To think my sister needs some encouragement...

[Boo2997]

Hi all. Probably be told to mind my own business. I have a younger sister who’s 18. I am 30...

She’s at college but only part time I believe but when she’s not at college she literally does nothing with her life. My mum has always treated her a lot younger than she is, never encouraged her or anything. My sister won’t even go to the shop alone or anything. Relies on our mum and her dad for support for everything. She can’t cook a thing, make a drink etc. Does not do a thing around the house. She does have quite a few friends but she never meets them.

I know it’s been hard with covid etc. Confined to our houses, no good jobs around etc. But We live in a very touristy area with plenty of jobs around for youngsters. Aibu to think she should be encouraged to get a part time job?!

Summer jobs at that age for me are some of the best memories I have which I will cherish forever.

Maybe I’m just a little envious. I had to work as a teen to pay for everything. My mum and stepdad never give me any money, I didn’t have my real dad around. If I wanted anything I’d buy for it myself but my younger sister gets everything from my parents - latest phones, designer clothes, make up etc. I also moved out at 18/19.

But I feel my sister should really be encouraged to get out there a bit more. She has no confidence but confidence will only
come with putting yourself out there. Even if she did some volunteering or something. Her college course is only 2-3 days a week I believe. The other days she just stays in the house for hours on end. She doesn’t even get out for walks etc.

It’s nothing to do with mental health or anything just in case anyone’s wondering, she’s not depressed just lacking confidence. She just hasn’t been encouraged and my parents are paying for everything and babying her. She’s not the youngest - there are even younger siblings!

I’m just finding it very strange tbh! How the girl cannot even go to the shop online for a drink or snack. She can’t ride the college bus, she has to get our mum to drive her.

I think my mother put so much fear into her - she has done the same for me. Wrapping us in cotton wool basically... but I’ve been fiercely independent from such a young age.

They won’t let her learn how to drive. I know it isn’t essential she does but she’s just not encouraged to do anything..

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is but I feel that something needs to be done because it’s not healthy surely?

Aibu?

It’s nothing to do with mental health or anything

If she can’t go to the shop alone, and has no inclination to do anything, it very much sounds like MH tbh. It sounds kind of abusive the way your DM has ensured she is reliant on her for everything, that has got to have affected her MH.

It sounds very much like a MH or confidence issue to me.
Most teenagers know how to assert themselves.
Perhaps just leave her to live her life the way she wants to.

You are certainly not being unreasonable, but I’m not sure what to say.
You can try taking your mother on one side and voicing your fears.
You could try to encourage your sister to develop really expensive tastes so that she is eventually motivated to get a job.
What does she do with her time?

@DinosaurDiana

It sounds very much like a MH or confidence issue to me. Most teenagers know how to assert themselves. Perhaps just leave her to live her life the way she wants to.

I am concerned that she’s never going to live her life. My mum was very over bearing with me, putting the fear into me for years. But thankfully I moved out and started my own life away from it but I did work from a young age.

My mum isn’t working but she’s expecting my dads wage to cover them all (another grown up son at uni) and I thing it’s wrong. He’s doing every hour under the sun to pay for them all. He looks exhausted!

She can’t go on in life with her mum and dad paying everything can she?! My mum says she’s too young for a job - yet had me working at 13 😂

Stepdad not dad *

@SugarCrash1

You are certainly not being unreasonable, but I’m not sure what to say. You can try taking your mother on one side and voicing your fears. You could try to encourage your sister to develop really expensive tastes so that she is eventually motivated to get a job. What does she do with her time?

Just in her room mainly gaming, tv, tik tok that kind of thing. I’m hoping she’s just a late bloomer with things like this.

Doesn’t help my mum keeps saying she’ll find a rich man and won’t have to work... if only it was that easy 😂

Does your sister have an undiagnosed SEND that has made her introverted & unable to live independently?

@Milkywaystars

Does your sister have an undiagnosed SEND that has made her introverted & unable to live independently?

No not at all. She struggled academically but fine otherwise. I’m saying this as a parent of a child with sen myself. I just think it’s from lack of encouragement tbh! I think with some encouragement she could really flourish...

No, it’s not easy for a poor girl to bag a rich man in this era of assortative mating. There’s a small niche for footballers’ wives, but I don’t think your sister is learning the required skills for that market either.
I wonder if your mother genuinely thinks that’s an option. Anyway, if your mother’s a dead loss can your stepfather be persuaded to take some responsibility? What does he want for his daughter?
Do you know what your sister wants? I can imagine a girl in that sort of situation giving up any long term desires because she never has any control over what she does.

@SugarCrash1

No, it’s not easy for a poor girl to bag a rich man in this era of assortative mating. There’s a small niche for footballers’ wives, but I don’t think your sister is learning the required skills for that market either. I wonder if your mother genuinely thinks that’s an option. Anyway, if your mother’s a dead loss can your stepfather be persuaded to take some responsibility? What does he want for his daughter? Do you know what your sister wants? I can imagine a girl in that sort of situation giving up any long term desires because she never has any control over what she does.

Definitely not the right thing to be telling her regarding a rich husband. I’m not sure where they get these silly ideas from. My mum and stepdad don’t have a great deal of money. My stepfather works every hour under the sun to provide.

My stepfather is lovely but sadly is under the thumb... he literally cannot voice his opinion at all. I find it very difficult to speak to my mother too.

I feel like my sister probably doesn’t realise how over bearing our mum is right now. It took me a while to realise myself. You just sort of get used it I guess... until you realise it’s toxic! It’s great to be protective of your kids but you can go too far with it..

But my teenage years were different to my sisters. I was never given any money so worked it all. Plus my mum and stepdad would expect me to do a fair bit around the house - which is fine but my sister isn’t expected to lift a finger. It’s very bizarre. I moved out at 18/19 ish and never looked back!

scary that people still think along the lines of "finding a rich man...."

• forget the practicalities of how she might do that if she never leaves her room What is she studying at college - is that career related?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

scary that people still think along the lines of "finding a rich man...." - forget the practicalities of how she might do that if she never leaves her room What is she studying at college - is that career related?

I wouldn’t like to say just in case it gives me away but it is a practical course in a specific area! Hoping she’ll get a career out of it but it but the job itself would involve a lot of communication skills - talking & engaging with people... something that she really needs to work on!

Why don't you try and encourage her? Find some jobs and suggest them to her. Say things like wow this sounds perfect for you, you'd be amazing at it! See what she says. Don't push her though she might already be feeling judged!

This is making me think of a friend of mine who grew up with a stepdad. They had to help out, they didn't get expensive things they had to work, they were out of the home before 20 or thereabouts but their siblings who were the stepdads own - nope not at all, lavish gifts, big holidays, different lifestyle, treated like "girls" well into their 20s.

My friend found it extremely upsetting.

Happens a lot.

You don't have a sister problem.

You have a Mum and Stepdad problem

I think you should encourage her OP, it's lovely you care so much about her For what it's worth, I think you are right, it's not healthy to be babied that much at 18.

Thanks all. Unfortunately I don’t live that close by to see her that often. Not that far away but far enough I couldn’t do it all the time. It doesn’t help she doesn’t get of bed until the middle of the afternoon whereas I’m an early bird 😂plus I’m so much older I don’t feel I have anything in common with an 18 year old 😂

I just don’t want to become to reliant on her parents paying for everything! Which isn’t really her fault. She’s always been the most spoilt out of all of us though. She would be the child screaming for a toy in the shop!! Whilst the rest of us looked on.. 😂