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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend works away

14 replies

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 21:39

Hi,
So I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have been with him through the ups and downs of his job and he has been for me too.

His job involves working away but covid, like many industries, took a toll on amount of work available. He spent the past few months in jobs he didn't enjoy but ofcourse, during a pandemic, you can't be picky.

Anyway, he has landed on his feet and got a job in the UK about 8 hours away from me. He is the leader of a team and the pay is fantastic. It's on rotation so he works 4 weeks away and 1 week home.
He started 2 weeks ago.
I work in education so he will be coming home on his 1 week off until I can visit in the summer holidays.

However, we hardly message anymore and I understand he's busy so I tend to leave him to it and message the odd 'hope everything is going well'.
We phone call most nights but it's always interrupted with a "can I call you back later?" or "Sorry babe I have to go, but i'll message you later" but I never get the goodnight message.
Sad I know but I'm just feeling quite lonely.

He's drinking for bank holiday. And we had a 10 minute call before which consisted of him talking about how he's going for drinks with the other team leaders and then rushing off the call.

I'm used to him working away and went 3 months without seeing him last year when covid first hit as he was in another country but I don't know why i'm struggling with this one so much.

I think I'm probably noticing more of a 'power imbalance' also.
Since getting this job, his wage is amazing - around £30,000 for 3 months work,
I'm nowhere near that and i'm self-employed so wages vary and with covid, my business took a hit.

I don't even know the point of this thread tbh. I'm just feeling so lonely.
His career seems to be high-flying and I feel stuck.
I'm 26 and living at home with parents, hoping to move out with him next year as we have saved a deposit.
But he just.mentioned how there might be a permanent job where he is after the 3 months has ended and i've developed anxiety at the thought of whether he will expect me to move 8 hours away.

Also, he puts.my job down all the time. The fact i'm self-employed irritates him and he wishes I was contracted. Apparently, I need to "sort my career" out before we have children. I don't want children yet but he said it when I mentioned i'd love children around 28-30.
And those words have just stuck in my head. Lately I have been earning between £450-540 a week and I thought that was pretty good but it doesn't seem enough for him.

Sorry this is all randomly. I think I just have the blues tonight.

OP posts:

AIMD · 02/05/2021 21:48

From your op he doesn’t sound particularly nice.
If he’s not giving you what you need from him, then that’s an issue and you’d be better to address it head on but calmly.

Not seeing each for long periods must be tough, but there’s no need for so little communications by phone or video call.

HoboSexualOnslow · 02/05/2021 21:51

Sorry op that sounds horrible. I don't think there's a future if he doesn't want to speak to you

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 21:53

Ahh i've just realised I might have confused people by mentioning working in education then self-employed. I am not employed by a school but my business is related to education. Sorry if I didn't clarify very well, I was typing fast

OP posts:

Tambora · 02/05/2021 21:53

When he puts your job down, he's also putting you down. Has he said why he finds you being self-employed so irritating?

Seafog · 02/05/2021 21:54

I understand the working away thing, my dh is in the Navy and can be gone six to eight months at a time.
To make it work, things away from work have to be going smoothly. There is nothing so frustrating as trying to sort feelings or disagreement when you can't hug it out at the end.

Has he laid out wheat he would need to feel secure becoming a parent? It's good that he is discussing it so far ahead, it gives you time to be sure he is the one, and that you both have the same vision for how it will go, care wise, money wise, who stays home with sick kids, etc

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 21:55

@Tambora I think he doesn't like the incosistent wage being self-employed brings

OP posts:

CarmelBeach · 02/05/2021 21:56

I understand someone wanting more equally matched money

But you might not be as compatible as you thought. I had one boyfriend about 20 years ago, who was really pushy about my career.

I ended it. I understand that people want they want but one thing that mattered to me was not to feel I had life coach instead of a partner.

No hard feelings, we just weren't right for each other.

On the being away, or being busy all the time with work, it's not something that's ever bothered me. In fact, just today he was saying his current contract is going to take over his life. Tuesday is a 6am call with Asia, then a 9pm is scheduled for America.

I don't mind. But will you be unhappy with a partner whose work is his mistress, as we call it?

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 21:56

@Seafog he wants to travel and see more of the world first. If I get to 30 and he's still ermming and arring though about kids, i think it would be a dealbreaker for me

OP posts:

CarmelBeach · 02/05/2021 21:57

Sorty, he is DH, not the cat's father!!

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 21:58

As self employed is your work location based or can you do it from anywhere?

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 21:59

@ChristmasAlone I can do it anywhere, and I wouldn't mind moving 8 hours away but I wouldn't know anyone around there and, being self-employed, I may struggle to make friends.compared to people who have a contracted job which makes.me feel quite anxious.
Our original plan was to buy a house around here next summer

OP posts:

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 22:00

@CarmelBeach i usually cope pretty well with him working away, never been a problem in the past.
I just feel iffy this time and I don't know why. Just a constant lonely feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daneqf1 · 02/05/2021 22:03

I think this feeling tonight has stemmed from the fact communication has been so little the past few days.
We had a short conversation 2 days ago. No phone call yesterday as he was busy. A short 10 minute call tonight as he rushed off for drinks.

I completely understand he is busy with work but I feel sad he couldn't even make much time tonight, just went off drinking

OP posts:

seensome · 02/05/2021 22:47

Has he asked you to move there with him though? Sorry but I think he's phasing it out with you, too busy to finish a call with you is a bad sign, he's not too busy and would find the time if he wanted.
I can't believe you're allowing this behaviour not only the too busy for you but lack of support in your career choice.
I would step back for now and see him for who is really is and not what your hoping for.

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