Journey

[Nua66]

I am married with 2 children. As I’m unsure what to do and I have no one close to ask, I thought I would try this group for thoughts. We are going to a family funeral tomorrow and I want to travel in my car with children and he can take his car. I am already very anxious about the trip. Mentally my husband isn’t feeling well at the moment and shouts if anything doesn’t go his way. I can’t handle his rage at the moment and due to previous experiences in the car with him I wish to go in separate cars. I need to feel ok to take care of children (5&8) as they have not been to a funeral before. He says that he feels humiliated if we show up to his dads funeral in two cars. We have a 3 1/2 hour drive, son has a cold & the funeral is at 2.30. Shall I go with my gut feeling and go in separate cars or am I humiliating him doing it. I am really anxious about this.
Thanks
Mia

I don't think YABU - it sounds a difficult situation.
I would explain the two cars by saying you weren't sure how the children would react, especially being under the weather, and needed independent transport.

Is your DH getting help for his anger issues? His behaviour doesn't sound sustainable in the long term.

Separate cars, and get into one car a few miles before?

I would assume the anger issues are how he responds to bereavement, so he really needs support, not abandonment.

It would depend exactly what you mean by anger. Getting easily frustrated and shouting, I'm not surprised if he's just lost his dad. He needs you to help keep him level.

Swearing at me, lashing out, being abusive... support from afar and suggest counselling for future.

son has a cold

You and the children stay at home, husband goes alone.

1. No-one, absolutely no-one right now wants to be near a child who is under the weather and many people would be fearful he has Covid even if he's tested negative.

2. Three and a half hours in a car is awful for a child who is ill. If that's just the one way time, then 7 hours is beyond dreadful for them.

Let your husband go alone.

If you didn’t have children I’d be inclined to say go with him
However I wouldn’t want my children to be exposed to emotional outbursts so I’d say you’re not being unreasonable to want to travel separately

Honestly I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, I can really see it from both sides

@BlankTimes

son has a cold

You and the children stay at home, husband goes alone.

1. No-one, absolutely no-one right now wants to be near a child who is under the weather and many people would be fearful he has Covid even if he's tested negative.

2. Three and a half hours in a car is awful for a child who is ill. If that's just the one way time, then 7 hours is beyond dreadful for them.

Let your husband go alone.

Agree with this. I wouldn't be taking the children. I would stay home and he can go alone or with other family members if that is possible.

@BlankTimes so the child should miss their grandfather’s (probably socially-distanced) funeral because they have a cold and other people might not like it? OP’s husband should go to his father’s funeral alone?

Agree with PP, don't take your son if he has a cold. No one will thank you for that at the moment.

Thanks for comments. No acknowledgement of anger or how he reacts to stress. No self awareness I’m afraid. I am very strong but when it comes to his anger in car I just crumble, I start crying, kids get upset & daughter will ask if I’m ok. Have tried counseling but in the end the therapist said he couldn’t help someone that says “I don’t know” or has nothing to say. Maybe I’m a bit sensitive as well but he doesn’t seem to be able to control the outbursts & if I drive the car (with him in the car) I’m so aware of everything he does like sighing & any other reaction to my driving. I’m a good driver and I don’t panic easily at all but I feel really self conscious with him in the car. I’m still not sure how it’s humiliating going in 2 cars.

Do you actually need to go ?
I spent my MIL’s funeral on my own while DH went round speaking to the guests.

Genuinely do you want to continue with this marriage?

He's just lost his dad, poor guy.

I don't think its a good idea for your son to go having a cold either however i can understand its his grandads funeral and that your husband wants his family there. BullOx has made a good suggestion in that you should use separate cars and get into one before arrival.
You could also use two and explain that this is because you might have to pull over and your husband was worried about being late?
Ultimately he shouldn't be shouting and being angry around his family and bereavement is no excuse for frightening you all and creating anxiety.

So his anger and behavioural issues aren't directly as a result of losing his father? They are long rather than short term?

That's not great for you or for the DC is it OP?

@RogueMNerKnowsNoShame

He's just lost his dad, poor guy.

Yes, but it sounds like the issues pre-date that. Although of course, having dificulty expressing emotions as anything other than anger will probably make grieving his dad much harder. It will also make it much much harder for the OP to look after him while maintaining her own well being (and to drive safely!!!) He might be an abusive monster, he might be a genuinely good man who is grieving and struggles to express himself. We dont know. In either case it is reasonable for the OP to not want to spend a 3 1/2 hour drive with children being shouted at. I honestly dont think its safe either. He will be even more of a "poor guy" if they get into an accident and he loses his wife/children as a result.

Do your children actually want to go to the funeral? Does the one with a cold have a cough/ temp? If so has he had a PCR test?

Are the children going because that's what's expected of them or do they actively want to go?

Sounds like his abuse of the op long predates this bereavement. Stop making excuses for him.

The children should not be put in danger. He should drive alone.

Op, have you ever sought support from Women's Aid? His behaviour is not normal or something you should have to try and tolerate. You're not oversensitive.

Nor should your children. They deserve a calm, safe environment to grow up in. Not one where they're always tense, walking on eggshells and having his abusive behaviour normalised.

Thanks again and question about my marriage I’m not going to answer as that’s not what I’m struggling with. I think I’ll try the compromise, driving in 2 cars and when closer and off motorway get in to one car. Thanks all.

OP has said that her husband is always like this when they travel in the same car. It's not part of his grief.

I understand how your husband may feel embarrassed for people to see you arrive in separate cars, OP. He worries that they'll (correctly) infer that there are problems between the two of you, because that's a long journey to take in two cars, rather than one. However, if he's the one causing the problem, he'll have to deal with any resultant embarrassment.

You have some handy built-in "excuses" that he can drop in to conversations to assuage his feelings of being watched and gossiped about: a child who isn't feeling well, uncertainty of how the children will react to their first funeral, needing transportation to take them home early while your husband stays behind.

You have some handy built-in "excuses" that he can drop in to conversations to assuage his feelings of being watched and gossiped about: a child who isn't feeling well, uncertainty of how the children will react to their first funeral, needing transportation to take them home early while your husband stays behind

Definitely