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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DGM and DM constantly talking about me behind my back

16 replies

Pops042020 · 03/05/2021 07:24

In the last two months I've moved opposite my DGM she's in her early 80s, she never seems to have a good word to say to me about anything!

I have a 1 year old little girl which I have sole care of and live on my own. I do however have an ex who is JUST a friend no funny business nothing and he will come round to see me a few hours a week, if I didn't have his company I wouldn't have any friends. She spies on my constantly then rings my DM who also has a good bitching session about me too! Things along the lines of my weight how my hair looks unbrushed (in a messy bun alot) how I don't go on enough walks, how I've ordered takeaway this week, how my daughter goes to bed with dirty feet (which she doesn't and I don't understand why she'd think that) how I'm scruffy because there are toys on my front room floor all the time, how I leave the lights on (yes in my own house!!) How my ex is taking advantage of me and I have him round all the time (which he isn't and never has) how my daughter doesnt eat enough veg and fruit, and because I went round to her house the other week with a Gregg's sausage roll for my daughter to eat at her house and that means I'm constantly buying sausage rolls and they're full of unsaturated fat!
I'm just about had enough!
Would I be unreasonable to just not really go round anymore and see her to not give her any ammunition to call me and the way I parent or should I just stick it out as she probs doesnt have many years left which sounds awful!

What really annoys me is that I'd never speak so badly of someone, and if someone was calling my daughter to me I'd tell them where to go but my own DM joins in too!!

OP posts:

SeaTurtles92 · 03/05/2021 07:41

YANBU. Don't go round there. Nasty women.

georgarina · 03/05/2021 07:43

Definitely reasonable not to visit anymore, and not to allow her to come around! Just say that clearly she has problems with the way you live your life, so to save her the stress she no longer has to be part of it!

Sally872 · 03/05/2021 07:44

Yanbu. How do you know about this?

I would distance myself from DGM and have a conversation with DM.

Mumdiva99 · 03/05/2021 07:46

How do you know your gm and m are saying all these things behind your back?

ghostmouse · 03/05/2021 07:47

Yes how do you know they are bitching about you? Has your dm told you what she says?

I'd ditch the pair of them. How nasty

Sunshinesandice · 03/05/2021 07:50

That’s awful, they must speak quite loudly or openly about you for you to hear them?

Original poster

Pops042020 · 03/05/2021 07:50

@Sally872
My DM text me the other day asking why my ex was coming round to my house, which I feel has nothing to do with her and I shouldn't need to give a reason.
I then over heard her having a conversation during a BBQ yesterday with my DGM. I think my DM just goes along with the conversation and doesn't have much input but did here her agree with her on a few things.

I just feel so hurt as she has 4 grandchildren 1 lives on the other side of the world and never really has contact and she says only nice things about the other two live only a few miles away and never go round or call her and she is as proud as punch of them constantly singing their praises. Yet I go round alot and ring her and I feel at 29 I should buy her separate gifts for birthdays and Xmas's and do so and the others who are all late 20s early 30s don't bother yet I'm getting slated and called behind my back!

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/05/2021 07:53

YANBU at all. Why make the effort and continue a relationship with someone that constantly bitches about you and uses everything you say and do as ammo to put you down.

How do you know all this? If it's from your mother? If yes , I'd have one conversation with your DGM and let her know what's going on.

If it's from herself and she says that stuff around you too, you know what to do.

I'd have a serious conversation with your DM too for not defending you and engaging in these denigrating sessions.

tecatea · 03/05/2021 07:53

Why don't you just ignore your DGM after you tell her a few home truths as I'm sure she has faults.

KarmaNoMore · 03/05/2021 07:54

Yes, don’t go. And reduce contact with your mother as well. It is already really difficult to raise a child on your own to be dealing with constant judgement coming from the people who should support you the most.

I doubted for years about taking that step with DM and DS, but life is much better since I did.

With regards to the constant gossiping... I had a neighbour who even checked when I did or didn’t put my recycle out, forgetting to turn the light of the living room off was “clear proof” I had a man staying over, she even went and told my exh my boyfriend had moved in when my next door’s neighbour’ son came back from uni and started parking his car in front of my house. It was a bloody nightmare but avoiding her and letting the hedge grow tall enough for her not to check who was coming into my house kept me sane until she left the neighbourhood.

Temp023 · 03/05/2021 07:55

Any chance that you could move OP?

Bitofanexpert · 03/05/2021 07:59

Call them out on it. Ask her why she thinks so little of you.

She will deny doing it but hopefully be shamed into knocking it off. Keep it cordial after that.

Lubiluxe · 03/05/2021 08:03

I couldn't live opposite my mum or my elderly nan. I love them both to bits but it would be top close for me!! You're a grown adult and sound like you're doing a good job with your little one.

I'd use covid as an excuse. Just say you're only allowed one bubble meetint inside and that's your ex.

Sally872 · 03/05/2021 08:07

That is awful. Though your mum shouldn't be happy to listen to her talking badly about you either.

I would distance from gran and tell mum why. That you are hurt that gran judges you and hurt that you are disappointed in mum for listening to it.

Original poster

Pops042020 · 03/05/2021 12:09

I've spoken with my mum today and she said she doesn't really say much back and I just have to put it down to age that she says the things she does.
I'm telling you now if my mum ever complains to me about my daughter is hang up on her! Old age or not you can't treat people that way!

I struggle alot juggling work and my daughter and I barely get any help my friends all have their own lives and I'm on my own alot and I genuinely wouldn't speak like that about someone which why i find it so hurtful.

My mum told me she says stuff about me and on my daughter's first birthday at her party my mum and grandma both sat in my front room whilst I was in the kitchen talking about me and how I don't make an effort with my appearance my choice in men and how I'm bad with my finances I shouted I can hear you and they just carried on, my sister's also told me she talks about me alot as well

OP posts:

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 03/05/2021 12:20

In my opinion it's one thing for your elderly grandma to say these things about you, and it's another for your mum and sisters to actively listen to it without challenging it.

Distance yourself from your grandma first of all, as she is saying this about you.

Secondly, have a stern word with your mum and sisters about why they think it's appropriate for them to listen to it without challenging her. In my opinion, them not challenging her is the same as them encouraging it and that is unacceptable.

They all sound toxic - just because they're family doesnt mean you have to put up with them.

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