default which is to take a bit more than they give.

That is a way of behaving that could be described as toxic but it is borne out of a low self esteem and the person often doesn't feel like any kind of victor in life so I think these people are genuinely affronted when they're asked to take less/give more, take responsibility of the outcomes from their behavior......

@bellropes

I had a toxic friend. She was constantly having sly digs at me and I ignored them until she did it when I was looking for my wedding dress. She went into overdrive then so I dumped her.

Classic passive aggression. I wonder if she learnt anything from that? She thought it was ok to bring you down! Some people see ''levelling'' as their right.

I've a female relative who behaved like that. I was happier than I'd been for years and at a family gathering I suppose that was apparent. She then set about excluding me from a social media group and giving me the silent treatment while love bombing everybody else! My crime!?? To be content in my own skin.

All toxic people I have met, have 1 thing in common. A complete lack of empathy and the inability to admit that they make mistakes. It’s always someone else’s fault, never their own.

These behaviors are still toxic even if the person is lovely to almost everybody else but excludes or marginalises or makes passive aggressive comments to just one person because they've decided they hate them.

A lot of people need an enemy and they can easily be oh so charming to a majority but because of that conflict within themselves they will be a bitch to one person.

That's not six of one and half a dozen of the other. It's not a personality clash. It's one toxic person covertly scapegoating another because they are adversarial by nature and need an enemy to hang all their issues on.

A non toxic person has one set of values that they live by and they don't switch them on and off depending on who they're dealing with. So just because a person is liked by the majority does not mean they're not toxic. I have experienced this a few times, a popular / loud person at the forefront of everything has decided to make me their enemy! The only thing to do is to disappear from the group for a while while you fortify yourself.

Toxic is often a word that it's thrown around without any real definition.

I think generally it means the person affects your mental health in some way or shape.

More context of your own situation would be needed to make a guess at in which way they meant it.

A person who never accepts blame or reflect meaningfully on their past behaviours

Toxic people project. There's every chance your friend is the toxic one and is projecting that on to you.

Run.

A toxic person is manipulative, controlling, jealous, spiteful, love to play the victim, disingenuous, self-serving, solipsistic, lacking in empathy, passive aggressive... if you feel emotionally exhausted after being in someone's company, chances are they are toxic.

@LaBellina

All toxic people I have met, have 1 thing in common. A complete lack of empathy and the inability to admit that they make mistakes. It’s always someone else’s fault, never their own.

This 100%.

What did you do to her?

Thanks everyone, I’m not clearer on what it us am supposed to have done but will reflect more.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/201711/five-types-high-conflict-personalities%3Famp

This pretty comprehensive

If you don't know, perhaps better to ask

Im really not sure about the term toxic people. I have known people I don't like who may have characteristics that others may class toxic. Of these characteristics I really avoid people who talk too much and non stop talkers. They are very draining and overpowering. Just cannot handle that.I also stopped seeing people who arrange a date for coffee etc and then are late. Im not talking a few minutes, Im talking anything up to an hour. Sadly, many people nowadays seem to be completely self-absorbed, their woes, their worries are all that matters.There also seems to be a general lack of consideration for others.I distanced myself from a 'friend' like this. I phoned her to see how she is/arrange to meet. It would be all her issues, plus she would forget it was my phone bill, she would never phone me. I did an experiment, to see how long it would take her to phone me. Im still waiting. I think the Pandemic has made friendships worse, loads of people just seemed to have ceased contact.