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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to elope?

10 replies

Minthambug · 03/05/2021 01:57

Dp and I are struggling to agree on a way forward with getting married

Dp comes from a big family, big friendship group and wants a big wedding. Has been part of many bridal parties and would have a long "minimum" guest list

I find fuss difficult and don't like being centre of attention. I would describe myself as an introvert and the idea of a party makes me anxious. Even being part of bridal parties makes me anxious and I wouldn't enjoy it. I don't mind the ceremony part, but don't enjoy the reception part.

I would like to get married somewhere romantic, probably just the two of us but am happy to invite immediate family for the ceremony. Dp would agree to marrying just the two of us, but wants a big party when we get home (by big i mean 60 +) However its the reception part that I would most like to avoid.

We also don't have the money for a traditional wedding, and it would take years of saving to get to the big wedding budget needed

Is this unreasonable?
How did other people deal with different comfort zones re weddings?

OP posts:
Rmka · 03/05/2021 03:13

It's both of your wedding so it's important you both feel comfortable. It sounds like having an intimate ceremony and a bigger reception is already a form of compromise, but I appreciate it would still mean a big chunk of the wedding day would be uncomfortable for you.
I think you should have a discussion with your partner about what makes you feel the most uncomfortable and what you'd be willing to do. The reception could be more laid back so you don't feel like a constant centre of attention. Little things like no open plan so guests cannot watch your table while you sit, no traditional first dance or no speech from you can take a lot of the pressure off.
The other issue you mentioned is money. Here I agree with you 100%. If you can't afford a big party, then don't do it. Future is more important and a set up wedding budget almost always end up higher. But both of you need to agree what you want to do.

RickiTarr · 03/05/2021 03:19

Would he agree to elope now and save for a big first/fifth anniversary party? (Which won’t end up as big as planned.)

If I ever marry again, it will be an elopement. I wanted to last tome but I had a fiancé like yours. I gave in and he ended up getting his way on EVERYTHING. The wedding grew and grew and more and more unnecessary twirly bits got added. It went way over budget and I felt overwhelmed by it all. Note we are now divorcing.

Put your foot down. This is a compatibility test. Either he will listen and you will find a compromise, or he will steamroller you.

Wabe · 03/05/2021 03:39

Quite straightforwardly. I said I would only agree to get married if we did it with just the two of us— no post-wedding party etc.

Sleepingdogs12 · 03/05/2021 07:32

Neither of you abu , I think this is a test of your compatability really. There must be a compromise and it might involve both of you being willing to agree to something you aren't 100 percent happy with. If you don't want the wedding day to be about compromise don't get married but you might want to think about how you are going to manage big decisions in the future as you won't always agree and one person can't always 'win'.

Original poster
Minthambug · 03/05/2021 09:35

Thanks all, some good food for thought!

Basically a lot of the compromises that family suggest or dp seems to suggest still involve a disco, upwards of 70 people , wedding outfits etc. To me that's a wedding, and the bit I don't like (I'm happy for a fairly big ceremony)

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 03/05/2021 12:28

When we got married we went abroad. Only a few people, our immediate relatives mostly, came along. The wedding was in the late afternoon (6pm ish) , we went afterwards to a local restaurant for dinner where our guests could choose what they wanted to have. (Obviously we paid the bill!) Then we separated and did our own thing in the evening. It was very low key but that was what I wanted, and most of our guests were older and didn't want to party particularly.

If I had wanted we could have had a big party when we got back home and treated that as the celebration. I wasn't bothered and neither was DH fortunately. Could you come to a compromise about how much part you play in the big reception scenario? It's sounds like he would really enjoy hosting a big do, you could let him have that while you step back a little?

(The notions of first dance, speeches, top table, bridal party, set dinner etc make me cringe, I couldn't have done it that way myself although it obviously suits most people, since they seem to choose to do those things. Fine since that's what they want, but it isn't essential is it?)

The only thing I would change about our wedding was having other people there. I loved that they did come but since I have felt terrible guilt about forcing them to go to a wedding abroad and using their AL and money in the process Sad The only bright side is that it was a genuine wedding, rather than a fake one where the couple had to get married back home before or afterwards as the one abroad was not real. I didn't realise that so many weddings abroad weren't legally binding, ours definitely was.

Original poster
Minthambug · 03/05/2021 19:37

@TheNoodlesIncident. That sounds like heaven!

OP posts:
ToryStelling · 03/05/2021 19:52

We eloped, no guests. If was an absolutely amazing day (and holiday) just for us and we have no regrets!

DrManhattan · 03/05/2021 20:38

I did the same. No pantomime here lol.
All the best

Teabaghag · 03/05/2021 20:40

I'm the same. I wanted to elope. DP wanted huge party with everyone there.

We've compromised to registry office small ceremony then big ish but casual pub party.

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