Thoughtless funeral chatter

[Babygotblueyes]

Buried my mum in February after a horrible time of nursing her at home. Due to Covid there was no family at the funeral apart from step dad, sister and I (relatives who are CEV, overseas etc). It just added another level of awfulness to a horrible experience. I belong to a social group where I live who have been talking once a week since the first lockdown. In general they were really unsupportive - going out of their way to avoid the subject, not mentioning it after, distancing from me etc. I get people are uncomfortable about death and will avoid anything that makes them uncomfortable. So I was angry for a while, then got over it but have to admit I do not feel the same about most of the people in the group due to this. Have been joining the zooms again for a while, and this week one of the women spontaneously brought up the subject of going to her SIL funeral- SIL had been in a long decline over many years. After telling us how hard it has been to talk to her sibling over the last few years because it was uncomfortable, and they were 'erratic' (sometimes really upset, sometimes coping well) she then went on and on about the funeral and how nice it was to all be able to talk about the deceased and etc. I got really upset and stepped away until the subject changed. I know it has been a few months since I buried my mum, that people have the right to speak about what is happening for them and that my grief is not the centre of anyone elses world, but isn't this insensitive?

Really insensitive, they sound very thoughtless - I’m so sorry about your mum

I'm not sure I agree - death is a fact of life and affects all of us at different times and everyone's grief is different too. Also people often don't know what to say or feel whatever they do say will be trite or lacking, especially if they didn't know the deceased. If it's a social thing, they may think you didn't want to talk about your bereavement and your grief.

I'd see this as an opportunity to talk about your experience. As in, 'how lovely, it wasn't like that for us, it's all been very difficult and it still is'.

Sometimes people need an invitation to talk.

@MotherOfGodWeeFella - wouldnt you ask if it was a friend and you wanted to know how they were? I have to say she was not upset at all, mostly moaning about the long drive because they had to go there and back in a day, and how she didnt want to talk to her sib while this was happening because it was uncomfortable for her.

Neither party is UR. Totally get why you would find that upsetting.

Can I give you my top tip? Listen to Griefcast. Its like talking to friends about death - I find it very therapeutic.

Thanks @StrictlyAFemaleFemale - I will check that out.

No I don’t think she was being intentionally insensitive. She was talking about something that is important to her. Maybe you could have used it as an opportunity to speak to the group about your grief.

I had similar experiences when one of my siblings died.

Grief is a real eye opener when it comes to friendships and relationships.

I was recommended a book by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and subsequently went on to buy all of their books and a deck of grief cards.

They helped me so much, and also gave me insight into why people can be so seemingly insensitive, when in reality they aren't really meaning to be, they helped me work through my grief as well.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I lost my sibling last year, and the grief process is all very much compounded by the whole lockdown and covid situation/restrictions.

Thanks @SugarCoatIt, will look for those.

You didn't say she was a friend, just that it was a social group, and I think lots of people find it very difficult to deal with. Sometimes people think they are doing you a kindness by not talking about something they think might upset you.

They can't win though, can they. You thought they were insensitive for not raising it, but then thought they were insensitive for raising their own relative's funeral. I think you are struggling with your mum's very sad death and that is making you oversensitive.

Some people find it helpful to talk about things and she wouldn’t necessarily have known that it would upset you. So I don’t think she was BU. If you’d have said “do you mind if we change the subject as I’m finding this conversation a bit difficult” and then she still carried on she would BU.

Have you posted about this group before sbd the zoom calls? I remember a poster who felt their friends hadn't been supportive over their mum's death. But not much more.

So your friend was saying her sibling hadn't been as easy to talk to because the siblings wife was dying? If so that is pretty self involved.

It's quite lacking in awareness to talk about a funeral and the closure it brings without at least acknowledging that you couldn't have that with your mum. They way you frame it at least this friend sounds insensitive.

Yabu
Sorry for your loss but people talking about their own experiences. If your Mum died very recently then yes, it may be slightly insensitive but after a few months then definitely not.
I totally understand it’s raw for you but it probably isn’t still in the forefront of their minds

YABU she is grieving too and her pain is a lot newer than yours.

I think you are struggling with your mum's very sad death and that is making you oversensitive.

I agree.
You need to be careful that you don’t take your anger/frustration/sadness out on other people as it won’t make your pain go away.

It sounds a bit like you were expecting them to mention your mum, whereas this person brought the subject of her SIL up.

People react differently to grief, and tend to follow the lead of the person who is bereaved.

Sorry about your mum

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely dad the February before you and it's so difficult. You're not ur but people can be so awkward about death and illness. Do you have anyone irl who can support you? The group isn't the right place to get support with your grief and I do think that they were very ur not to even ask how you were.

Sorry for your loss but I think YABU . Grief and how to manage deaths and funerals are different for everyone and nobody is right or wrong . You feel bad because you only had immediate family at the funeral but when my mum died 2 yrs ago we chose to only have her children , their spouses and GC at the funeral . There was 7 of us altogether and it was perfect for us .

I think you are struggling with your mum's very sad death and that is making you oversensitive

I agree. It sounds like your response to your grief and sense of hurt that others are not acknowledging it is to step back and distance yourself, whereas this other lady will talk directly about her situation (which you have preferred not to do).

It may be somewhat insensitive, but you also didn't like it when they completely avoided the subject of death... I don't think anyone is in the wrong here.

@Neonprint - yep, that is exactly what she was saying.

@Lougle - you missed the point of what I was saying. Total and awkward avoidance of me when my mother was dying then died - and then excessive chat about her own. Yep, that contrast is pretty weird to me.

@toocold54 - no, she isnt. Mainly she was chatting about her long drive and catching up with everyone at the funeral.

I think on reflection even a simple statement about knowing it was different for me would have helped a lot. It was the complete obliviousness that caught me off guard.

I think you need to bring up you struggles if you want to talk to them. People will take their cues from you.

Total and awkward avoidance of me when my mother was dying then died - and then excessive chat about her own. Yep, that contrast is pretty weird to me.

It’s really awkward and difficult to talk about other people’s losses as you are not sure how they handle grief.
Some people deal with grief by not wanting to talk about it whilst others have to non stop talking about it. Most of the time I am able to talk about my own loses but I would have no idea what to say to someone else about theirs so I would probably avoid the conversation.

Ok so if that's what she was saying that sort of puts her in a bad light. As apposed to just being awkward and not knowing what to say.

I know 'confronting' friend can be hard. But it sounds like this is making yiu feel shit. And really do you want friend who aren't sensitive to your needs? I think having a gentle conversation about it is needed.

Some people are initiators after a bereavement, some wait for an invitation to talk.

Some people want to talk about the death when they see friends, others want to talk about anything else and be distracted from their grief.

You seemed to want to be asked to talk about it, but your friends didn't know that. Friends don't know what you want unless you let them know. If you were very quiet after your loss, they probably assumed you didn't want to talk and just wanted to be distracted from it.

Your friend on the other hand, is an initiator. So your friends knew what they were dealing with.