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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need some perspective: my brother's and my baby

67 replies

Sunland · 03/05/2021 10:29

Hi guys, I am getting increasingly pissed off And need some perspective. I have a 7 month old baby. He has two uncles, my brothers who according to my parents are very excited to be uncles and ask them about him a lot. Everytime I speak to my mother she says how excited they are and that they have been asking about my son. This really upsets me as I don't understand why they aren't asking me about him. They have never really been close to me, rarely take an interest in me and barely talk to me (especially the oldest brother). I just feel royally pissed that they just aren't bothering to even text me to ask how he's doing, but instead asking my parents. I feel upset that having never put any effort into having any kind of positive interactions with me or barely speaking to me they feel they are now ready to be fantastic uncles to my son. At the same time I feel guilty that I don't want to cut my son off from a chance to have connections to relatives as we don't live near my in-laws. Anyway I would be interested in hearing advice even if it's telling me I am being silly about this.

Thanks

OP posts:

Motnight · 03/05/2021 11:02

Your brothers don't really care about what is happening in your life, nor your child. It's really hard to come to terms with that, I know.

Your mum is well aware of this, and is trying to make it less obvious. We have had very similar in our family. FWIW, my dd's uncle started taking an interest in her when he became a dad himself. Their relationship though has never been close, and never will be. It really hurt my husband at the time but he had to get used to it.

You need to lower your expectations.

Postern · 03/05/2021 11:03

@squashyhat

I think the key phrase here is 'according to my parents'. I bet they are trying to cover for your brothers' lack of interest and they aren't asking after your baby at all.

To be frank if they aren't bothered about you why should they be bothered about your child? You could challenge your parents or you could just accept your brothers aren't interested and move on.

Yes, this sounds like the classic ‘parents wish their children were closer than they are and invent remarks and scenarios that tidy family relationships into the cosy shape they would prefer them to have’ stuff.

My mother is upset her four children aren’t close. I think the truth — that the others chose not to have children because of our childhood, and have no interest in my child — would kill her. It doesn’t bother me.

madroid · 03/05/2021 11:07

Why not invite your brothers one by one to visit? Try to foster a closer relationship with them if you'd like that.

And take your DM's clumsy attempts to bring her children closer with a pinch of salt.

unfortunateevents · 03/05/2021 11:09

I think your mum is covering for their lack of interest. However, what have they actually done so far - you don't say? How often have they seen your baby, bought a gift, offered to babysit? Do they even visit you/speak on the phone?

To be honest though, if they are young and single their interest (anyone else's in the same position) is going to be limited in someone else's baby. Before I had children, my interest in other people's children was limited to a quick cuddle and hoping they wouldn't throw up on me. You may need to revise your expectations.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/05/2021 11:10

Your brothers wish you and your DC well, but they aren't very interested. At most they make polite noises while your DM tells them at length how advanced your DC is. They would be most surprised to learn of their reported fascination with DC!

They definitely aren't planning to circumvent you and hang out with your DC.

Thistimelastyear · 03/05/2021 11:11

Are your brothers young and childless?

ZenNudist · 03/05/2021 11:16

You are being silly. You enjoy your baby. There is no reason why your brothers should have to be involved or particularly interested. Your dm is probably lying because she thinks its important to you.

Tempusfudgeit · 03/05/2021 11:20

The importance of correct apostrophe placement in title!

Velvian · 03/05/2021 11:25

I think your mum is trying to make it seem that they are interested to make you feel better.

I think they are probably not that interested, beyond wanting to know all is OK. I think that is entirely normal and they will gradually become more interested as your DS gets older.

I have to admit to being similar about babies in my own family, despite being female and a parent of 3.

YellowGlasses · 03/05/2021 11:25

My mum does this and it’s basically a long way from the truth. In her eyes she thinks families should be really close and so she makes up the bond to satisfy herself that it exists. If I was being told this by my mum the truth would be either that she had told them something (which they might have responded to or might have totally ignored) or in her head she “just knew” they were interested so said it to give “the right”* impression or try to encourage conversation between the siblings etc. Any chance your mum falls into a similar category to mine?

*by right, I mean the right impression in her eyes and her eyes only.

Meowchickameowmeow · 03/05/2021 11:26

So to hear what my mum says it's almost like they are bypassing me to get to my son.

