Hi everyone,
I had real issue with weight during pregnancy, I had such psychological aversion to food that I struggled to gain weight and in fact was losing muscle weight while pregnant. I kept raising concerns about my weight loss but no one took me seriously. And when I delivered my baby he was such low weight that I felt incredible guilt about it.. I still didn’t have a healthy relationship with food but I suffered extreme trauma and guilt because I felt like I affected my baby’s health due to my aversion and he was born an unhealthy weight..
I pushed through and through for his sake because I was breastfeeding, and I couldn’t stop being haunted by the idea that I could do more for my baby despite health visitors reassuring me that he is fine and I’m fine.
After having the second baby and suffering weight loss in pregnancy again , and delivering with weight less than I was prior to pregnancy..
I convinced myself that I was going to eat and eat whenever i breastfeed as a reminder and I became very strict about my meal times..
I gained more weight and I’m now actually overweight.. but I’m still breastfeeding and something about my weight doesn’t bother me.
I refuse to put myself on the scales because I worry it will push me to frantically want to lose weight and I have an obsession with wanting to nourish my kids (tandem feeding). But I often shock myself that I’m eating non stop and my stomach capacity is quite huge more than my husband after spending 1.5 years convincing Myself that food was the answer to all my anxiety around my kids and my breastmilk content etc..
My kids have good weight now, first born caught up slowly but is still stunted slightly because of his growth restriction in my womb and is a bit of a living reminder that I’m doing the right thing to keep eating !!
I feel like I feel like a selfish bad mum when I think of losing weight and I tell myself I will lose it after I stop breastfeeding but in all honesty I’m really emotionally not at all fussed about the fact I’m overweight and it actually makes me feel “safe”.
I know logically this can’t be right. I’ve lived all my life being the thinnest person in the class and it was a consistent description of me and I feel like while everyone celebrated my thin waiste I didn’t feel as comfortable as I do now so it doesn’t motivate me. Yes I felt more pretty and fit but I actually feel more “healthy” now mentally speaking..
This isn’t a “celebrating curves” thread, I’m aware of the health impact of weight gain.. I’m only a size 14 tbh but my greediness is the issue I can eat for 2 and still go and eat more. Binging non stop. I’m self conscious and I think everyone around me thinks I’m greedy but I feel so happy with myself when I’m eating it’s almost like I’m suppressing the voices around me that used to celebrate my thinness and everyone that warned me about gaining weight in pregnancy to the point that drove me to the edge and affected my sons weight..
It’s like when I see people thinkng I’m greedy I look at them and think , screw you, I won’t listen to you this time and I eat more.
Does that make sense?
I wonder whether this is a natural feeling for nursing mothers.. or is it a reaction I’m having.
Has anyone experience this and how did you go back to a healthy mindset ?