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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be quietly annoyed at LDR partner?

18 replies

as141 · 04/05/2021 22:26

Context: Been together 8 years, getting married soon. Lived together most of this time. Both chasing/building own professional careers. DP was inbetween jobs/had a few rejections in lockdown for the role he wanted was quite low about it... until the exact role came up in city 2hrs away which he had to take (I encouraged it). We're an established couple, it is not forever and a necessary stepping stone but due to lockdown rules were not able to meet up for the first couple of months which was very hard but immersed ourselves in work etc. Of late, have been able to meet up again (lockdown rules easing and no longer in a london flatshare)

Now, DP has a last min cancellation at work freeing up tomorrow (both already planned time off for thurs/fri) I assumed he'd come home a day sooner but has decided to stay to play squash which was supposed to be after work tomorrow.

I havent said anything as i feel maybe IABU but just gutted that a game of squash trumps seeing your almost wife who you've not seen for almost 3 weeks. If I had an unexpected day off I would cancel any social plans...

Fully ready to be told IABU so i can continue to stay low and have a nice time when he does come home 24hrs later rather than ruin the mood questioning his priorities etc.

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/05/2021 22:29

Sorry but he wants a bit of "me" down time, and presumably enjoys the exercise, and if its with a friend, the social aspect/doesn't want to let them down.

formynexttrick · 04/05/2021 22:32

I think it depends on the context. Does he often make you feel like this?

If it's a one off, possibly best to let it go - perhaps he was really looking forward to the squash.

On the other hand, could it be that perhaps you are already feeling neglected and this has touched a raw nerve?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 04/05/2021 22:39

I'm afraid he just sounds like a 'typical' bloke to me, he just hasn't thought it through. Tell him you'd love him to pass on the game, as you're desperate to see him after all this time apart. Remember, communication is the key to all good relationships, so tell him how you feel. Then if he still decides to stay for the game, I'd be starting to wonder if he's as keen on me as I thought he was, but that's just me, and I don't know the dynamic of your relationship. Hope he decides to cancel though.

MsMarple · 04/05/2021 22:51

On the other hand, if he had arranged to play squash with a particular friend, it would be really flaky to blow them out.

Original poster

as141 · 04/05/2021 22:52

I'm of the view that I wouldn't want to ask/make him do something for me so that he only does it because I've asked if that makes sense?

If he's only saying/doing something because I have asked then it doesn't feel meaningful.

He is (and always has been) a man of few words and we have a very different love language. I say the L word a lot more than him, both equally tactile though. We have spoken about this before and for the days after, he'll tell me he loves me but its not natural and soon reverts to not. He does show me his love in other ways though.

He doesn't really get small talk and this causes communication issues for us. E.g if I ask for something lets say a drink, rather than saying yes he'll just make me one. Or rather than going for a leisurely stroll and a chat, he'd rather us do a proper workout /5k run. I have come to accept this is just his personality and I'm the one that needs the chat, not him (His father was diagnosed with a nasty cancer, he'd rather not talk about it) I dont understand it but have to accept we deal with things differently (he knows I'm always there if he does want a chat).

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 04/05/2021 22:57

I don’t think it’s a good quality to cancel on friends and prioritise a relationship over every other relationship in your life. If I were friends with someone who would cancel in this situation as you want him to, then I wouldn’t be staying friends for long. He’s still spending plenty of time with you, doesn’t mean he needs to dump his friends or make them feel like he doesn’t care about them too.

formynexttrick · 04/05/2021 22:58

Are you really sure you want to marry him, OP?

Both my mother and my partner don't get small talk. My relationship with mother can be difficult at times and my relationship with my partner is on the rocks.

If you're (like me) the kind of person who can communicate well, and needs communication with others to feel a meaningful connection, please don't sell yourself short.

I thought it'd come with time with DP, that it was trust issues and that over years he'd open up. I was totally wrong. It's how he is, and I now see there's nothing wrong with that - only he'd suit someone similar to him on this score, as would I.