Get to him how? What do you imagine they want to get to him for?
I agree that your mum is probably embellishing the truth a little in how much they're really interested.

Howshouldibehave · 03/05/2021 11:28

So to hear what my mum says it's almost like they are bypassing me to get to my son

Really-is that what you really think your brothers are doing?! Are they round your house all the time asking to take your son out on secret outings without you being there??

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2021 11:29

I’m also unsure what you mean get to your son. What is it you imagine they wish to do to him?

ChameleonKola · 03/05/2021 11:30

One of the few times I’ve been incredibly relieved about a SPAG error 😂 OMG

SnuggyBuggy · 03/05/2021 11:31

I agree I think it's far more likely your DM wants to believe in the one big close family vision. I sort of understand it to a point. All you can do is nod and move on. Maybe things might change a bit after the restrictions are over and your baby gets older, maybe not.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/05/2021 11:32

@WallaceinAnderland

I expect the truth is when she talks to them she is proud grandmother telling them excitedly all about your ds and they just politely make agreeable noises but may not, in reality, be that interested in a 7 month old. Don't take it personally.

This^ She is just so excited that she is reflecting her excitement on them. Just be glad that she is excited and let it go.

ChameleonKola · 03/05/2021 11:32

@Tempusfudgeit

The importance of correct apostrophe placement in title!

This is up there with “let’s eat, grandma” versus “let’s eat grandma” 😂

MaskingForIt · 03/05/2021 11:36

@steff13

Arrrgh if ever there was a misplaced apostrophe!

Right?! I thought this was going to be a very different thread.

I know, I was so ready for a Bank Holiday incest thread!

PanamaPattie · 03/05/2021 12:01

Your Mum is pretending your brothers are taking an interest just for something to say. Most men don’t give a shit about babies - even their own!

Lollypop4 · 03/05/2021 12:01

@Freddiefox

Do you want text them? Invite them round? Do they really ask about your baby or does your mum just say that because she wants to keep the family together.

I'd say your Mum is telling you they ask and they probably don't. I would'nt bother getting in touch with them, Its been 7 months no reason they couldnt have called. Id also tell your Mum to stop mentioning it as they havent asked you about your baby at all.

AlmostSummer21 · 03/05/2021 12:05

@HollowTalk

my brother's and my baby

Arrrgh if ever there was a misplaced apostrophe!

I think your mum is just being kind to you, OP.

Yeah it made me feel quite 🤢

I expect your mum is trying to make up for them showing an interest. My mum does this sort of thing all the time. 🙄🙄

Holly60 · 03/05/2021 12:06

It sounds to me like actually you would like a better relationship with your brothers, otherwise you wouldn’t care.

How about start sending them funny pics or videos of your little one (I say funny because everyone likes a laugh and it’s a way in)

You could also start a WhatsApp group with just your brothers and start sharing just little annecdotes or memes (I believe they are called??) my adult DC do this and it’s a good way of keeping in touch when everyone is busy with life.

Eachpeachpears · 03/05/2021 12:08

I could literally have written this post myself, to the letter.
It's unfortunate but I have accepted that I can't force my brothers to be interested in my children or to speak to me rather than my mum.
I have two children, but son is 2 and a half and one of mu brothers has met him 3 times... But is apparently really pleased to be an uncle. Its ridiculous and quite embarrassing for them to be honest.
You aren't wrong to feel upset. I am too. Byt there's nothing I can do about it. I try to avoid the topic of my brothers with my parents because it's just gets me upset. I also don't speak to my brothers about my children much. It's unfortunate but my children don't know their uncles on my side of the family. Like I said, I can't force them

HowWeAre · 03/05/2021 12:14

I imagine the reality of the situation is your Mum is the one bringing you and the baby up not the other way around.

To most people a baby really isn’t that interesting apart from the parents and possibly the grandparents.

YoniAndGuy · 03/05/2021 12:34

Yes your mum is quite possibly over-egging.

Tackle it though.

'Are they? Lol, that one might just not work out if they don't seem the slightest bit interested in ever getting in touch with his mother, haha. Let them know we're about if they actually do ever want to get to know him.'

They won't have the option to bypass you, is the short answer, if you don't want that.

If it's a slightly more complicated family dynamic in that you do think that your mum would collude with them in bypassing you, because they have an issue with you - simple. Your mum doesn't get your son alone either.

YOU are in the driving seat here.

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