To have sex I don't want

[JustACurl]

Does anyone else do this?

Since having DC my sex drive is basically non existent. I could quite happily never have sex again to be honest.

But I still do. Because I love my husband and I don't want him to feel rejected or force him to live on a sexless marriage and I don't want us to split up. So I have sex I don't really want to keep him happy I guess.

He doesn't know this. He would likely be really upset if he did.

Yes I do for the same reasons as you

Do you enjoy it when you do it?

It’s not sex that you don’t want exactly. It’s more like sex that if it were only down to you you wouldn’t have but as it’s a joint activity you are neutral about it and going along for the sake of your husband. It’s a bit sad and I wonder if it’s good sex as what’s not to like about an orgasm? I can understand not being bothered but then when it started I’d get into it and be glad I did. But I always have good sex.
So I think you need to consider what’s going on for you if you genuinely are not wanting it nor enjoying it. And if it’s a genuine not wanting to then you shouldn’t. But as it stands I don’t think it’s bad. Hope that makes sense.

Do you end up enjoying it when you actually do it? I quite often have sex when I don’t feel ‘in the mood’ as DH has a higher sex drive than me, but I normally end up enjoying it anyway.

If you don’t enjoy it, I would have an honest discussion with your DH and maybe your GP as well.

As a PP says, it would depend for me whether you actually enjoy it when you do it. Sometimes we all feel a bit tired and overwhelmed with life and sometimes it takes a bit of persuasion to remember that this is something fun that we actually enjoy! DP and I will often say we’re both tired - let’s just cuddle up and see what happens.

But if I was actively not up for it, he would be mortified if I went along with it for his benefit.

Are you actively participating in it and enjoying it, or just “lying back and thinking of England”?

I have done in the past when in a similar situation to you (after kids). I enjoyed it once going. And DH never pressured me.
Sex drive came back eventually, it may do for you too.

There is a difference between not wanting sex, and wanting not to have sex.

In any relationship there are all sorts of compromises where we accommodate things that our partners want to do, but we don't.

The only thing that matters is do you think it's unreasonable or does it make you uncomfortable, do you regret it afterwards? If yes, then you probably need to think again.

I'd strongly suggest talking to your partner about it though, he may be completely unaware of your feelings about this, and once known lay off until you feel ready.

Yes i think its ok. I mean we all have to do things we dont want to do and the alternative of refusing him every time which will hurt him would be worse. Im sure loads of mumsnetters will say only do what you feel like but theres going to be a consequence of that such as the pair of you drifting apart or him feeling very frustrated.

I do this too OP, he knows, never forces me or complains when i say no, so i don't mind as there is no pressure. He'd obviously me rather want it and does try to get me interested but it rarely works, nothing to do with him.

Good advice up thread!

Is the situation temporary? ie have you literally just had children (maybe first year after childbirth)? Or did you last give birth five years ago and your sex drive is still not back? Just wondering if it's a hormonal issue that's all. Might be worth asking to get hormones checked if you can, assuming birth was ages ago and you've given them time to settle.

If not hormonal/physical, do you think anything's changed in your relationship which might be putting you off? Is he generally a good husband - kind and gentle, pulls his weight with the kids and house stuff, no red flags etc? Even if he is a good husband, maybe having kids has affected your relationship - have you drifted apart at all? Would fixing your 'closeness' be likely to lead to a greater desire for physical intimacy?

If none of the above, then I would say go for a compromise position. More than you want, but less than he wants. I wouldn't lie to him, but maybe present your feelings as kindly as you can? Do you enjoy any aspect - feeling his skin on yours, hugging, dedicated time together, saying you love him, etc?

I have a much lower libido too, OP. I don't often want it either.

It’s normal for a woman’s spontaneous desire to wane in long-term relationships, whereas men can continue to experience it indefinitely. Women tend to experience ‘responsive’ desire in long-term relationships. This is certainly true for me. I have to make a decision with my brain to have sex but, within a few minutes of starting, my body has caught up. It helps that DH is really good in bed so I know in advance that the decision will end well!
And it definitely all took more effort post-childbirth and in the early days of perimenopause.
It’s a way to show love and, as long as you are not being pressured or actively disliking it, then there’s nothing wrong with it. These boards have a lot of posts from people who have left it so long that they don’t know how to begin again.

I do the same as you op.

I am not forced, I don't mind, once we get started it is better and I usually feel okay about it. But I don't feel like it no, not much, too tired!!!!

I don't think this is unreasonable. Sex drives and wane for all manner of reasons. That said I don't see that your current position is tenable forever. For now it works but till what point. I don't know how long ago you had your children but don't make this your new norm.

In my case my dh is great, and I am still in love. It is just energy levels in the evening (and don't even suggest morning sex we have dc, and I would be really uncomfortable with that)

I did this with exh and tbh in the end it was soul destroying.

There'll be some charming misogynist who'll come along and call us prostitutes (like in another thread recently), but yes, I do and feel the same as you op. I love dh but sex just isn't something I desire, however, I do desire to feel close to him. i never feel lust, I have no drive and never have (which dh knows, we've been together many years), but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy being close to him. I just feel meh about sex itself (he's VERY good at it should I end up feel like I could orgasm, so it's not the case at all its crap sex). I also know it's something he needs to feel close to me, and also for him and contact.

@FixTheBone said: There is a difference between not wanting sex, and wanting not to have sex. That's an interesting distinction, and something that resonates with me. I think it is normal not to want all the same things at the same time.

My libido has waned over the years for sure. However, I do have a an amazing DH, and I know what he likes, and I like to please him, so it's not just a case of lying there. Anything I do, I like to do well :)

I guess it works for some couples, not for others.

Exactly the same OP.