We had DC before I came to this realisation, and we're still together but miserable right now. We're both lonely.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't talk to? And, who you click with?

formynexttrick · 04/05/2021 22:59

*don't click with, I mean.

Flowers500 · 04/05/2021 23:00

It also sounds like he has a day off and you don’t. So it makes entire sense for him to get a good chill day whirl you’re working, the planned time with friend, and then go to see you all relaxed.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/05/2021 23:03

I'm of the view that I wouldn't want to ask/make him do something for me so that he only does it because I've asked if that makes sense?

Saying to him that you thought he would have come home earlier isn't less meaningful. It also means he doesn't have to try and be psychic and fail to meet your expectations.

At least if you say something then he gets a chance to explain that "oh it's with Bob who hasn't really had much chance to get out recently so I'd hate to bail on him, let's get a takeaway and a bottle of wine when I get in" and you don't sit resenting him not "choosing" you.

Also, the point of love languages isn't so that you change how you communicate with each other. It's so that you both understand each other better. He doesn't need to say I Love you because he shows it more and you understand that that is his way of communicating that. And if he does make an effort to say it then it's more special.

It doesn't sound like you communicate effectively together. Or you get annoyed because he doesn't communicate the way you want him to.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 23:06

Are you moving there after the Wedding OP 🌸

Flowers500 · 04/05/2021 23:11

“If I had an unexpected day off I would cancel any social plans...”

See, if I was your friend and you did that, you wouldn’t be seeing me again. It’s rude and thoughtless to treat friends like they are to be discarded when you get a partner. If your relationship ends, you want to have friends left at the end! Making a partner a priority is NOT the same as treating friends/family as worthless.

Original poster

as141 · 05/05/2021 08:40

Interesting views.

This isn't a friend. He's not long moved to the area/has lived in lockdown. It's just a game of squash with strangers. Someone mentioned it at work, he booked on.

A bit like how I book gym classes for several nights a week and go to almost all but if another plan came up I'd cancel my class (it's just a time slot, frees it up for someone else). If instead it was dinner with a pal or something I wouldn't be cancelling that nor would I expect him to. There's no emotional involvement just a social activity. Before he moved away he used to book slots at the local swimming pool some morning before work or after work, if instead he had plans to go the pub would just cancel swimming. I see this as no different.

I haven't said anything. He's in a new city and it could be a way to meet people. I get that. Just that it could have happened the following week instead. His squash session is at 8pm tonight. He won't be leaving till 10 I imagine and will drive here about midnight, sweaty needing a shower. I have the day off today but have plenty to be doing so I didn't insist he come but equally if he chose to come a day early that would have been nice too.

OP posts:

LIZS · 05/05/2021 08:46

Just revert to first plan and he comes tomorrow. Spend today apart. It does not sound a very sustainable relationship though. Who is moving when you marry?

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/05/2021 08:52

What about the person he’s playing squash with, presumably they’d need to find another person to take his place to make sure they had enough pairs? It would be pretty rubbish for him to let them down at short notice and he’s got the next couple of days with you.

slashlover · 05/05/2021 09:29

This isn't a friend. He's not long moved to the area/has lived in lockdown. It's just a game of squash with strangers. Someone mentioned it at work, he booked on.

Maybe he's trying to make some friends in new city if he's been there for a while and not allowed to come home?

PointersPlease · 05/05/2021 09:55

Squash has only very recently become possible again- DH is v v keen to play. Not the same as an individual going to the gym or exercise class I'd say.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 05/05/2021 13:38

I think you should probably ask him why he chose to stay and play squash rather than come home early to see you. Decide after you've had the response whether it bothers you or not. And you can be annoyed about it and you can judge if your priorities in a relationship are conflicting. I agree with PP - marrying someone you cant talk to is a recipe for loneliness.

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